The overwhelming fear of my son running across the parking lot gets me every time we go someplace. I try to hold his hand, but I also try to give him freedom. He has no fear, I have it all. I want him to be able to explore the world, but he runs after his dreams, not looking at the where he is ever going. Stairs are my next fear. When he is paying attention he does amazing on them, but one motion, one noise, one moment in time and I’m holding on to him for dear life. I sit with a thousand emotions daily in my soul, pounding moments of memories into my thoughts. He’s come so far, but every day I have to stop the hamster wheel putting those memories back in my brain. Today he woke extremely happy, in a great mood even after getting out of bed, turning on the lights without me asking him to, and only screaming once, correcting himself as he did it, “no screaming”. He slept most of the night, waking close to five, getting in bed with me, and falling back to sleep for about another hour. I was thankful for his calm this morning. His emotions wear on me. For a thousand reasons. It hurts that it’s so hard on him. In the last week, he’s cried himself to sleep many times. He can’t express what’s wrong. All I can do is offer my love and support, telling him it will be fine and holding him when he will let me. Oh, how I wish he could tell me his feelings. This momma heart of mine tries to hide from the pain and remember his smiles throughout the day. In the still of the night, when he falls asleep, I try to reflect on his smile, his beautiful, expressive smile. He captives me with it, lighting up the world as he goes through his day. Life can be overwhelming, but look for the rays of sunshine. Know that you are not alone and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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