Can you beg a month to come quicker, I keep wondering. I need August to hurry up and get here. This no routine thing is so hard and emotional for Owen. My eyes burn from the tears I want to cry and the sleep I didn’t have. He woke by two, asked for his tablet within minutes of getting into bed with me, and didn’t let me forget we were going to “church soon”. I told him that church didn’t open at two in the morning and he couldn’t have his tablet because it’s nighttime. Wonder when I’ll learn that he can have his tablet anytime he wants because I would get more sleep. I never imagined there would be so many rules I had to follow and that cannot be broken. That's the even harder part, they can't be bent or broken until they can be bent or broken. My glasses being on my face have always been something that couldn’t change. I had to wear them. I can’t even think of all the hours upon hours of meltdowns over my appearance. From glasses to outfits, to my hair being pulled up and not even in a ponytail, literally me lifting it off my neck with my hand, to what clothes I was wearing, and food I was eating. On to the floor, he would go screaming, flipping around over me moving my hair or anything else I would do that changed my appearance. I had to be picture-perfect the way he needed to process me. Another sip of coffee to get through that. He hasn’t seen my hair completely wet in years. I’ve been trying to show him my hair being wet a little at a time but it’s still hard for him. But he now asks me about my glasses and I think maybe he understands more since he wears them. He says to me “take your glasses on” pointing to them. Then I have to show him on and off. This has been years in the making and so incredibly hard for him to understand. That’s big progress for you. I truly check off those considerably tiny milestones and know that they are actually huge victories because I know how long it has taken him to get this far. He didn’t scream on the way to church and all the way home. I’ve found that one of the ways to prevent meltdowns is to annoy him with my glorious singing. As soon as my voice has any tone that may be classified as bad singing he belts out “the wheels on the bus” and will repeat it until I stop. I have to laugh that he thinks my singing is that great. We sat a lot today and he asked me about every five minutes if he was going to the park tomorrow with his friend, if he was going to therapy, wanted to see his grandma, and when he was going to see his teacher. I breathe. When I told him it was bedtime he said, “three minutes ten more minutes one minutes ten two more minutes five minutes” and this went on. We are working on time. It’s exhausting staying ahead of his amazing mind and awake when I really want to be asleep but I’m thankful he had a calm day and something to look forward to tomorrow. Never give up on the miracle yet to come. I talk with my miracle every day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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