Some days feel impossible. Today was that day. Owen woke up on edge. Every little thing was not little. My blue pants were not blue enough or maybe they were too blue. His pants were also the wrong shade of blue and the wrong style. And all I can think is how hard this is for my baby. He didn’t want to wear his jacket to the bus stop. Some days he doesn’t mind wearing it. Other days it’s all too much for him. The tears want to fall from my eyes. I’m trying to concentrate on how good the rest of the week was. As we were walking to the bus stop he noticed a car that was on the side of the road. I knew from other days it was another family waiting for a different school bus. Owen did not like that it was sitting there. It was turned backwards and had its lights on. He started yelling, “pull over it’s not pull over”. He went on and on. I pulled out my phone and quickly asked Siri some phrases in Russian trying to distract him. He started asking for different words but he was still very distracted by the car. The bus came in a few minutes and he wanted to run to it before it even stopped. When he came home from school nothing felt much different from the morning. He was still very much on edge. He got off the bus and immediately started asking about the car and listed off where we were going over the next few days. And then his words expressed emotions about the car again. He never forgets a thing. We got into the house and he immediately started talking about the weekend and what he was and wasn’t going to do. Oh, how I pray tomorrow is a calm day for him. His repetitive behaviors were over the top and he kept screaming at me because I didn’t answer every single time he said the same thing. He was afraid I was going to take him to see a babysitter he hasn’t seen in years. This caused screaming of epic portion. And these emotions made him have other behavioral issues. He sat with me and wanted a “big hug” but he wouldn’t let me move my arms around him. He screamed, “no big hug today” when I attempted to hug him but kept asking for hugs and input. The night was hard, the emotions for both of us were stronger but the love is always easy to explain. Falling asleep was hard for him. As soon as I thought he was asleep he would pop up and talk about the weekend ahead. Hours after he fell asleep I still hear him waking up or talking in his sleep. I prayed for a good day tomorrow, in fact, I begged God for a good day tomorrow. Today I reflect on how far we have come instead of trying to dwell on how many changes of clothes he went through when he got home or the screams that etched spider webs into my heart. I just wanted to hold my sweet baby O and remind him that he is loved beyond words and emotions. His laughter is what I’m holding on to. Through challenges, we grow. Walk forward, know you are not alone, and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Five o’clock in the morning comes awfully early when you are awake most of the night. Owen’s not sleeping again. He goes back to sleep fairly quickly but he is waking up numerous times all night long. I wish something worked for him more than a few weeks or that he wouldn’t have reactions to. He woke refreshed and ready to go. Me, not so much. He couldn’t wait to get to his tablet this morning and he started asking Alexa how to say different phrases in all the languages she can translate into. This seems to be the new trend. We got ready to go to the bus stop and he couldn’t wait to get out the door. I have to make sure he doesn’t take off running in the opposite direction or even start walking without me. He thinks it’s funny to act like he is going to walk a different way. When we got to the bus stop he wanted me to use my phone so he could listen to animal noises. His laughter keeps me smiling throughout the day. Today was “therapy day therapy day” oh how he loves therapy day. He is doing really well for each of his therapists. I also like that they work together to create a strategy for him to grow. This makes it better for me as well because I can follow through at home with the same directions. He is becoming more interactive and reactive to situations. He was watching a Disney Junior show and the children were dancing. I asked him to dance. And he did. Then he told me he “jumped around”. This all feels huge to me and I’m thankful for these steps. He once again ate a big dinner and I am sure I’ll see a growth spurt soon. I’m thankful for the great report from his teacher and therapists. Together we are growing Owen and I know I am growing too. Be inspired, dream big, and know that you can move mountains if you believe. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The theme of the week so far has been a pretty happy Owen. He woke up numerous times last night but he went right back to sleep. Not that we needed the alarm but when it went off he said, “two more minutes”. He went on to tell me he wanted a “big hug” but as soon as I went to hug him he said, “no big hug today two more minutes sit”. All his thoughts run together and so many times I have to decide what he is wanting me to do. Deciding wrong also means screaming or maybe not. Sometimes my pins and needles have pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop but luckily the last few days he has felt calm to me. Once he was past his “two more minutes” he was ready to get to that bus stop and get to “school school school”. Before we even walked to the bus stop he started asking Alexa different phrases in all the languages she