“What’s your favorite color”, I asked Owen repeatedly. I’ve asked that question for years. He’s never answered, but I know he will one day. His likes, wants, and needs are all things I want him to be able to share with me. Owen will sing certain parts of songs to express his feelings. Many years ago he was sick. He started singing, “momma called de doctor and de doctor said”. I was never so happy for those jumping monkeys and their song, but I hated that my baby was sick. I told the doctor I rejoiced with his connection to the song. And then I cried because how could I possibly be happy when he was sick. But this was a big moment for him. He was able to at least express that he wasn’t feeling well. Years later I still ask him to tell momma when he’s sick or not feeling well and he sings the song. I think about the things I don’t even want to think about. My sensory child doesn’t understand how to throw up away from himself. He will lay down and doesn’t understand any of the ramifications of what is happening with his body or why he shouldn’t lay his head down. He goes through times where his need for sensory input is greater and other times the world is overwhelming to his body. Owen will put on a long sleeve shirt without really thinking about it. His arms are completely covered already by the long sleeves, but it takes him five minutes to put his arms into a coat. Any coat, it doesn’t matter, winter, rain, fleece-lined. He sees me get his coat and his arms become like pipes that won’t bend except around his own body. He puts his arms in very hesitantly, almost like it pains him, but he already has long sleeves on. The weight of the jacket doesn’t matter it all seems to cause the same reaction. Today he did well in general, but did not want me to do anything besides pay attention to him so I sat a lot more than I wanted to. The emotional journey was mine to be had. I cried a lot and that made Owen laugh. He also hugged me and that made me happy, but I cried still. How hard this feels for me is only magnified by the fact that I can’t even begin to explain it all to Owen. It was another night of hours before he fell asleep and for me, I was fighting with every ounce of my body to stay awake until he did. I’m counting my blessings. His smiles were huge, he mostly listened, and he even did activities with me. We grow, we learn, and we love, that’s the easy part. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
RSS Feed