Today feels like a victory in the making. Many pieces that I have been waiting to come together are finally falling into place, maybe. And so many of the steps that Owen and I have gone over came tumbling out all on there own this morning. I put Owen’s milk cup in the refrigerator at night so that he has the task of getting his milk out in the morning. I’ll put it in different locations so that he has to go through the steps of finding it. At first, this was very frustrating for him and me, but I felt like he needed to be able to work through these emotions and hopefully apply them to other areas that don’t necessarily go according to plan or when he expects something to be in the same location. I questioned my tactics, but I also see progress so I kept moving forward. I’ve now been asking him to bring me the milk container out of the refrigerator when he requests “more milk pwease”. This too has been working. Now I’ve moved on to putting an empty cup in the refrigerator for him to get in the mornings. Today, today was a big day for our success story. He realized it was empty and he knew he wanted milk. He got his cup, tucked it under his arm, and got the milk carton. Here he came to me with both. The request came as he handed them to me, “more milk pwease” and I have to say I tried to contain my emotions so he would get upset. My showing of emotions can throw the progress off and this was huge so I want him to keep working through the steps. I might not be containing my emotions now though. Life skills are so important to his growth and to the start of his independence. I get overwhelmed when I sit through a progress report or think about the things Owen can’t do, but then I remind myself of the skills Owen can do. And today he made huge progress. We are working on his fine motor skills so he can write, use utensils, and dress himself, but all of those things are coming. The big picture is full of growth and amazing progress. Owen told me about his day with lead-in statements and questions that he could answer. This from the little boy the doctors told me might not talk. Believe in miracles, dream through inspired eyes, and know that you can make a difference. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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All the days blend together it seems. I think I repeat the days of the week as much as Owen does and the routine is about the only thing that keeps me grounded on what day it is. But here we are at the beginning of Owen’s spring break and I’m trying to piece together what day I’m actually on. Then I remembered today is gymnastics day and I heard the birds chirping and the rays of sunshine shining. This will be a glorious day for Owen. He loves “gym nastics natics natics” and his instructor. I’m so thankful that he does. He talks about going every day and repeating his coach’s name. I really think this will help him with many of his life skills and his own mobility. It feels like he is unattached to what his body actually does. He would look at his hands and move them around, staring at them, watching how he moves. He did the same thing with his feet and legs. When he would dance he would almost bend in half to watch how his knees moved with his feet. Now that he is a little older he doesn’t do this as much, but I still think he is learning how his body works. He has no fears. Flat ground and stairs are the same to him. He jumps down the stairs like they are nothing, rocking his foot on the edge sometimes, and turning around in the middle of walking down them if he hears any kind of noise or the world distracts him in any way. I try to make him count the steps and I hold his hand as much as possible, but I also need him to learn independence and how to actually walk on the steps. And this momma counts the steps as well, praying for each step we both take throughout our days. I never imagined the things I would have to think and overthink about daily. I tell Owen that we are a team and that together we will get through anything. I reflect on yesteryear so I can see the progress of today. We are both growing and learning, and tomorrow I see bright things for my sweet baby O. Never give up. Every day I look at my miracle and I’m thankful. Find your inspiration and motivation, and let the world see you shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
It took Owen hours to fall asleep last night. Me, not so much. With the time change, it is even harder to get Owen to go to sleep. However, last night he was asking for bed earlier than most nights, but it took him three hours to go to sleep. He was very calm the whole time, wanting to “watch de movie”, and watching it over again. When the video ended he requested to “watch de movie one more time”. I told him, yes, but he had to close his eyes. He takes things very literally, so he took his fingers to his eyelids to close them. I should know this by now, but I still say the words that come so naturally. I try to work with him on expressions and meanings, but since he is still learning words, in general, it’s hard to explain what the idioms mean. One day at a time. I fell asleep multiple times laying next to him as he