translates into. All week this has been his focus and animal noises. I truly wonder how much he has stored in his brain. I will ask him how to say something in one of the languages and he doesn’t always answer but when he does it is exactly what the phrase is. He tries to even say it with an accent. When he got home from school I was thrilled with all his words pouring out of him. He always talks about his teacher, the aide, and one of his friends but today he talked about numerous friends, listing them off as he was eating his snack. Friendship is a hard concept to grasp and for him to be talking like this with me brings joy to my heart. He doesn’t completely understand how to interact with his friends but he is learning to share and his teacher is great about having them interact with each other. This is building a strong foundation for his future and I’m thrilled. I think he is growing again because he ate numerous snacks and first and second dinners. Maybe it was just constant snacks. I once again can’t think about the potty train we are on but they say if one skill is hit or miss that big things are happening. I see growth in him this week and I know that he is changing right before my eyes. Through life’s challenges, we learn to adapt and grow. With Owen I see those challenges taking him to new heights every day. He is doing great things and tomorrow is a brand new day. Find your purpose, shout it from the rooftops, and keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
There’s got to be a noise, song, supplement, something that will help Owen sleep all night. Until I find it I know that he will come to my bed at some point in the middle of the night. Or wake up before I have even thought about going to sleep like he did tonight. He wanted “two more twenty minutes need a big hug sit thirty seconds” before we could get out of bed this morning. He listened really well though once we got out of bed. It was almost with the first instructions too. Sometimes it seems like it takes a numerous times for my words to process with him and as many times until he does the steps. But he is making progress. His teacher let me know he had a great day. When he got off the bus he was full of words and excitement. He let me have a meeting with his advisor on the phone and he sat with me most of the time. After the phone call was done we played, painted, and ate dinner. I spent 30 minutes listening to Owen ask Alexa everything he could think of in all different languages. He was also asking her for songs. All his words are very encouraging. He will still occasionally ask me to help find songs or videos but he asks for mostly everything himself. This is huge. He felt like he was calm all night long. He wanted to immediately come to my bed as we got him ready for sleep. I asked him which bed was his and he said, “the blue bed”. I’m trying to get him to understand that even if he wakes up he can still sleep in his bed. One day at a time. His laughter tonight was once again the highlight of my day. “Whale noises”, he said to Alexa and then laughed and laughed and laughed. He fell asleep quickly after his bath and even though he already woke up once I’m praying he will sleep the rest of the night. I try not to dwell on the past but I do think back and reflect on how far he’s come. Never give up on the miracles yet to happen. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Yesterday Owen knew he was going to the park with his friend. This morning he woke up asking to go to the park. He asked about school, his teacher, the bus, and his friends but he seemed like he was processing it all well. That was until I got dressed. I never imagined how hard the clothes I wear or anyone wears would be on him. I didn’t wear jeans instead I had green pants on. As soon as I came out of my bedroom he started in on my pants. They weren’t jeans. It took several moments for me to convince him that I could walk out the door in something other than jeans. The emotional rollercoaster strikes again. I want this to be easier for him, why, oh why, is this always hard. Long sleeves and jackets are right around the corner and trying to work through that transition will be hard enough on him. We finally headed out the door to the park. He did really well at the park except when his friend got in the same tunnel he was in. He has a hard time with sharing and he was also tired and ready to go. He screamed for his friend to get out of the tunnel but as soon as we got in the car he started asking to go to the park with his friend again. He actually played at the park this time. Sometimes it’s more about the motions and humoring me when I say swing or he should go on the slide. He even climbed a rock wall all the way to the top. I held him a little to give him support but he figured it out and got to the top. This was a huge victory for him. The ride home was about as complex as the ride there but I tried to say as little to him and it helped. Every time he started to yell he waited for my response but I only sat there driving and praying he would remain calm. This strategy doesn’t always work and I have to gauge his reactions but today we made it. When we got home he was watching birthday parties on his tablet. I asked if he knew when his birthday was. He said, “April no March” and I smiled. Another victory. We laughed and laughed and laughed today. I said, “guess what” and he said, “I love you”. My heart is full. Every single day miracles happen. Believe and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Once