The rollercoastery ride of a Saturday is only written in stone when the clock strikes midnight for the next day. To say I have had every emotion today is probably an understatement. I didn’t fall asleep until after midnight. I didn’t cry. It has been one year since my brother has been gone. It doesn’t seem possible. I miss him. I woke several times in the night. Owen came to my room at four in the morning asking for his tablet but I convinced him to go back to sleep and he slept until well after seven. These are the best days when he sleeps and tells me about everything in the world. He was walking around the house telling me story after story. He talked about the pirate ship, planets, Mickey Mouse, and foods. He wants to make more paper cards for his teacher with shapes and colors. We talked for over thirty minutes before he got his tablet. It was amazing. He asked for pancakes for breakfast and he knew he was going to see his grandma once again. We were in no rush and it took him a while to eat his food. When we got ready he once again wanted to wear his sandals. He also requested several other pairs of shoes. I told him that he could decide what he wanted. I dropped him off with my Mom and I ran around for a while before I went to pick him up. He wanted to go to the park and take his bike with him. He rode with his grandma and I met them there. I could see the change in his eyes almost instantly when we went into the park. He pushed his balance bike around the entire fenced-in area. His attention was focused on what people were wearing though. He walked up to a lady and told her that she had to leave. He went on about her clothes and my heart just breaks. He started crying. We stood there trying to comfort him and distracted him enough to get him to ride his bike some more. He went back and forth between talking about getting stuck on the slide to everyone not wearing blue pants. I know part of this is because he has been out of school. Not having his routine is incredibly hard for him. On the way home, he was upset about the whole blue pants thing. I told him that he had to find a place in his brain to move the blue pants to so that he could concentrate on something else. He wants to go to the big slides again tomorrow. I said that he could go if he gave everyone kindness and grace with their clothes tomorrow. I can’t even explain how sad I am for my son that the color of pants someone wears makes him cry and he spends hours thinking about this. I put on pink flannel pants and a grey shirt when we got home. I was not in one of my usual nightgowns that he calls a “dress,” so this sent him into another meltdown. The rules, the routine, when do I sit, when do I stand. He laughed a lot tonight but it was mixed with his own rollercoaster ride of emotions. He asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner and then said, “no peanut butter and frogs please.” He ate all of his peanut butter and no frogs sandwich. I didn’t have any jelly left but he usually doesn’t like jelly. He cried himself to sleep, talking about all the clothes everyone was wearing, and waking numerous times screaming. I prayed extra hard today for peace for my baby. And I pray he can find rest through the night. The struggle for him is incredible. I want him to be able to process this and understand he has to move forward because the world will not all wear blue pants. I thought the banana meltdowns were hard. We go in December to a new doctor that I hope will be able to shed some light on how to help Owen. Between that and the visual therapy maybe this will bring a calm to his heart. I cling to the morning when his words filled my soul with the warmth I needed. He has come so far and he will continue to shine. I know he will. More research, more prayers, more guidance will come. Never give up the hope for tomorrow. The bird’s song is their beautiful story and yours to share and be blessed with. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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