I’m concentrating on the victories today. I have to. Owen slept later. I won’t say he slept late but four o’clock in the morning is better than three. I was hoping by starting the bedtime process later it would help but it wasn’t enough to change his wake-up time. Rinse, repeat. The waves of grief still hit hard and I’ve been thinking a lot about the day before my brother died. And the day before that and the day before that. Occasionally Owen says something it reminds me of a moment in time or something happens and I think about my brother. Grief expands and contracts in my day. My emotions overwhelm Owen. He’s still learning to deal with and process how emotions work. And mine seems to be working overtime right now. He was relatively calm today though. When he woke he came to me. He told me all about the blue bed and then I asked him if I was going to get a “good morning mommy” at some point. He blurted it out and off to get his tablet. It was the “take your bladder to the bathroom” point and this is when he informed me to go back to bed. I was like dude I would love to be sleeping but someone had other plans for me. His next set of instructions came about the lights. I told him that if he wanted milk I would need to be up and the lights on. I proceeded. After I got his breakfast and my coffee I sat. And he turned out the lights. The lights may not be on but somebody is home. I needed to stay motivated and focused. I pulled my hair back, I walked into the kitchen, and Owen looked at me. He immediately went after my hair but I showed him it was all still there. I breathed. It was a victory with my hair. He didn’t try to pull it out. He touched it but from there it was fine, kinda. He referenced it numerous times but at least I could leave it up without a huge meltdown. The vacuum cleaner is still his favorite thing right now and I have the cleanest two-inch section of one floor. The ball that the wind gave us a few months ago popped when he was bouncing on it. He said, “everybody be careful pop the ball”. I turned to him because I was in the kitchen and he said, “it broke another black ball please”. He went on to tell me that he “pop the ball pop the ball” and that he can have another one tomorrow. He might be getting the hang of this asking for what he wants and knows that it comes later, generally in the mail. He didn’t scream but he was sad it broke. He keeps telling me about it. The other two balls he has that bounce are bigger and smaller. He yelled out “get another one”. It thrilled me to my core to hear him so passionate about wanting something and I laughed a little as he told me to get him another one. I looked for the same one online but couldn’t find it. Maybe the wind will bring us another one someday. He fell asleep in my arms. I was thankful today was calmer. We got out for a little bit today and he handled it amazing. I let him tell me where he wanted to drive. He never forgets a thing. I am pretty sure we drove the way his bus would bring him home. He was happy. And that makes this momma happier. Follow your heart, let your joy overflow, and tomorrow embrace your future. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.