upon a time if I touched my hair it would instantly send Owen into a meltdown of epic proportions, sending him flying at me to take my hands down and screaming at the top of his lungs. I had to always be the picture of mommy. I couldn’t wear a hat, one of my favorite things to do. I couldn’t pull my hair back. I couldn’t get it wet, which I still can’t. And I always had to keep my glasses on. The picture of me. To say we’ve come a long way is an understatement but if my hair gets wet he still can’t handle it unless it’s raining a little and then maybe he can sometimes. If I wear a hat it depends on the day and how much hair I want to lose. And pulling it back is an option sometimes, maybe. He doesn’t scream now when I don’t have my glasses on unless he does or it’s raining. However, he still constantly pulls my hair, but not as hard, saying, “we don’t pull hair”. It’s progress though, forward progress, and it’s the process we are at. Sometimes I wonder if telling him what his days ahead are going to be like help but I know that it helps him to know so I’m left with overthinking it all. I’m always torn because he has time to dwell on any routine changes but generally he doesn’t have a meltdown when his plans are changed without telling him. I told him Monday was a holiday but he already knew. He didn’t understand that it meant no school even though he was probably told at school. Once I confirmed he wouldn’t see his teacher he started yelling about “no school there’s no school”. This went on for hours. Every couple of minutes he would yell out. The day went fairly well though. We got ready for church and he was excited to go. He did amazing on the way there and did not scream the entire way home. He didn’t eat much today even with the requested chicken nuggets and fries. Some days you have that though. We played a lot and he asked Alexa questions in all the languages he could think of. He laughs hysterically when he asks her to translate buffalo noises into Russian. We learn, we grow, we love. I’m thankful for my sweet baby O and all that he has given me. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I try not to think about the potty train and instead think about the party train. Or at least the fact that we are on some kind of train moving forward. Owen has a problem always remembering to go to the bathroom and sometimes it's a matter of he’d rather not go. I can’t even think about it so moving forward. He woke in a pretty good mood, mostly listening to my instructions but wanted me up early. When I took him to see his grandparents he decided he wasn’t going bowling today. We used to go to the coffee shop and bowling before he would go spend time with his grandma but now with the bowling alley opening later we flipped our day around. However, I think this is throwing him off and now trying to go to the bowling alley later in the day is hard for him. Before we even left to go he started saying, “no bowling today”. When we got in the car I thought he might change his mind but his mantra continued. I turned towards the bowling alley and he started screaming, “wanna go home let’s go home wanna go home”. We went home. He wanted to scream the whole way home. I wanted him to not scream the whole way home. I started asking him to sing every song I could think of. He slowly started singing them one by one for me. Thankfully a lot of animals can go on the farm. He yelled a little here and there but we made it home with only a few emotional moments. He realized he needed to change his clothes so he went to his room and he brought me his shirt. There’s that train moving forward. I’m not going to think about why he needed to change. When I was fixing his dinner he asked me for cheese. It makes me happy when he randomly asks for foods he doesn’t always eat. And then the avocado that was sitting on the counter caused him to have a little meltdown until I “throwdeded away”. He absolutely loves guacamole but can’t stand to see an avocado. As the night wore on he talked with Siri. When he went to bed he laid there reciting all of the conversations he had with her. And fell asleep in my arms with the fake snoring in full swing. Through tired eyes, I laid there praying for comfort for my sweet baby O. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Rejoice, be thankful, and know that you matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The repetitive behaviors are in full swing and Owen’s repetitive behaviors are making me have repetitive behaviors. It’s a complete cycle of repetition. How do we stop the train. Last night he yelled about the blanket that was already on him. Tonight he yelled about the blanket that was on him. I told him it was on him and he screamed at me. My heart breaks when he gets upset about something that he can’t process or isn’t what he needs it to be. Tonight, after he screamed for ten minutes, asking about the blanket and then yelling “no big hug” when I tried to help him, I stopped him, telling him it was quiet time and that he needed to count. I started, “one two three”. He finally started counting. I told him to breathe. He started screaming again. I made him count again. He counted to his version of forty, “thirty-one thirty-two thirty-three thirty-four thirty-five eighty-six eighty-seven eighty-eight eighty-nine forty”. After the thirties, he always does the top few numbers in the eighties and then says the next number right back in place. He told me “no more again” and stopped counting. I