Some days no matter what I try it feels sad. It took me several minutes and several swigs of coffee to even write the word sad. Owen’s made so much progress but when a pair of shoes is incredibly hard on my baby I just want to melt on the floor with him. Velcro, shoelaces, velcro, shoelaces, zippers, slip-ons, boots, back to shoelaces, back to velcro and, and, and over the years. Why does it have to be so hard for him. I ordered four pairs of shoes hoping one would work. None did. I might try one of the velcro pairs in the morning but it seems like such a struggle for him. He fixates on how his current shoes are tied, or tries to untie them, or screams about them being untied when they are still tied, and the list goes on. Velcro was our go-to for a little bit until the velcro started curling up. Then I tried slip-ons, which was a no-go. Boots didn’t work, sandals are not something we can even consider, flip flops are a flop, and what does that leave, oh zippered shoes and those get immediate screams. The four new pairs I tried were in and out and in the boxes again in less than five minutes. He wouldn’t even try one of them, his other foot pushed two off, and the last one was a grab and throw. I have the shoes sent to my house, I can’t even breathe through the thought of taking him to a store to try shoes on. I keep telling myself the tomorrow will finally come that he is literally comfortable in his own shoes. I can’t buy the shoes in every size because I thought shoelaces would be the answer but then it needed to be velcro and then back to shoelaces, so I wait. That tomorrow will come. It’s like my chant to keep me going. I hear my words coming out of Owen’s mouth but I also hear his teacher’s words, YouTube, Mickey Mouse, and from many other sources. Yesterday, on the way home from his doctor’s appointment, he started screaming at the turn he always screams at. I talk to him about screaming and how we have to respect each other and that we don’t scream. I hope the more we talk about it the less those screams will turn into meltdowns. Well, he screamed, he stopped, he said, “we don’t yell at each other respect” and started screaming again. I felt almost like I was in a Godfather movie. He said “respect” like he had great authority on the word. Some days feel sad, some days feel too rough around the edges, but I try to focus on the laughter we’ve had, the moments of focus and clarity, and his smile. Today he laughed as he learned to say, “buffalo buffalo buffalo in Arabic” and German, French, Spanish, and Russian. He sat on the couch asking Siri over and over again how to say numerous animals in all the languages she translates into. That’s the smile I need, that’s what lets me put down my coffee mug and not cry for a moment, and that’s what keeps me moving forward. Life isn’t always easy to explain but the love sure is. Be inspired and dream big. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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