There are days this isn’t about Owen, but instead me. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. He’s learning how to communicate, and this is making a big impact to our days. Could you imagine if your mouth hurt, and you could not tell anyone. You couldn’t write it down, you couldn’t say the words, you couldn’t point to it; all you could do is scream. Maybe you couldn’t even scream. Maybe all you could do is rock back, and forth. Or maybe all you can do is lash out at the people around you, biting, or kicking them, hoping they will understand. Last night, Owen said, “does your mouth hurt”, my words coming back at me. He wanted me to feel his teeth. He grabbed my finger, putting it in his mouth. Without his words, I’m not sure how I would have reacted with him grabbing my hand. He’s starting to lose his baby teeth. I’m not sure if his tooth is loose, or maybe he got something stuck in his teeth, but I know he wanted my help. My emotions are welling up inside of me, trying not to boil over, crying. This is my little boy, he’s growing, and he’s changing my world every day, but there are days I feel helpless, and pray that I am doing everything I can to help him. Today is one of those days that my rose colored glasses are very blue. I feel so sad, and the loneliness is overwhelming. Owen hasn’t stopped screaming since I picked him up from school. Little short bursts of bubbling with excitement screams; these aren’t the angry ones, these are the extremely happy ones, but nonetheless emotional for me. I try to get him to talk to me, but the more I want to hear his words, the more he screams; which makes him laugh more, screaming even more when he looks at me. Now I have a smile plastered on my face, trying to keep the screams away. I heard stomping, and I realized Owen was singing “if you’re happy and you know it stomp your feet”. The connections are coming, the feet are stomping, and I’m rejoicing through tears. Today has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time, realizing the system is broken, and more help is needed for families. I weep today, so I will be stronger for tomorrow. Keep pushing forward. Let the sadness go, and find strength in knowing tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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