struggled to sleep. Every time he noticed I was asleep he would wake me. Luckily, he remained calm the entire time, but he certainly didn’t want me asleep before him. He got right in my face or tried to open my eyes under my glasses. Nighttime is always hard for us and emotional for me. I try to keep everything routine for him, but nothing is routine and especially this week with spring break. He kept asking last night about school. I hadn’t told him anything and I finally said he wouldn’t be going to school. Right wrong decision or was it the wrong right decision, I don’t know, but he started yelling “I’m done with school”. Very mixed emotions struck me with his words. I was amazed at how he came up with this and how he formed the sentence, but sad because he was crying out about school. He knows what the rest of his schedule for the week is and almost like he knew what I was thinking he said, “school’s over I’m done with school”. Four more days, I tell him, maybe reminding me as well. The weekend will be our comfort zone. And maybe he’ll sleep well tonight. This I pray every night for my sweet baby O. Through a river of tears there will still be a waterfall of sunshine coming your way. Follow your heart, make your dreams come true, and know that today is one moment in time. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Here we are at the point where school becomes the topic for discussion. It’s Sunday morning, we will be getting ready for church soon, but the questions are already rolling in for tomorrow. The week ahead for Owen is spring break, any and every break is hard on him. He thrives in the routine of his world and these days ahead will set a tone for the next days, weeks, and months ahead. He remembers everything and then when his words have formed or he can figure out how to express his thoughts he then tells me about it. We have this tiny hippo statue out by our front steps. When he was much younger I would say to him “tell the hippo hi” when we would come home. I said this for months and then stop saying it. Close to a year went by and one day as we were walking up to our steps Owen said, “hi hippo”. I couldn’t believe it. He remembered all that time and was finally able to say something about it. These occurrences still happen to this day. Words that I say will come tumbling out of his mouth and it truly makes me more aware of how much our words really mean. I have told him before that I was cranky and tired, that he would have to have patience with mommy and now he asks me “are you cranky”. One of the hardest emotions I have to push through is when I think about all the things he can’t tell me. I want to know whst he loves and not the things I think he loves. I want him to be able to tell me if something is bothering him and for him to not have to think screaming is the only answer because I don’t understand. We’ve come so far and I concentrate on the smiles I do get from him and the affirmation that he is happy. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. He keeps asking me about school and I keep distracting him. I wonder how long I can put off telling him about the week ahead, one day at a time I tell myself. Today I hear joy and peace in his voice and for that I’m thankful. It’s been a very calm day for us. Share your smile because there is someone that needs to see it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
In my face is where Owen wants to be. And by that I mean in my face, his nose touching my nose, staring in my eyes, and laughing hysterically. He finds this very amusing and does it quite often. He has no idea about personal space and how do you even begin to explain it. Some days I can distract him and he quickly moves on, today is not one of those days. His emotions are quick to flare and changing every few minutes. Saturday mornings are made for me to sit and he gets very anxious if I try to do anything. He will ask, “I want more milk pwease” and then as soon as I get up to get him more milk he is in front of me wanting me to sit back down. The command comes, “sit down” and he puts his hand on me. I tell him I can’t get his milk unless I go to the kitchen and get it. He walks almost in my footsteps to go with me. The rooms are connected, he will still be able to see me, but here he comes. As the morning wears on I think we are both calming. He’s excited about getting our day started. And so am I. Our Saturdays are something I look forward to all week. He’s working out some of his energy as he jumps on his trampoline. I can tell he is getting bigger as it seems the whole house shakes as he jumps. He’ll be eight next week and I wonder where the time has gone. He doesn’t completely understand birthdays. He will sing Happy Birthday, right after “single bells single bells single all the way”, and The Wheels on the Bus. He doesn’t associate songs with time or holidays. I focus on the joys, the connections, and the smiles he gives me. There is no greater gift than my son and I celebrate being his momma every day. Here’s to the victories yet to come and the progress we’ve made. Celebrate your victories no matter how big or small, celebrate them all. Smiles to all and donut daze!
