I never want to walk out my door again. The meltdowns, the emotions, the screams, they are all raw and real. And then add in Owen repeating every place or person he has stayed with for the last few years and I’m in circles. He did so well on our entire drive until the last two minutes on our way home. He screamed so hard he was making himself gag. I hardly said any words to him all the way to therapy and all the way home. That in itself is hard but he did so much better than most of our drives lately. He wants a negative response from me so he can scream louder and pretty much anything I say or do causes him to struggle. I’m exhausted trying to figure it all out and keeping ahead of his emotions. My heart aches for my sweet baby O. How do I calm him, how do I explain to him that he needs to learn to breathe. I wish I could explain to him that not everything goes according to plan. I keep thinking I will go another route or magically this phase will run its course but that could take months or years. Plus he knows all the roads around us and where they lead. I can’t avoid an area because all roads lead to somewhere for him. All I can do is pray for calm to wash over him and that tomorrow he will understand when we have to be in the car again. I’m constantly wondering if he would do better if he couldn’t see out of the car. I try to decide if something like a drape all around his carseat would help. I always bring distractions with us like his tablet, weighted blanket, or food but nothing helps. Today I’m going to breathe and think about all of the amazing things he can do. He’s learning a new language that I don’t even recognize where it’s from. I’ll have to look it up. He is singing Humpty Dumpty in this new language and he’ll soon add it to the others he knows. He’s ready for school tomorrow, asking for his new teacher. Tonight he also asked about when he would see his other teacher again. If only I could figure out how to go straight from June to August when he returns to school. I keep praying the next few weeks go slow. He’s doing a great job wearing his glasses and they make me smile. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Keeping pushing forward and know that you are not alone. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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