I prayed all day for today to be a good day. Besides my emotions today was a great day. Grief does not let go of you even on a great day. It sucker punches you right in the gut and maybe more so on a great day. These are the types of days I would say to “uncle wichard” it was a good day for Owen. He still woke up early but for a day that was filled with so much anticipation for him, I’ll take five o’clock in the morning as opposed to any earlier. He went straight to the couch and got his tablet on the way. I heard the tablet before I heard him because it was loud. Volume control is not one of our specialties. I got up and told him he needed to go to the bathroom. He was not amused but went. The coffee could not drip fast enough. He didn’t mention blue pants, not once. Only my shoes. He wanted to make sure I was going to wear my pink shoes. I am still wearing the required outfit but I want this peace to wash over him for now. I want him to have confidence in what I’m wearing so it can be at least a moment of control for him when he looks at the world as a whole. We talked about kindness and grace again this morning before he left for school and I feel him more at peace with all of this. I need him to be at peace. Once I can find a way to calm his anxiety over my clothes and what the world is wearing then I think he will be able to move past this. He listened so well this morning and didn’t linger at all when I told him the steps we needed to do. We walked down to the bus stop and it wasn’t long before the bus turned the corner. He was off. When I walked back through our door I thought about how he smiled for me when I took his picture. He said, “smile cheese” and I knew this was extremely hard for him but he did it for me. I knew the day would be hard for him, adjusting back to his routine, but he was with his beloved teacher and I knew this would go a long way towards making it a great day. When he came home from school, he got off the bus, and immediately said, “pink shoes” and then his teacher’s name. I was thankful it wasn’t “blue pants”. He seemed calm otherwise. I asked him what he had for breakfast and he said, “donut.” Then I asked him what he had for lunch and he said, “chicken.” His teacher confirmed this is what he ate. This is a skill we have been working on for some time. I want to be able to ask him questions the pertain to his day or days gone by and have him give me answers. I am trying to get him to understand the concept of conversation and be able to share important information or something that makes him happy. His teacher said he had a great day. The first day is always challenging to get back into the routine but my sweet baby O did great and he sure was ready for it. One day at a time I remind myself, one day at a time. I keep telling myself grief has a hold of my heart so be kind to myself and keep moving forward. Owen’s laughter was exactly what I needed tonight. The melodic sounds filled my heart with gladness. Find the song you want to sing and lift your voice to carry your heart’s desire. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.