Three, four, five in the morning truly all feel about the same. I heard Owen talking to himself in his bed around four. Maybe it was earlier, maybe that’s what woke me up, or my bladder trying to tell me we had enough sleep. Any which way we were up. That’s pretty much when the “Tuesday be with mommy tomorrow” chant started happening. My emotions were all over the map at this point. We can’t go two months of him not wanting to go anywhere. The emotional journey starts right there. Push us to go someplace and he has meltdowns. Stay home and it starts a trend I don’t know that we should do. It all feels like a rollercoaster ride. Trying to take your child to do something like go to the park or even driving around to look at stop signs because that’s what they love shouldn’t be so hard and emotional. I wish it didn’t cause him so much anxiety or stress to go places when he thinks he needs to prepare for his days ahead that he knows his routine will be there. I’m sure there are a million other scenarios running through his head but I can’t even begin to imagine them all. I get emotional, more emotional because I want to help him. I hear the fireworks all around me as I sit here writing. I wonder what he would think of them now. He asks about them every few months because he watches a video that shows them in the background, not understanding when they will set them off. I can’t mess up the sleep routine though. For years we’ve worked to get to this point. Some nights it’s still a struggle but at least most nights he is asleep pretty quickly. In general, he had a good day. His memory is amazing and reminds me of all the things we had to throw away. I go back and forth if I should let him know if I throw it away. He had a ball for a few months and now that feels like it was years ago and probably was. He sat on it and it popped. He will say “pop a ball throw it in the trash ”which leads to him saying random words knowing I will say we had to throw them away. “Gorilla tablet,” he said, talking about the cover he used to have on his tablet. He chewed through it so it broke. My black shoes he reminds me every couple of days about them. None of this really surprises me when he can tell someone what they wore two years ago when he met them one time. He’s ready for tomorrow. I told him we had to do something today or go someplace tomorrow. He said, “87 Mickey Mouse someplace different.” Technically that means he wants to go see his grandma because 87 is the channel he gets to watch Mickey Mouse on at her house. I didn’t tell him because he would be up all night but most likely he will go see his grandma tomorrow if he gets sleep tonight. I remind myself how far we’ve come and even in these days of struggles he is doing well. It’s a lot for him to process and I try to not let the sadness or emotions wash over me. Focus on the good stuff I tell myself all the time. Be brave in the moment of challenges and know that tomorrow’s victories will be that much sweeter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.