Today felt like that slow victory with a side of tired preparedness and anxiousness all mixed in with some “are you happy today” moments. In other words, it was all over the map. Owen slept a little later, woke up a little calmer, and quite frankly handled our internet being out better than I could imagine. The last time our internet was out he was crying and downright agitated. The meltdowns were right on the surface. Today he let me talk on the phone with the support specialist and he was interacting with him by mimicking what I was saying. This, instead of yelling was a refreshing change. It was many, many hours before our internet came back on but thankfully Owen went to visit grandma for the afternoon. Before we left I was trying to distract him from not being able to talk to Siri. He kept asking her how to say something in all the languages but she kept telling him she was unavailable. I asked him if he wanted to help me paint the backgrounds of our paintings. He said, “do you wanna paint an Easter egg”. My heart exploded with joy and sadness at the same time. Yesterday he sang, “single bells single bells single all the way” and today he watched Halloween shows and now talking about painting Easter eggs. I might need to fix another cup of coffee to get through those emotions. I feel like we are one step closer for him to be able to understand each of the holidays and their significants but I still get emotional about how hard it can be on him. I wish I had gotten eggs for him to dye. I hadn’t even considered it. It’s such an emotional journey. The expectations of what a holiday shoulda, woulda, coulda been sit heavy, knowing that routine and order outweigh the excitement of a holiday for him and he doesn’t grasp them yet. But my hope is on tomorrow, my hope is for his future, and my hope is in knowing that when’s he’s ready I will do anything I can to help it make his dreams come true. Owen fell asleep quickly tonight. He hasn’t been quite himself all day. The anxiety of his days and routine being off are not helping him process his emotions. Learning to adapt is not always easy but knowing that my sweet baby O is happy is what matters. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. Maybe we can still dye Easter eggs tomorrow. Learning to let go and not be hard on yourself, well, it can be hard. But be kind to your own heart, learn and grow for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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