Each day is a gift and today’s gift was Owen sleeping all night long. And I actually did too. How do we know something is a thing before it’s even a thing? My sweet baby O doesn’t forget a thing and because of this I never know when something he heard, saw, smelled, touched, or tasted will circle back around. It can be years before something, anything is a thing that causes him to be happy, upset, or any other emotion that he has connected to something in his past. He gets fixated on what is ahead repeating his words over and over, expecting responses from me or someone else instantly when he has spoken them. Exhaustion sets in when I try to ignore words screamed at my face after trying to distract him to keep him calm. My nerves seem to shake all on their own anymore. I’m never waiting for the other shoe to drop because they are constantly dropping. When I think something is no longer an issue it comes right back again. My heart aches for these moments and how hard it is on him. I wish I had all the answers. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. But I truly don’t always have the answers. We are working on new strategies to help him with his anxiousness about his days ahead. Each day is met with an itinerary of what is to happen in the future. It could be something he is going to do later in the day or even later in the week. The lights are all becoming a problem again. The only light he wants on all the time is the table lamp he has on his nightstand. When you live in an older home it seems like everything makes noise. These are all noises he drowns out by turning his tablet louder or screaming over them. I was thankful for a calm morning. He was excited about school but he also asked numerous times about today being his last day before the Christmas break. We’ve been working on the fact that this is 2023 and not much longer it will be 2024. Each step forward is progress. I remind myself of this. When we went outside to wait for the bus there was a light dusting of snow. He started talking about it. I still walk on eggshells waiting for his responses to the weather. It’s not something I can shut off so quickly after years of trying to make sure he could handle it all. When he got home from school he asked about all his days ahead. He asked about the people he would and wouldn’t see. I tried to focus on moving the conversation along and not letting him stay on one topic. It’s emotional. Beyond emotional. I want to comfort him by continuing to answer the same questions over and over but he’s not finding comfort in my answers. And that truly doesn’t help his progress. He stood screaming “Yes Mommy” because he wanted me to tell him when he was seeing his grandma but he had just told me he was going to see his grandma on Thursday. I want him to know it and move on but that’s not how it goes. I pray and pray and pray for strength and answers. I pray for him to find peace on days that he can’t sit still for two minutes let alone two seconds. And I pray that the days ahead lead to a beautiful Christmas for him and the connections to it that I so desperately want him to have and understand. I see the glimpses and that’s what I hold on to. Tomorrow will be a busy day for us. I hope that it will be exciting for him and make him happy. Sleep came quickly and I prayed for a restful night. Each day brings a new opportunity for hope to be met. Let laughter fill your heart and be your guide for a shining smile to share with others. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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