I had to stay on top of my emotions today. I wanted to cry multiple times. But I wanted Owen calm even more. He was all about my emotions too. Any change in my tone and he was all over me. “Hi buddy”, he said. With those words, I know I need to be calm. He is using my words to distract me, to focus me. He doesn’t want me to cry or be emotional ever. He can tell a change in my emotions quickly as well. I tried not to let things get to me, but I woke up cranky and exhausted, my body tired before I even got out of bed. Owen ate a lot today, but with that means there is food everywhere too. I can’t convince him to stay seated through an entire meal. And I certainly can’t convince him to take a bite, put his food down, chew, pick up his food, and take another bite. I sang the song again, shrimp to the left of me, shrimp to the right, stuck in the middle with you. It’s like he is performing a magic trick with his food. It gets rolled from finger to finger, across his face, and sometimes even in his toes. I breathe. I have to remind him to take a bite and put his food down, but sometimes I want to sit and talk to him, ask him questions, and then I breathe some more. During the numerous times he gets up he wants to hug me. This means shrimp in my hair. I try to convince that’s something he also doesn’t do, but he doesn’t get it. And then there I am emotional again because I’m telling my son to sit down and I don’t want him to hug me because I’ll get more shrimp in my hair. I try to teach him rules, but no rules apply unless it is his rules. I walked to my porch, Owen came to the door. He could see me. The only thing that separated us was the glass door. He could have stood on the porch with me and I literally was putting something on the front porch and coming right back in. He started throwing things. He screamed. I stood ready to come back in and there went his tablet flying. My heart aches. Some days it doesn’t bother him if I walk into another room or outside, other days it causes meltdown after meltdown. And again I breathe. I told him if he threw his tablet again he wouldn’t have it. He tune quickly changed and I got a hug as soon as I walked in the door. He was very happy in general all through the day. A few moments in time where the rules were bended when they probably should have been stricter, it’s one day at a time. I run from my emotions most days, but today they were heavy. For the love of Owen I’m growing and each day I try to remember to be kind to my soul. He fell asleep quickly and said, “I wuv ewe”. Nothing else matters. My heart is full and his laughs were big today. Push through the sadness and find your gladness for tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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