Owen came to my bed well after three. I think he was more asleep than awake but here he was. He got into bed with me but would not move over me. As it is I already sleep on the edge of my bed, always have, and then he wanted to sleep between me and the edge. I told him I couldn’t hold him. Long gone are the days that I can hold him and especially when he is right on the edge of the bed. He is solid as a rock now. He started to finally move but then he was laying across me. I told him he had to keep going. He finally made it to the other side of me and slept for another four hours. He even slept through me getting up. On the other side of the bed, I have a bed rail to prevent him from falling off that direction. To say the day was emotional is probably the biggest understatement I can make. This week has been hard. I keep telling myself to jump over the hurdles and get to the other side. But that’s been hard. Every single thing is something right now. I never childproofed my house because I never had to childproof my house. Now he wants the lights off or some of the doors a certain way, the locks turned the direction he needs them to be and the list goes on and on. I’ve added extra locks and tried to talk to him about the lights but everything is getting harder for him unless it is exactly like he wants it. After he woke I told him he was going to see his grandma. He was beyond ready immediately. He wanted to clarify that I was going to leave. He needs to know all the steps and he is very concerned that we are going on a trip again. I dropped him off and went to my appointment. When I picked him up later he was calm but still had an edge about him. We had to stop at our house before we went to his therapy. I told him all the steps so he would understand. Thankfully he did fine. After his therapy, we were dropping some donations off at our church. I wasn’t sure how this would go for him but I told him exactly what was going to happen. He had a great therapy session and then we were off to church. All his therapists had on blue pants today and that made him happy. I told him once we got to church we could go inside and ride the elevator if he wanted or we would drop it off and go get his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger. As soon as we got there I took the stuff out and put it on the curb. Our church friend came out and was not wearing blue pants. I had Owen’s door open but he was still belted in. He immediately told her she had to leave because she wasn’t wearing blue pants and then he started crying. I wanted to cry with him. I wish someone had answers. He’s stuck in a cycle and I don’t know how to get him out of it. As soon as we drove off he was back to being interested in his tablet and the food we were going to get. When we got home he was happy as a lark. He said multiple times for the rest of the night that “Friday be with mommy.” He is not interested in going anywhere. I told him we could even go to the pool but I think he is too afraid we will be on a long trip again. This is the problem with anything out of routine. I never know when it is going to cause the ripple effect that could last for years. He still flips on the light switch by the front door and says “power’s on.” This is a result of our power being off for over twelve hours one day because someone hit a telephone pole and it happened years ago. Thankfully he was ready for bed and was out as soon as his head was on the pillow. Tomorrow I pray that I can find the right words for him to move on from the blue pants. I pray and I pray and I pray for him to find calm in his mind with this. His laughter was loud and vibrant today, echoing through the house and bringing happiness to my heart that I sure needed. If staying home tomorrow will bring that sound again that’s what we’ll do. Our life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Find your happiness and know that you can move mountains if you believe in yourself. Another one I need to remember. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart.