My eyes opened and Owen was standing next to me. I had two things going for me, his eyes looked more tired than mine and he needed help with his tablet. I blinked and looked at the clock. It wasn’t even two o’clock in the morning. I told him that it was bedtime and he could either go back to his bed or get in mine. I took his tablet without any screams from him and he climbed into my bed. It seems like within seconds we were both out again. I woke off and on as the night wore on but he slept until almost seven. Then I told him it was August. This was not a wise move and started the first meltdown of the day. He cannot process that he will see his teacher again and August is when I keep telling him he will see her. As soon as I said it was August the screams started. His hands went to his ears and he yelled “no no no” over and over again. My heart aches for these moments. How do I prepare him when I can’t even talk to him about the month ahead? I breathe. I have to stay ahead of my own emotions, my own sorrows. It’s hard watching my baby have turmoil over it being a new month. So many emotions run through my veins when his screams echo through our walls because I said what month it is. How can I do more, what should I do to help him, why can’t I figure out any solutions? My mind races trying to keep him calm and continuing to move forward. I was sitting on my bed drinking my coffee when he came into my room to make sure I was sitting on my bed in a dress drinking my coffee. He looked at my feet and started picking my toenail. It bothered him because it has nail polish on it. He wouldn’t leave it alone. This was the second meltdown. I truly never know what will upset him. He was happy in about twenty minutes after I kept my feet in my slippers. The rollercoaster ride was going to continue today because I had phone calls to make and we had workers coming to our house. I told him that they were coming but he still wanted me in my nightgown because those are home clothes but I told him I needed to wear regular clothes for when the workers got here. I didn’t wear blue pants. I had black pants on. As soon as I opened the door Owen immediately started telling them I had black pants on, clearly anxious from it all. They had been here before so they completely understood and talked to him. I answered a few questions and they went to work on our air conditioner. They left but because they were working on the outside portion didn’t tell us goodbye. This sent him into another meltdown. I thought he had calmed down but then he started thinking about them again and he went to open the door. I recently put additional locks on the door, we now have a camera, and a gate across our porch because he opened the door early in the morning one day looking for someone that came to our house months before. He couldn’t get past the additional locks I have on the door but I also feel secure knowing he would have to go through our glass door, the camera, and the gate before he could even get off the porch. I never childproofed my house when he was a baby because he never opened drawers or cabinets or doors or anything. A tear runs down my cheek because now is the time that I have to secure everything. He had a pretty good afternoon. He ate constantly it seems and we played some games together. He wanted to watch people play guitar and sing Old MacDonald and when I asked him if he wanted to play along with them he said, “I do think so” but he went to where his instruments were. His words were very repetitive, talking to me about his therapist’s pants, everything that has broken in the last few years, all the places he didn’t want to go and he did want to go, and the words sometimes came in other languages. He’s talking about all the things he can talk about now that he is making more of those connections. This is when the repetitive behaviors happen but I’m not sure why some of them are more intense. We finished off the day with a bath to rival all other baths. I’m not sure why bathrooms are not waterproof but here we are. He got out of the bath. He then looked at himself in the mirror and wiped off his face not truly drying it, while saying all the steps you do for taking a bath, drying yourself off, and hanging your towel. He still doesn’t know how to dry his body off but he hung his towel up and off he ran. Bedtime was hard for him but he wanted me to “sit right here” in his bed and he fell asleep in my arms. I’m thankful for his belly gut laughs, the songs he sang to me, and the memories we made. Every day we have a choice to keep holding on to the past or we can embrace our future. Let go, let God, and let love win. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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