Broken Monday

When you’re trying to keep it all together, and it still feels like you are going in circles, you have to push forward. That’s what I keep telling myself. Last night was probably one of the hardest nights we’ve had in years, even though Owen slept through it. He got into bed with me around midnight. I was so exhausted, I wasn’t sure what was happening at first. Yesterday, he needed input constantly. Every time I turned around he was needing hugs, or wanting me to massage his legs, or feet. He can’t tell me he needs input, but his actions, and phrases, told me otherwise. He sat on my lap many times, squishing into a ball, pushing against me, and putting his feet in my hands. He can say, “piggy market”; that means he wants me to rub his feet. He started saying this when I would go through the nursery rhyme, about the little piggy going to market, moving through each of his toes. I would then rub his feet, after going through the saying, and do compressions. Through the night, even in his sleep, he was pushing against me. It was like when he was younger, and would try to lay in the small of my back. His hands were intertwined into my hair, seeking comfort like he was a toddler, once again. I woke with my mind spinning, praying this was only a temporary thing. I’m hoping that I can provide the input he needs today, so he can find peace tonight. I wonder if he is growing again, or if his body aches for another reason. I try not to be the queen of overthinking, but here I overthink. He’s very happy now. I picked him up at the bus stop, and we talked all the way home. He stop along our short journey to say, “hi”, to several people, and then, “tell them bye bye”. His words, his glorious words; I’m beyond thankful for them. Autism wasn’t important to me, until autism was important to me. Every day we have a choice, let yesterday go, and rejoice in a new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!