Pushing through the day when it wasn’t even six in the morning is not what I had planned but there I sat in my bed, drinking my coffee, trying not to cry for the woulda, shoulda, couldas. Owen slept next to me. He came to my bed around two and we were both exhausted enough to fall back asleep. My coffee cup ran dry quickly, trying to keep my emotions from spilling over my eyelids. They say if you drink water you can’t cry at the same time. I substitute coffee. It does not work. And I still cry. He slept through me getting up and getting a cup of coffee. He was going to have to get up soon for school but I let him sleep. He’s been having some really good days and our routine feels like it is falling back into place, for this, I am very thankful. But I feel like I’m falling apart. Grief is a beast. I’m trying to focus on the positive side of life. Owen feels my emotions and they are hard for him so I’m trying to explain to him that mommy is sad but he is oh so loved. He did great this morning once he got out of bed. He listened when I told him the different steps for him to get ready and off we went to the bus stop. He reminded me that I was going to pick him up for therapy and we stood there listening to Siri translate his requested phrases before the bus got there. I always stand on the side of the bus and sign “I love you” as they are buckling him in. Last year he never really looked out the window towards me but I still wanted him to see me if he did. This year is different. He watches me as they are buckling him in. It brings tears to my eyes how far he has come. The rollercoaster ride to get to this point has been rollercoastery and all over the map but here we are growing and moving forward. When I picked him up from school he talked more about blue pants than he had talked about all week. I distracted him thankfully and we moved forward. Something about him going to his therapy and seeing his therapists triggers more of these responses. The good news is that “kindness and grace” are winning. I asked him what we needed to give everyone and he said, “kindness and grace.” He had a great session they told me and when he got in the car he put his hands up and started singing a few words and then said, “hands in air move like bird.” I have a feeling maybe it’s a new song they are working on at school. I love that he is moving his hands more and connecting those motions to expressing himself. He is starting to wave to people now. He does what I call the toddler wave where he waves to himself but he’s starting to turn it outwards. I know it won’t be much longer and he will have the whole process down. He didn’t want to go get chicken when we left his therapy place. He wanted food when we got home though. He said he wanted veggie straws but I’m trying to get him to say “please” now. He used to say it all the time now his words run together and he isn’t saying them clearly, plus he isn’t using words like please and thank you. I remind him about manners and I explain that I understand it but I want him to be able to ask anyone for something. So I asked him again and said what do you want to eat and he said, “pizza.” I didn’t have any pizza so I told him we could have one tomorrow or Saturday and he said, “popcorn.” I had popcorn so I showed it to him and he said, “no.” My conclusion is he wanted to talk about foods that started with P but he didn’t really want to eat them. The night went fast and thankfully he remained calm. He’s ready for his Friday. I’m thankful he is enjoying school and that he is already learning new things. Find your strength, be inspired by the world around you, and know that your dreams are possible. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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