Owen woke a little after one. I was hoping upon hope that my going to the bathroom would not wake him but it did. Thankfully he fell back asleep quickly when he got into bed with me. I’m also thankful he was so tired he didn’t flip-flop around the whole night. A little tossing and turning but at least his head didn’t end up at my feet. I think his week was catching up to him because he wanted to lay in bed and didn’t run after his tablet. I gave him the countdown for getting ready and it wasn’t long before he realized that if he didn’t get up he wouldn’t get to play with his tablet before school. It was another smooth morning for us to get ready. He was a little concerned with my pants but I said, “what do you give mommy” and he replied, “kindness and grace.” For the last two days, he has talked about several of his triggers for meltdowns like the blue pants, my pink shoes, the doors, and lights but thankfully he has moved through them all without causing a meltdown. When Owen got on the bus the aide said he was not giving them directions anymore and was calmer. I was thankful for two things. He isn’t giving them directions anymore and they know him well enough that they know he gave directions. He was all about the directions for a while, screaming them as I would drive, and mad when I didn’t turn “right” even though it really was a left he wanted me to turn. It also doesn’t help that he knows all the directions to probably every place he has ever been he just can’t explain it. When he got off the bus it was funny because the afternoon crew said the same thing to me about no driving directions but instead he was pointing out the scenery like the flags in our downtown. He fixates on them because they change them out for the holidays. This sends him spiraling for months on end and at about the same time I can convince him they are fine they get changed. Tears sit in my eyes because I can’t even imagine how hard it is for him to see what he thinks is the wrong flag on the light poles all around our downtown. Hours and hours of meltdowns over these flags. I wish I had better words to explain things to him and I can’t avoid most of his triggers. Plus, I want him to learn to get through them with different types of coping mechanisms because we can’t avoid something like the flags that he sees every day. Change is hard no matter what stage of life you are in and it is difficult for him to process change. I am thankful that both the morning and afternoon crews see how much calmer he has been though. I had to run errands today and I put some things in the back of the car where Owen normally sits. I closed the door and almost knocked on the window because that is part of the routine that keeps him from crying and having a huge meltdown. I’m always trying to stay two steps ahead of a meltdown that isn’t even happening and this time he wasn’t even in the car. I caught myself and realized what I was about to do. Such a learned response from me to keep him happy but I always wonder if I’m making it harder or better for him. When he came home from school I could tell it had been a long week for him. He listened to none of my instructions but he wanted me to listen to all of his. He tried to give me his tablet but I couldn’t take it right away because I had my dinner in my hands eating and that lead to him biting on his finger and then he pinched my arm. He hadn’t done this in quite some time. I made him breathe with me. I explained that kindness and grace work in this situation too. As the night wore on he screamed a lot and ignored me more. When he wouldn’t answer me about what he wanted for dinner but yelled at me again I started crying. It’s all so hard on my sweet baby O. I whispered, “I love you” and then he wrapped his arms around me saying, “hug.” I cried harder knowing that he is trying so hard to process it all. The important part is that he knows I love him. The night was complete with a half-eaten dinner because he didn’t make a choice and that means it wasn’t what he wanted and then the fake snoring led to real snoring quickly and our day was done. I learned a lot today and I’m thankful for the gift of the people that care for my son. Today is the stepping stone for tomorrow’s future. Each day is a blessing for our dreams ahead. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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