We walked to the bus stop. It felt like the longest walk after the longest night. It could also be said it was the shortest walk after the shortest of sleep for the night. The sleep train has got to come for us again soon. It has to. Owen was almost asleep in my arms last night only to have him jump up asking for all the bedtime rituals we do every night that we had already done. This happens a lot. He gets something on his mind and sleep turns into these moments of concern. I try to find the perfect routine for us, the one that will keep my baby sleeping in his bed, all night. I have yet to find a solution. His anxiety seems to be higher lately and his need for routine greater. How can I provide the perfect daily routine when in life nothing is routine. Sadness washes over me and I try to wash it away. The lights, darkness, sound, and vibrations all play a role in Owen’s day. He walks up to our coat closet door. He then outstretches his hands lightly touching the wall. It’s like his fingers are doing an intricate dance on the wall as he moves them back and forth. He walks away slowly, backwards, as he moves from the wall. He will return and this dance will happen again and again throughout the night. There’s another corner in our house that he stands with his nose almost touching the wall. He will cover his one eye with his hand but his fingers will be spread apart. He makes his excited EEEEE sound as he moves his head back and forth, generally moving from one foot to the next. It’s like he is capturing a snapshot of the shadows as they move across the wall. He does this with a lot of things. He holds books close to his face moving them back and forth or covers the book partially with his shirt moving it around to hide parts of the cover. He delights in these moments. He loves the shadows, he loves the textures of our walls. Sounds and vibrations are a completely different potluck of sensory exploration for him. He can handle the loudest of noises, but the sound a light can make him stop in his tracks. We go bowling every Saturday. I didn’t know how he would handle the lights and the sounds, but he handles them beautifully. Every so often he will put his hands to his ears or even his eyes, but in general he hardly even shows me that he is concerned about them. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. I grow, I learn, I love and tell him that we are a team. Find your happiness, share your joy, and let the world see you smile. You never know who might need the inspiration. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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