I cling to the hope of tomorrow and the reflections of today. Standing at the bus stop this morning Owen told me a story. “That’s a garden,” he said looking at the grass. I said, “what’s in the garden?” He said, “grass.” I asked him what else grows in the garden and he said, “food so you can eat-um”. I asked if he could name something else and he said, “tomato.” I loved that we had a conversation. I absolutely love hearing his words. I waited years for these conversations. They still don’t always flow easily for him but every day he finds more ways to express himself. He sang again for me in French and German. Then he wanted to ask Siri for more words in Arabic. I’m still amazed at how many languages he knows. I wonder if he understands how many languages he comprehends or if he knows that they are all separate languages even though he asks Siri about each of them. The bus came around the corner and he was so happy to be going. I thought the morning had gone well. We discussed the night before what we would be wearing, he even told me to wear floral pants instead of the grey ones I was going to wear but this week has been way too much for my baby. Monday they had a field day with school, Tuesday was a holiday, the security of us wearing blue pants has changed all week, and then today one of his therapists wasn’t going to be there and I told him before he went in. It was all too much for him. He was crying with his last therapist because no one had blue pants on and he wanted me. My heart breaks and aches for how hard this is for him. Once he got in the car he was a little calmer and I stood talking to his therapist for a few minutes. We are all on the same page. It’s not a behavior that he is doing to get or seek attention. It truly is an emotional connection. We have been through so many of these phases, cycling in and out of them. I can’t even think how many have gone away only to resurface at different times. The hours of meltdowns he would have because I would touch my hair pulling it to the side of my head. Or taking my glasses off. My hair being wet. The door being opened, closed, or not knocked. The list, the list goes on and on. And my heart breaks a little more. It’s not easy to move someone forward from an obsessive behavior. It’s a constant forward motion that gets pushed back or at the drop of a hat or if I wear a hat. It is huge victories when he lets me wear a hat and no meltdown happens. But as I know all too well the meltdowns swirl in his mind until, like today, it’s all too much and builds up. Tomorrow we will wear blue pants. I want him to be happy but he still fell asleep talking about me wearing one pair of shoes to the bus stop and a different pair when I pick him up. And he doesn’t forget what we wore, ever. I breathe and I’m exhausted. I made a few calls today for more specialists to see, I’ll make more tomorrow. I have to get him more help before the behaviors keep consuming him. One day at a time I remind myself. Once we got home from therapy he had a great night. He ate twelve chicken fingers and asked for “more chicken please” and he ate eight more. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Let your life be inspired by the journey at hand. You can do incredible things if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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