There’s joy in my heart when I hear the happiness in my son’s voice. This morning after Owen woke for the day he immediately asked to “watch de movie”. I love that music is such a big part of his life. He went to sleep watching what he calls the movie, but it’s really a video of a musician playing a drum. I let him watch it for a few minutes before we got up and then told him we had to get ready for school. The next request for music came and then the next one after that. I think about how far we’ve come. A few years ago I couldn’t imagine, even though I hoped and prayed for growth, where we would be today. The changes are amazing, in both of us. I’m learning to embrace life, the life I have now. It’s different than I imagined and that takes time to work through. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. Some days are more emotional than others. Those are the days I wake up praying loudly to get through the day, just get me through the day. Other days I see the beauty in every single step we take. I got mad at myself for all these emotions, but there is truly nothing I could do to change them. After the boat rocks and the ebbs tide move forward. Let it all go and know that you are allowed to have emotions. As we walked to the bus stop Owen seemed calmer. He was talking to me, repeating “that’s me”. I kept trying to get him to explain more, wondering if that’s really the words he wanted to use. His vocabulary is still delayed. He’s made vast improvements, but he still has those words that aren’t connected to the actual meaning. He will associate certain moments in time with words and then I try to figure out what scenario he is going through. When the bus arrived the joy washed over Owen. I could see his excitement as soon as it turned the corner. When he got on the bus there was a different aide than normal. He said, “hi cowboy hi cowboy” and was very animated about it. The aide had on a baseball cap, but for some reason, Owen was calling him cowboy. This could be a reference to a video he watches or something he’s learning at school. Today though I felt the pure joy my son has for life and that will keep the smile on my face. Through emotions, we learn and grow. I remind myself that positive words and positive actions equal a positive life. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I’m rejoicing this morning that my sweet baby O slept until a little after five in his bed. That’s a victory I tell ya, a victory. It’s happened two times in the last couple weeks and I feel like better sleep for both of us is right around the corner. He slept for almost another hour in my bed and he got up asking about school. I can’t even think through the fact that next week is spring break for him. All breaks are hard for him and all I can think about it how much this will throw him off. He thrives in the routine of his days. We walked to the bus this morning talking about the moon. It was brighter out and I can tell spring is right around the corner. He wanted to see the moon. I reminded him that we got to see the moon last night when he went to his Wednesday night program at church. He then talked about it hiding behind the clouds. He was in a great mood when we stood there waiting for the bus. He was extremely calm and very interactive with me, wanting hugs and kisses on his forehead. I thought back to when we came home the other day and he had a huge meltdown because there were cars near our house and they weren’t leaving. It’s one of the hardest things for me to try and explain to Owen that we can’t always control the settings around us. He wanted the cars to be gone and they weren’t leaving anytime soon. It took every type of diversion I could think of to get him inside. He was going straight into meltdown mode and I needed to get him inside to a more controlled environment before that happened. I was also hoping to distract him enough that he could push through and not have a meltdown. I was able to get him inside, but he immediately went to the window, still crying about the cars. I started rapid-firing questions at him trying to keep him engaged in other thoughts. This is one of the tactics I’ve used with him since he was small. He really can’t answer most of the questions I ramble off, but the question in itself is part of what keeps him focused on me. He sat in my arms for quite a while after that. It was as comforting to me as much as I think it was for him. Through these moments I’m growing and learning. My focus is always to find ways to help Owen work through these moments. I find the calmer I stay the calmer he stays, but that is easier said than done. Find your strength, push through those moments in time that seems hard to even imagine, and know that tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sensory to the left, sensory to the right, and sensory all night. That’s what it seems like for the last couple of weeks. I watch Owen as he runs around the room. Some things he’ll touch, other things he will make his hand into a ball only grazing it with the edge of his hand, and still other items he won’t even touch at all. Our walls have texture to them. He will walk up to this small section near our front closet, taking his hands patting the wall, and bringing his hands backwards from the wall. He does this numerous times throughout the day. At first, I thought it was texture related and then I wondered if it was the way the lights danced on that section, but now I’m not really sure, I’m just embracing what is happening. I have a baby gate up between rooms. One of those things I probably could take down, but I leave up in case I absolutely have to keep Owen in one place. He can open the interior doors but hasn’t figured out how to open the front door or the latch on the baby gate. When he walks past the baby gate he will put his finger in the