The hot mess train left the building. I think I’ve cried so many tears in the last week that today, a very stressful day, no tears could fall. Until dinner time. Owen wouldn’t sit with me to have dinner. He kept running around, telling me to sit, and then saying, “go ahead you can watch tv”. There are times, like generally when we are eating dinner, he can’t watch tv. And then there are times when I wish he would understand that I desperately want him to sit with me and have dinner or read a book. I know in that moment he is not able to process it all but it is still hard for me when he won’t or can’t listen. I get it, I totally and completely get it but I also want to work with him on his own actions and reactions to my words and requests even when he is having a hard time. I try to explain to him why something is important to me or why I want him to do certain actions and I also tell him that I understand he may not be able to handle it all but we have to work through it together. Tonight felt like nothing was connecting for him until I sat there crying, eating dinner alone, and he came to me, kissing me on my forehead like I’ve done to him so many times. I cried harder. He understands so much but I know there are times he wants to do what he wants to do or he can’t process what I need him to do. I always have to decide if it’s Owen, autism, age, or any other combination I’m not thinking about that is controlling that moment. And I can add myself into that mix and maybe I’m cranky too. I was dreading bath time. I hadn’t gotten the message that the boil alert had been lifted. I started boiling water, thinking is this really necessary but doing it anyways. As soon as the water started getting hot the automated message came through, the all clear. I was so relieved. Bath time has to be a certain way and if it’s not perfect it can add hours to our night. Last night was not perfect but tonight went smoothly. I’m thankful for Owen’s smile and that together on this journey we grow. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Follow your dreams and make them a reality. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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