Even in quiet it feels like a roar around us, there’s always an emotion that’s waiting to escape. Today was mostly a good day with a side of anxiety mixed in for both of us. When Owen woke he was calmer than he was when he went to bed but he immediately wanted to know when we were going to his doctor’s appointment that was almost twelve hours later. Telling Owen his schedule is a good thing and a hard thing. Giving him his schedule helps him keep track of his days and promotes his future independence but for now, it creates an obsession about that moment in time. He repeats the same words over and over again trying to create a conversation that he truly doesn’t know how to have yet. When it was finally time for us to go to his appointment I started talking to him about sentences he could use instead of repeating his doctor's name. I told him that he could express his feelings about the appointment and getting to go. He loves going to his therapy and seeing everyone there. I practiced going over the words with him breaking them down as we drove. I was also trying to fill in as many words as I could that did not give him time for him to scream about each and every one of the traffic lights. My own anxiety runs high every time we get in the car because I’m waiting for him to yell at me. He did great at his appointment but on the way home his “shoe is untied” became the fixation of the moment. This has been going off and on for years. We go back and forth between velcro and lace-up shoes. Velcro works for a while until it starts to curl and does not stick as well. Once this happens he has to pull it up and down trying to get it back on the right spot. And I can still hear all the squeals from his frustration when it would not lay flat. We’ve tried other styles and each one has something that he will become fixated on after time. On the way home, he kept telling me his shoe was untied. Generally, he unties his shoe or he shakes his foot until it unties. Today he took his shoes off and then he yelled about taking his shoes off and then he yelled even louder about me putting his shoes back on. I breathed. How do you stop a moving train when you are in a moving car, you keep going. To lighten the mood I asked him if he wanted me to stop to put it back on. Okay, so that created more yelling. “Homma”, he yelled, “hommmma”. I told him if I didn’t stop he wouldn’t get his shoes back on until we got home. Either way, I was not stopping. We had less than fifteen minutes and we would be home. The next great decision I made was to not put his socks on him and only put his shoes on to walk to the house. All we had to do was walk in and off they would be again. Let’s just say that didn’t go according to plan. As the night wore on he asked me to take his bath and go to “sweep”. Well alright, let’s go I said. His reply, “two more minutes”. The highlight of my day was hearing him talk to Siri, asking for one thing after another. His voice is getting stronger and every day I see growth in my sweet baby O amidst the struggles he has. Never give up. Each day there is a lesson to be learned and a story to grow from. Find your happiness in the smiles that surround you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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