If Monday

I woke to hear Owen running to my bed. It wasn’t quite four in the morning and here he came. He quickly fell back asleep. I didn’t. The alarm would be going off soon and our day would begin. When he woke again he didn’t want to get out of bed, but asked for his teacher. That quickly changed to “wanna swinga” and it didn’t stop until he was on the bus heading to school. I hang his swing on a bar that hangs in the doorframe. He has a hammock swing hanging on a stand, but he likes the cocoon feeling of the other swing we have. I told him he could have it when he got home from school, but he wanted it right then. He wouldn’t stop repeating it. His words tumbled out every two seconds about the swing. As fast as he could finish saying it he started saying it again. I tried to distract him, but the more he said it. This is where I have to decide is it my child trying to push my buttons, is it the seven-year-old child looking for attention, is it Owen, is it autism, is it the pure exhaustion that is making it seem like he is more concerned about the swing, and I’m sure there is something I’ve forgotten to overthink about. Some days I yell in prayer to God, begging for calm for my son, for me. Some days he can’t settle at all. There is no focus or him processing my words. Others days the clarity is right there and he knows everything I am saying. Last night as he fell asleep in my arms, he asked for “big hug”. He wanted the compressions and input that it gives him. I wanted it for him. I’m thankful for his words because I know how hard it was for him when he couldn’t explain anything he wanted and I still hear his cries of anxiety when I can’t understand what he is asking for now. All I can do is tell Owen to keep trying, that I’m there for him. How do you explain to your child that you don’t understand them. This causes frustration for him and tears to fall for me. I tell him to keep trying. “Use your words”, I say, knowing that’s easier said than done. I waited for years for Owen to be able to talk to me, to even look at me in the eyes; some days both are still hard for him and emotional for me. There is victory in our days and that is what keeps me going. Today I’m thankful for his progress and together we will walk hand and hand through time. Never give up on the miracle yet to happen. Through rain, the sun will shine. My son shines every day. Smiles to all and donut daze!