I think I heard “tablet” around two in the morning but since it wasn’t screamed an inch from my nose and I didn’t hear it again I was back asleep pretty quickly. I think I sleep with one eye open, ears that listen for the frogs to sing ten states away, and a foot on the floor ready to get up at any point. Owen has been sleeping better in the last year, ever since the man in the yellow hat told Curious George to go to bed but I still wait for those moments and this past week with him on break has been full of them. I woke again at about five and was greeted with a very sleepy Owen, tablet in hand, saying “grandma” as I scooted past him to go to the bathroom. The good news is he was in his room quietly playing with his tablet even if he was up extremely early. I stay up way too late but the quiet of the night seems to be those moments I reflect and rethink. So maybe I shouldn’t be rethinking everything but I’m exhausted. I try to think of ways to minimize his repetitive behaviors. This is hard. He reads my expressions even if it is a quick sigh. I’m trying to let him scream it out. The results are the same even if I answer back once or every single time. If I sit and wait him out he’s still screaming so I breathe. Once we were up he knew exactly what he wanted to do and that was to get to see his grandma. He stood next to me more than he was away from me telling me that he was ready to go. This lasted for hours. I never gave the exact answer he wanted, trying to not connect the answer with the behavior for him. I talked to him about how brilliant he is and that he can figure this out. I explained to him that his brain was incredible and he already knew the answers. I’m trying to build his confidence in the knowledge that he does know. He needs to remember he is incredible. The closer it was time to go I still wouldn’t say when we were leaving but he knew he had to take his supplements before we left so he kept asking for his yogurt to push me along. I told him that we were going to start going to his grandma’s house on different days. I told my mom that I wanted to occasionally switch his Saturdays to Sundays after church so hopefully this will help the transition of days and behaviors. We finally got out the door and he had a great time with her. On the way home he screamed but I once again tried to stay strong and not reply. I asked him questions and to sing for me. I made no detours and came straight home. He was yelling about going by the fire trucks but I kept going. I was surprised when he got right out of the car but he went right into a pile of leaves. The night was certainly quieter than the morning but the questions started. He wanted to confirm church and school were happening over the next few days. I confirmed once and moved on. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. Sometimes we only talk about the things we can handle but that doesn’t mean the world hasn’t shown us other stories. Each day I pray for strength and guidance for a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is two years since I lost my brother. I’m focusing on the memories that grief was built on. The grief is there because I loved him but the strength is coming to face each day without him. I pray Owen sleeps tonight and tomorrow all his dreams come true. Church, Santa, and the fish are on the agenda. The steps may feel hard but the victory will be sweeter with each step forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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