Salty with a hint of sadness. It just came to mind as I started to write. There are days my emotions have emotions and those emotions are either carried by the weight of the world or carrying the weight of the world. I try to wrap my brain around the steps it takes for me to get anywhere with or without Owen. Today he had a doctor’s appointment. There are so many emotions tied to this one appointment for me. It’s one more doctor to help him through the blue pants problem. Can I call it a problem, should I say issue, maybe it’s behavioral. And maybe I can overthink this as well. Thankfully Owen slept all night and was in a great mood when he woke up because he knew he was going to see his teacher today and then go to his doctor's appointment. Routine is everything and the last few days have been hard. I feel like it takes a week or more to get back on track after any break. And here comes summer. While we were waiting for the bus he stood there telling me the steps to checking in at his appointment. I told him if he didn’t get upset with people not wearing blue pants we could go anywhere he wanted to when we left the appointment. He knew I was going to pick him up from school and then we would go. My heart aches for how hard this can be for my sweet baby O and how emotional it is for me. I picked him up and he didn’t stop talking. All the words and all the emotions fall like a waterfall. To say Owen was hyper at the appointment is an understatement. He needed sensory input, he couldn’t stop talking, and he answered half the questions right on the first time and as many wrongs. The nurse was in green and green is not blue. This made him talk even more and his emotions are my emotions. Thankfully the doctors had blue pants on and this helped the process but it’s still a nonstop rodeo for me. Owen will get right in my face when I’m trying to talk to the doctors. The behaviors skyrocket and all of these behaviors are why we are there. They got us in and out as quickly as possible but still went through all the steps they need to. He didn’t want to go anywhere when we left. He screamed mostly so we came home. The one hard part about not having a driveway is that anyone can park in front of our house and then we have no place to park. This does not go over well with Owen and we had to drive around. People don’t understand how much this upset him and how could they. It’s a public street. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it throws us off. The loneliness feels overwhelming some days because how do you even begin to explain everything? He was watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse video and a penguin walked into the room. He said, “a penguin is like a bird.” Then the penguin walked out of the room and said, “ta-ta.” I said, “that’s like when you say bye-bye.” He walked out of the room and said, “ta-ta.” The daily walk through autism is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. The victory in today was the smiles that he gave me. Love, learn, and grow that is the goal. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.