told him to breathe and find calm in his brain. I’m always trying to find ways to redirect his energy. I know it’s hard for him to process it all. His last few days have been filled with lots of emotions. I want to hold him and scream with him some days. I remind him that he is not alone and through these moments we will grow together. I hang on to the fact that he is thriving in school, loves to go, and is learning life skills. Each day is a gift. Even through the struggles and challenges, I tell him that he can do anything he sets his mind to. When we were coming home from his therapy today he struggled once again with the stoplights. I asked him to say different phrases in all the languages he loves. It didn’t take long for him to be onto me but at least for a few minutes, he was happy. When we got home he ate all of his dinner, sang lots of songs with me, and was very calm. Now to figure out how to translate all of that to a calmer bedtime. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Find your strength, dream big, and make the world a better place. Smiles to all and donut daze!
We talk about Owen sleeping all night in his “blue bed”. He says the “blue bed is my bed”. But actually sleeping all night in his bed I think is a dream of mine. He calls his bed the “blue bed” and mine the “white bed” because of the blankets we have on each of them. His bed has a tent over it. He loves it but it sure doesn’t help him sleep. He has white noise machines that don’t make the right noise. He has blankets and weighted blankets but none of those are the magic ones either. He has stuffed animals that sing and play music. And all he wants is to sleep in my bed. I’ve given him my old bedroom because it was so much darker in it and my old bed but he still wants to be with me. And my new room upsets him because it is so much louder. I get it but boy, oh boy, I wish we could sleep. He woke slowly but with a purpose this morning. His little mantra in full swing. “School school school school”, in a singsong manner he sang it out. He moved on to repeating his teacher’s name and other friends in the class. When we got to the bus stop he wanted to hear Siri talk about all the animals in all the languages. He laughed so hard when he heard her repeating “buffalo” in Russian and German. When we were in the car today he wasn’t exactly pleased with the way I was driving but I started distracting him by asking him to say the animals in different languages. He laughed as he said “buffalo” over and over again in the languages. He tries to mimic how Siri said them exactly. I told him when we got home we were going to read some books. I didn’t mention it to him when we walked in the door because I knew we would eat dinner first. He said to me “no read books today” and I know that meant good luck getting me to read with you. Some days we push it and some days we say that’s a wrap. On a scale of one to a million, it was a much better than yesterday with a middle of the road score. Days like these I reflect on how far we’ve come and know that tomorrow we will keep growing. Today is the day for victory in your world. Know that you can do amazing things if you put your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The last few days Owen has felt like he was on edge. Any little change can set him off. His words are a constant repeat that can go on for hours. “Grandpa’s not gonna”, he starts. Depending on how I look, act, or what I say determines his next actions and reactions. And the rules change. He started again, “Grandpa’s not gonna”, but this time he went on with his foot tapping the ground, “get in the”. He hung the sentence open again. “Grandpa’s not gonna get in the” over and over and over and over he said it. I’m not sure how many times you can say it in an hour’s time but he said it. “No Grandpa’s not going to get in the car”, I said. I had said this numerous times, not as many as he had said it but enough times. That was all he needed. He could process it and move forward. The screaming drains you. Both of us. All I can think is how can I help my baby find calm. When he got home from school we had a few errands to run. He didn’t like any of the directions I was going. “You didn’t go straight”, he yelled out. “Turn right at the building”, he went on. He finally calmed down when I was on the highway but as soon as I got off he went straight into a meltdown. I begged the Lord again for calm to wash over him. It’s so hard emotionally to hear him scream just for the direction I’m driving. Sure, maybe there is more but how do I know, how do I help him. He can’t express it. I got him his requested chicken nuggets hoping this would help him calm down but all it did was make him mad about them not closing their window and me having to open ours. When we got home he ate almost all of them, calmed down for the most part, and we got him ready for bed. As soon as he got into bed he started saying and repeating “blanket please” and didn’t stop until he was almost asleep. His blanket was on him and he would throw it off, pull it back up, and scream again. I moved and the process started all over again. He fell asleep talking about where we were not turning. I pray for sleep and a calm night for him. My heart focuses on his laughter as he stood at the bus stop asking Siri how to say buffalo in Russian. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. You are not alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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