I’m sad. Beyond sad really. You’re be-bopping along and things go backwards. How can we go months with great success in potty training and then in one day we go back to the beginning. He’s still learning what his body does, but there is nothing that prepares you for your child fecal smearing. There is this desolate feeling when you can’t imagine why it is happening and how to change it. And I can’t spin the emotional wheel of Russian roulette, letting them all come out; I have to stay focused, try to make Owen understand what to do, and keep moving forward. I have to think about Owen’s strengths and all that he is accomplishing. I have to keep his smile in my gaze. I couldn’t believe he slept all night in his bed. I rejoice those moments. Not that I slept all night in my bed, but at least I slept some. I tried to do some laundry yesterday. Every time I would move a pile he would scream “it making de noise” and put it back into the hamper. He wanted me to sit, watching him. He didn’t really want me to play with him, but he wanted to sit next to me. He did want to paint, but I think it was more so he could take a bath. I found a new toy that creates a shower like effect for him in the tub since he is scared of the actual shower. One step at a time I tell myself. Hoping that by giving him these types of toys it will comfort his anxiety for the actual shower. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. My emotions feel like a knife cutting me over and over again in the same spot, hoping for calm to wash over me. In all of this, I see my sweet baby O as happy. I know that we both have to grow and experience life. We are a team and today we become stronger. Find your strength, know that your story is important, and focus on your future. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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