Some days don’t feel real. I get stuck on one thing and can’t move forward. The screaming wears me down. I keep telling myself Owen is in a growth spurt or maybe it’s because school will be out soon and his teacher is doing everything she can do to prepare him that she can and I’m trying to talk to him about it on my side. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. The calmer I am the calmer he is, sometimes. We went to one of our therapy sessions and on the way home, he was trying to tell me which way to turn. I told him we were not going to see the windows today. I need him to understand that not every day will he get to see them. His words are still limited even though his vocabulary seems huge. He can’t always express his emotions and he doesn’t always understand mine or that they are not always directed at him or from him. When I didn’t turn the way he wanted I could hear the scream brewing. I immediately started asking him questions. He was not focusing and could not concentrate on my words. I got louder. Since I was driving I couldn’t make him look right into my eyes so I needed to capture his attention. I said, “a is for”. He didn’t respond. He was ready to let loose with the screams. I got louder, “a is for”. He responded. “A is for alligator”, he said, quickly followed by “go straight”. I went on right over his words, “Owen b is for”. He answered. I kept going. He had a quiver in his voice but he answered with my cues. When we got to G he said “G is for Ghana” and I thought is that what he really said. Then we got to T and he said, “Thailand”. I thought wow, how many countries does he know. When we got home he still was upset but we made it inside without him screaming. I felt relieved. He was listening to Mickey Mouse in some other language while he ate dinner. He then said to me, “n is for knee”. Before I could say anything my words came tumbling out of his mouth, “dude k is for knee”. I had to laugh. He laid in bed agitated and ready to scream. The new larger weighted blanket tossed aside more times than I can count. He doesn’t like it any more than he’s liked the smaller ones. He finally fell asleep, asking for his teacher. I pray this summer goes fast. My heart aches knowing how hard breaks are for him. I hear his voice getting stronger every day. He’s my miracle and my hope all wrapped into one amazing package. Know that you can do anything if you set your mind to it. Life is what we make it so let’s make it grand. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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