My heart aches a lot today. I’ve made many accomplishments and I’ve laughed throughout the day with Owen, but I still am extremely sad. I walked past a picture that I have sitting in my kitchen. It made me even sadder. Owen wanted to go all day and I couldn’t make myself walk out our door. The emotional turmoil of that hurt as well. All he wants to do is go on a walk or to the store or bowling or anywhere but here and here we sit. He asked for church over and over today with everything else he asked for. It brings me back to the picture. The picture was of me at church, working one of the video cameras for the Sunday service. It’s one of those many things we take for granted in our daily lives. The couple of hours a month I spend behind that camera bring me incredible joy and I think about everything Owen asked for today, his joys. I tried not to be emotional all day. I tried to ignore my feelings and push through the day, but the grief of the simple things overwhelmed me. Social stories are a way that a lot of families will explain circumstances to their children, but for Owen, he doesn’t like the pictures or words. The school board called and before I could answer the phone it went to voicemail. I listened to the voicemail on speaker, but as soon as Owen heard the voice and what it was about he was screaming, then crying, and down he went into a ball on the floor. The tears are finally falling down my face. My heart breaks for all the families hurting. My heart breaks for people that feel alone right now. And my heart breaks for my sweet baby O that wanted to “call church”, but emotionally he can’t handle talking to anyone that he can’t see face to face. Tomorrow will be a better day I tell myself. I try not to think about all the screams from Owen that went straight to my heart. I told Owen I loved him as many times as I could during the day. I wanted to reassure him that mommy was here for him. The journey did not go according to plan but tomorrow I will try to focus on the smiles and less on the sadness. I remind myself positive words and positive actions equal a positive life. Keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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