The down side of life is what I have to keep pushing past. There are so many things I need to do, but can’t even figure out how to do, so I sit, waiting for calm to wash over me. One of the hardest things for me is having Owen constantly repeat himself. And it’s not a moment of time with him repeating himself, it can be hours and hours and hours of him repeating himself. The choices are: ignore the behavior, but this makes him either scream his words or get in my face to make sure I heard the words. I can go along with the behavior and tell him the answer he wants to hear. If I tell him the answer he doesn’t want to hear the screaming intensifies or he starts crying which can lead to a meltdown. And I can also let him only talk about something so many times, giving him a chart to track the times he’s referenced something, but he doesn’t get charting at all yet. This is something you have to reinforce daily with many examples, repetitively. I’m sure I’m missing an action and reaction I need to do, but that’s where we are at. Add in the fact that he doesn’t understand consequences or the fact that screaming only gets us so far and we are at a standstill. Physically, mentally, emotionally this is my daily routine of wanting to do everything I can to help my baby and help me. Exhaustion sets in for both of us, even though he doesn’t always show it like I do, and all I want is a calm for my child and for myself. The last couple of weeks have been hard. I try to get ahead, but it only seems like I’m falling further behind. I look at my house and I see how wrong it is for my child. Laundry is on a different floor, taking Owen to the basement is hard. He isn’t great on steps unless he is really paying attention and he yells as I try to leave the room to go put something in the wash. If he sees me collecting clothes he starts screaming that “it stop making de noise”. His hands go to his ears and his screams echo through my head. How do you reason with this, how do I explain that it’s going to be fine, how do I make myself go to the basement anyway. And sometimes I just do. My eyes weep over laundry. How silly is that I tell myself. Today I tell myself you are strong, you can do this, as a tear escapes my eye’s hold. My thoughts are with other families going through similar things and my prayers are with you all. Hold on tight and know that today is a moment in time. Cry it out and let your soul go of the hurt. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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