lock mechanism. It’s something he does numerous times a day as well. These are all new sensory moments for him. He loves to ride on elevators. He will also watch elevator videos and he recites parts of the different reviews and maintenance logs he watches. He asks, “wanna ride de elevator” when we go someplace and he has always wanted to push all the buttons, but now he doesn’t want to go near the buttons, completely avoiding them. I wonder what he is thinking about and I wish he could explain it to me. I wait for his words, I wait for the explanation that I know will come someday when he can find the words. For today I hold my baby tighter, letting him know I love him. We stood at the bus stop this morning and he leaned forward for me to kiss him on his forehead. I made a big smacking noise as I kissed him. He giggled and made the noise, wanting me to kiss him again. The smile, the joy, the laughter, that’s the important stuff, that’s what matters. Find your happiness, know that you are important, and make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I’m not exactly sure why, but Owen had a rough night. Sleep didn’t happen for hours after our somewhat normal routine. He was very happy all afternoon, but as the night wore on he became more agitated. There are certain steps we do every night. Videos, songs, books, his bath, lights, and I try to keep it all consistent for him. But last night I took away one of his videos and tried to explain it was the consequences of his behavior. Owen does not fully comprehend his actions can get a timeout or a different type of punishment. In the long run, giving him a timeout or taking something away from him can adversely affect our nights and it seems like it makes the situation worse, but I feel like he needs to understand his actions are important. I still played his calming “movie” as he laid there trying to go to sleep, but he kept asking for the videos that I took away from him for his behavior. One step at a time, I remind myself. The learning curve for Owen is long. It can take weeks, months, or even years for him to learn a particular task or action. For months I worked with him to put his shirt on. Every single day we would repeat the same actions, with a shirt that was bigger for him so it would be easier to put his arms in. I would take it off of him and have him try it again. He doesn’t understand how to button a shirt or how to start the zipper process but can pull the zipper up or down. I’m thankful for how far we’ve come and I try not to dwell in the past but reflect on it instead. Looking back through our days I see growth and the possibilities for his future. Owen went through a stage where he couldn’t even look at me except through the corner of his eyes. Now he runs up to me and says, “I wuv ewe”. Always remember there’s hope in our future. Today is one moment in time and tomorrow the possibilities are endless. Reflect, rejoice, and be motivated for what’s yet to come. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Well, Owen made it to a little after four in his bed. That’s one of those kinda good victories we celebrate and then he slept for a couple more hours in my bed before we had to get him ready for school. He’s like an octopus that is working a Rubik’s Cube while eating pizza, dancing, talking on the phone, and deciding what we are going to do for the next month of Sundays. Busy is the word that comes to mind when he sleeps. I guess he is always trying to find the right spot that allows his body to rest. Owen is now having a hard time touching things like elevator buttons or putting his arms through his coat when only a month ago he couldn’t wait to push the elevator button and he didn’t love putting on his coat but putting his arm through the sleeves were no problem. I’ve heard people that have sensory issues or sensory processing disorder describe the feeling like they are having bugs crawling on them. They don’t want to stop moving because their skin becomes alive. I wonder if this is what is happening for Owen. And I can relate to this feeling. I was born with hemihypertrophy, the right side of my body is larger than my left. My right leg especially feels like it weighs a ton and for me to touch my leg feels like an out of body experience, like it’s not even my leg. I wish I knew how to help Owen through these moments. We are slowly moving into spring so he won’t have to wear a coat for a while, but this then brings on the challenge of getting him used to wearing shorts or even if I let him wear pants all the time seeing me in shorts causes many transitional moments that can lead to meltdowns. When I put pants on Owen in varying lengths if they do not fall exactly as expected on his shoes it causes him to tug at his pants trying to adjust them. The same for me. If I wear shorts around the house instead of lounge pants he will tug on them until I change or even go through my clothes trying to find something he thinks I should be wearing. I take a deep breath trying to wash away the sadness because it’s so hard on my sweet baby O. Knowing that clothes have caused him hours and hours and hours of meltdowns brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. All I can do is try to explain to him that it will be fine and that we can work through it together. I pray this year I can find a way to explain to him that we no longer need our coats when we walk out our door and that it’s time for us to wear shorts. His communication skills are improving every day. I’m hoping that will help with the connection to the seasonal change. We talk about the weather every day and I know that we will weather any storm that comes our way. Find your strength, be courageous, and know that you can do it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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