I sat in the dark after I had turned my light on only seconds earlier. Owen came immediately and turned it off even though he was standing in the kitchen with the light on. Some days the walk with autism is more emotional than others. I wanted the light on but was it worth the hours of meltdowns it might provoke? The light shining down on me highlights the loneliness I feel sometimes so maybe in the dark I can hide from the emotions by using my smile as a shield. Owen has grown in many ways but there are still times when I feel the earth quaking beneath me because I have said the wrong thing at the wrong time or turned at a stoplight when he thinks I should have gone straight. His screams echo through those moments. He will sit in the backseat of the car screaming “other side other side,” acting like he is going to move himself over in the car if I have to stop at a red light. Sometimes the emotions stop after the light turns green again and sometimes they keep going light after light. Most times it stops by the time we get home but then he may not get out of the car because he wants to go back through the lights we had to sit at. All I can do is imagine what he must be going through but I also remember the days that I held him in my arms for hours because of one particular red light. There is progress in our days. Each day is a stepping stone for tomorrow. And tomorrow started at our regular wake-up time. He was calm most of the morning but very excited about bowling. He kept asking when we were going and I told him after they opened. Something being open is not always a concept he understands. We went after lunch and he was very excited. He was happy to bowl and was very excited with the pins. He wanted to drive by the train depot and go to the park. I realized he didn’t have the right shoes on for the full mudding experience so I took him to a different park than the one he wanted to go to. He handled it pretty well. I knew he would still find some “mud” but at least his shoes wouldn’t get completely muddy. He calls the rain that piles up on the slides mud when he gets wet and he loves it. I remember when rain, mud, and anything else that wasn’t a clear, sunny weather day was met with meltdowns so we have come a long way. He is excited about going with our friend tomorrow while I go to an appointment. He however was not happy that we hadn’t gone to the library tomorrow. He had numerous meltdowns because it was still today and he wasn’t at the library. I don’t even know how to begin to explain to him that we can’t already do things tomorrow. The day was full of ups and downs and meltdowns in between but my favorite parts were when he was full of giggles and laughter. “Hickory dickory dock in Thailand,” he asked Siri to translate. I love when he asks her to translate from one language to the next. Today it was Spanish to Chinese and Arabic. I’m thankful for his growth. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about him having it. Each day we grow, we love, and we learn together. Find your happiness and let your heart grow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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