Owen slept. It was after six before I heard him run to get his tablet and then to the bathroom. I can’t tell you how many times I was awake. My phone kept going off during the night for weather-related events near us and my heart was crying like the rain that was falling. Thankfully we are fine but there is more hurt for my surrounding community. Today was emotional. Tomorrow will be more emotional. It’s my brother’s birthday. This does not get easier and hasn’t even been a year. Grief is hard. Our morning went fast and owen made it very clear he didn’t want to go anywhere. He threw away his brand new Spider-Man socks my mom got him because I opened the drawer to get the scissors to take them apart. Anytime I open this one particular drawer he will come running from wherever he is to shut it. It’s the middle drawer in the kitchen, the junk drawer, but it can never be left opened and anything associated with it makes him upset. How do you stop using a drawer that you use all the time and as soon as I move the stuff this rule will be rewritten and he will move forward. I put his socks down for a minute to put away the scissors and they were gone. Later, I found them in the trash. He doesn’t forget a thing. He wanted to go into his old room that used to have his crib so he could get in it with his stuffed deer named “Buck.” Let me say that again, he doesn’t forget a thing. He came to me wanting “animal sounds song cars.” I wasn’t sure what this was but he was in my room pointing to where our craft supplies are kept but I told him there were no cars in there. Then he told me to come here. He started watching a video with a lady singing an animal sounds song. She was showing papers with pictures that he was calling cars. He said, “animal sounds song cars.” He wanted to make cards. I got paper and crayons and we sat there making these beautiful pictures. He made a cow, duck, dog, and owl. He wrote the name of each on all four and then the sound they make on three. Then he said he was done and ran to the bathroom. It was incredible. He wanted to do this. It was his idea. I held his hand a couple of times and his animals nor letters were truly clear but this was God’s gift to us today. I’ve had so many personal challenges, defeats, and sadness lately that I prayed all morning for a calm day. He was calm but also extremely loud and hyper. It’s such an interesting contrast but then there it was, he wanted to draw these glorious pictures. I needed these moments with him. I needed this confirmation. The day was full. He wanted to take his shirt off so he could go swimming with Spider-Man at the pool. I said we could go on Wednesday if it wasn’t raining. He said, “take a bath.” I told him it would be a couple of minutes and he said, “thirty seconds.” I told him it would take me a little bit longer. I was getting ready to eat my yogurt and I offered it to him. He wanted my yogurt and I kept trying to hand him the spoon but he wanted me to feed it to him in between bites of veggie straws, laughing the entire time. I needed these moments. He hasn’t wanted yogurt in quite some time. The rest of the night went quickly and so did he. He requested shrimp for lunch and dinner and after his dinner meal off to the “white bed,” he went, and before I could stop him all the shrimp particles swam into my bed. I got him out of my bed and cleaned up. We sang together and then it was bedtime “Mommy’s bed,” he said, clearly wanting to go back to where the shrimp were. Owen needs to stay in Owen’s bed, I said. He said, “No mommy’s bed.” And I said, “you put shrimp in my bed.” “No shrimp mommy’s bed,” he said. And with that, he was out. We have so much stuff everywhere. I’m always thinking it will make me happy or Owen needs some new object to work on a certain skill. It is just stuff. The moments I had with him are what matter. The reflection of today is looking back on these moments, these incredible memories that got me through an extremely hard day. God did not necessarily answer the prayer I wanted but instead gave me the gift I needed. Tomorrow we have a therapy appointment and other plans. He doesn’t know about any of them because I wanted him to sleep tonight. I pray for that. Today my memories are filled with progress and laughter and tomorrow they will be carried in my heart. Count your victories no matter how big or small they are, count them all. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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