I have to mentally prepare myself at four in the morning to go to the bathroom. It could be midnight or it could be four in the afternoon too. But it’s those middle of the night ones that get me the most. I might need a cup of coffee to get through this moment without tears. I never know when Owen is going to be mad because I’m going to the bathroom. I never know when he is going to scream on the other side of the door, barge in, or maybe he will sleep through it. The screams echo through the footsteps in my mind. This is my sweet baby O, my little boy, and he can’t process that I have to go to the bathroom when he doesn’t want me to. It’s not all the time and now it doesn’t happen like it did even a year ago, but I’m still trapped in those emotions because it still randomly happens. He hadn’t done it in quite some time and then here I was with him screaming at me again a few days ago. The emotions washed over me and now every time I go to the bathroom I wait for him to scream again. I have to push through all of it. There’s a sadness that can sit on my heart. It’s hard not getting replies from Owen when I ask him a question. And it’s hard asking him to answer when I know he’s going to scream. But we have to keep moving forward. He can’t count to ten with his fingers. I go through spurts where I try to help him move his fingers through each number up to ten. He’s closer now than he has ever been and we have been working on this skill for years. I felt a victory today though when he was on the swing at his grandma’s house and he said, “two more minutes”, his go-to phrase for everything. At that moment he started moving his hand, trying to show two fingers. He’ll do this occasionally and it always brings a smile to my face, knowing we are on the right path. A few moments ago I said, “can I see you smile”. He said, “no watch a video”. He took my hand and wanted me to watch a “ViB-oh videE-oh” with him of Peekaboo Barn. He was all smiles now and had been practicing how to say the word “video” very excited to get it right. He informed me it was “13 o'clock” and then said, “no it's 100 o'clock”. We have been working on telling time since he is so fascinated with cuckoo clocks now. And with that, I pushed through more of the sadness I’ve felt today. When I see his smile and I hear his words I can tell we are making progress. Today is one moment in time. Don’t let yesterday control how your tomorrow will be. Find your smile, celebrate your victories, and walk with your head held high. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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