My exhaustion is exhausted. I didn’t fall asleep until almost one last night. By two Owen decided he needed milk and to go to grandma’s house. There was no convincing him that it was still bedtime and we certainly weren’t going to grandma’s house at two o’clock in the morning. When Owen wants something Owen does not let you forget it. He will remind you about every two point two seconds if he doesn’t remind you quicker. I remind him to breathe, count to ten, and offer distractions only for him to state exactly what he wants once again. And I’m exhausted. Me handling the situation correctly means back to sleep, no screaming, and a happy Owen. Me handling it incorrectly gets him talking about going to grandma’s house all night long, all morning long, and in the car until we got there. When I picked him up he went on to the next phase of our weekend, church. Part of his anxiousness and anxiety is brought on by the fact that these routine things, that he absolutely loves, have been taken away from him during the pandemic. I think back to how many times I had to hold my baby, rocking him on the floor because he couldn’t understand how his life changed so much. All of this has been hard on everyone but Owen can’t even begin to understand this. He doesn’t understand when there are any breaks from his daily routine under normal circumstances and then add in a pandemic and what do I even say. He holds on to the things he can and needs to be reassured over and over and over times a thousand every day that he will be going back to school and church and his grandma’s and and and. My heart aches. I’m going to instead focus on the connections he’s making. He brought me his tablet. He read the title under one of the videos and before we could search it the internet went out for a moment. Luckily only for a moment. I closed YouTube and by the time I opened it again, it was working. “There we go”, he said when YouTube popped back on. He hadn’t said as many words today, I’m sure exhausted from his night so to hear the expression, using his words delighted me. Through pure exhaustion I dragged my feet to get him ready for bed, praying that he would fall asleep quickly. He took his bath, got his pajamas on, started watching “the movie” which is really a calming music video, and was out within ten minutes. This momma needed that. As soon as my head hits the pillow I pray I’m asleep too. Luckily the sleepless nights aren’t as common anymore but boy oh boy are they hard when they do. I rejoice in his growth, strength, and the inspiration he gives me to keep pushing forward. Find your voice, share your story, and know that you are important. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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