He came to me before he went to the bathroom. I was sitting on my bed with my first cup of coffee. I knew he wanted his tablet but we first exchanged our good mornings that he initiated. I asked him if he went to the bathroom knowing he hadn’t and off he ran. I grabbed his tablet and went to the kitchen.
He came out of the bathroom and got to me in record time. “Move,” he said as he processed the proper way to get me out of his way. Times like this I realize how important his vision therapy is to us. I had put his tablet under my arm but he couldn’t see it even though it was sticking out. I told him I had what he was looking for under my arm. He raised his arm. I told him to look at my arm. He couldn’t process but he wanted past me because he thought his tablet was still in my room. This time I said to him your tablet is under my arm, putting my coffee mug down and pointing to my arm. He grabbed it and off he ran without another word. That may have been the first time I cried. I pray for the words to help him through these moments and I’m thankful for his team of support that work with us.
He turned my light off before I could even sit down. I breathe. What battle do I want to have today? Do I need the light on yet? It is even worse since I changed to the LED lights. I’m not a fan of them at all either but anymore I struggle to find the ceiling fan lights that I need. I tried turning it on again and off it went.
If I don’t say exactly the words he wants to hear he will spiral to a meltdown. I try to get him to breathe but my nerves are on pins and needles praying for the screams to stay at bay. “Church in a little bit,” he said in an elevated voice. He walked back towards me, with his tone increasing and wavering. He stood next to the bed leaning on it with his foot pounding on the floor. “Church in a little bit,” I finally said. And I breathed. My nerves can only be on the spin cycle for so long. Each day I pray for comfort for my son.
I sat in church letting one tear after another fall, praying to God for calm in a river of emotions that keep washing over me. The more emotional I am the more unsettled Owen can be. He feels every single emotion I have. Every tear I cried this morning he said, “Mommy happy” and followed me or sat with me as the tears flowed. I can’t even explain to him where all the emotions are coming from. Grief and life keep knocking on my door. My mom always says life happens when you have something else planned.
Let’s just say the O always keeps me guessing. He wanted to ride his bike after church and then he asked for a faster bike because his was broken. It is not. He told me, “This Spider-Man slow.” On the way home he told me he wanted Burger King but I told him we couldn’t go every Sunday so he told me he wanted to go sit by the lake and watch the deer. He went on to tell me he was going to catch a fish. When we got home his Spider-Man tablet wouldn’t charge so you know how that went. I got it to charge but it was one thing after another with all our electronics and emotions.
Except for the electronics fiasco, he was very calm, ate like he was going to be ten feet tall by tomorrow- 15 fish sticks for lunch alone, and has planned most of his week with a pool and library trip scheduled if all goes according to his plan.
Each day we are faced with challenges but those challenges can lead to our biggest victories. He almost snapped his fingers and he told me he needed a hug. There’s nothing better than a hug from my sweet baby O. Tears help a new day dawn. Smiles to all and donut daze!