I never want to walk out my door again part two. The morning started off fine. Owen slept all night in his bed. That in itself was a reason to celebrate. Saturdays are our fun days but sometimes routine gets us all out of order. He started yelling “go see grandma in a little bit” pretty much when the morning got started. And so in a little bit we were off to grandma’s house. He stayed there for a few hours and then we were off to the coffee shop and bowling. He did well with both of those places. He got to “drink his coffee” on the way to bowling. Our beloved coffee shop makes him a special smoothie that he calls his coffee. Once we got to the bowling alley he was so excited. He loves it so much. We still bowl together, me mostly throwing the ball for him but he’s come so far. He listened to instructions and I showed him how to carry the ball with his fingers in the proper holes and his other hand under the ball. I try to move his arm with mine to throw the ball. He even wanted to look at the scoreboard with me several times. On the way home that’s where the fun ended and the sadness began for me. The screaming and meltdowns are becoming epic. He wants to go certain ways and if I don’t go the way he wants he screams. He can’t tell me why he needs me to go certain ways but even when I try to go the way he wants the meltdowns still occur. My heart aches. When we got home he kept screaming at me and pulling my hair. All I kept thinking is that he is nine. I have to make him understand how to control his meltdowns. He has to learn to breathe through them, find a way to center himself. I tried to explain to him that we cannot go anywhere if he cannot control his anger and screaming. I sat on the couch crying most of the night. He kept asking me to go to church, “tomorrow we go to church”. I told him that if he screamed at me and if the roads upset him we could not go to church. I said we weren't going tomorrow because he can't handle it. He said, “sorry mommy” and hugged me. My heart ached even more. It’s hard not to take it all personally. It’s hard to move forward and know that he is trying to tell me something through those screams that I can’t even begin to understand. It’s hard not to feel so incredibly alone when his screams leave a whole hole in my heart. And my heart aches for my little boy that is trying so hard in these moments. I cried out to God more than once tonight to give me strength and wisdom to help him through this, to help me through this. He fell asleep in my arms and I laid there crying. I pray he sleeps through the night once again and that tomorrow will be that brand new day I dream about. All I keep thinking about is his joy when he was in that bowling alley, laying on the floor watching those pins at eye level. That’s the joy everyone should have in their lives. Find your joy and share it with the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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