The hardest part is the hardest part. Some days walking through certain moments, feeling like nothing I’ve been through before, even though the same thing happened only a few days, weeks, months, or years ago. I think it’s the expectations of what should, could, would happen that are rough. I dream of those days that it is easier for Owen to grasp and for me to have the knowledge to help him through all of it. I made last night rougher than it should have been by trying to get him to go back to sleep. I keep expecting different results from exactly what I know is going to happen. My heart aches for how hard it is for my sweet baby O. Thursdays are Owen’s favorite days because he gets to go to therapy. And today was going to be even more special because he was getting to go to the pool. But none of that happened. When he gets something on his mind it is very hard for him to not focus on it. He was excited about finally getting to go to the pool that he couldn’t sleep last night and that means I don’t sleep. It was around one and I heard him, not quiet as a mouse this time. I went to him and told him to go back to bed if he wanted to go to the pool in the morning. I thought wow that worked because it took him no time and he put that tablet down and was in bed. From there he was up and screaming at me every twenty minutes. I gave up trying to sleep and he kept asking when we were going. Some days I can handle no sleep and function. Today was not one of them. Sitting was about all I could do. He wanted to go but he was so sleepy and cranky that even if I was half awake it would be hard to take him. I canceled his therapy because I knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on it either. This just breaks my heart. So I tried to keep him entertained. I told him I was sick because that is what he can process. He was kind and kept telling me to go to his doctor. As the day wore on he was calmer when he realized we weren’t going anywhere. I’m thankful that he found his calm. He fell asleep within minutes of going to bed. We have plans tomorrow but I’m not even thinking about them. I’m praying for sleep for both of us especially since he doesn’t know we are doing anything. I struggle with telling him about our activities because it truly is hard for him to process. I’m thankful for his kind heart and his amazing smile. Believe in the journey and make sure to know that you can do everything you set your mind to. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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