The world is a huge place and there is one small boy that looks out the window to a world unknown. The more I think I understand the more I know I’m confused. How can I help Owen through a meltdown when I can’t even figure out what the trigger is and how to avoid it or at least talk him through it. When we came home yesterday there were a lot of extra cars around our house. Depending on the time of day and the events around town there will always be cars and people around. He wants to tell people hello and goodbye. He doesn’t understand when people don’t talk back to him and he doesn’t always want to talk to them when he does see them. There are rules and routine for everything we do until that changes. Yesterday, he stood in front of the window crying out to the cars that were there. No one was even close to them, but he kept yelling, “tell them bye bye”. He doesn’t understand that they won’t magically disappear. And there’s something that keeps triggering him to cry out. His words don’t match the scene outside our window, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t to him. All I can do is try to distract him. I remind myself to breathe and that this is how he processes his emotions. I still want to cry. He isn’t sleeping through the night and always ends up in my bed. I will never understand his need to hold the tiniest strands of my hair and how he can find them in his sleep. As he grows the huge pillows that I have on my bed to keep him in a little cocoon no longer hold him. I dream of ways to give him the comfort he seeks. I look at different therapy machines and sleeping apparatuses and I’m at a loss to which things to try. I never imagined the daily struggles my little boy would go through and the heartstrings it would pull for me. I try to remember to be patient and kind even at two o’clock in the morning when I want to scream to both of us go back to sleep. All of the magic sleeping pills and supplements that are supposed to make him sleep don’t. Some of them even causing more aggression, anxiety or heightened restlessness. More breathing for this momma. The journey through autism is not one that is easily explained, but the love, that’s the easy part. Owen’s smile has calmed me when my tears were ready and his words are good for my soul. Find your happiness, live your dreams out loud, and make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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