You Are My Wednesday

We go in sleep spurts. Right now Owen is waking up every night around three and getting in bed with me. Luckily he is quickly going back to sleep, but it still throws the whole cycle of sleep off. I used to not require sleep, not really even wanting it, but now all I want is a full night’s sleep. Just one would be amazing. When I woke for the morning I wanted to stay in bed as long as possible, because I had a feeling the morning might be rough. It was. He didn’t want the lights on at all. The screaming started as soon as I turned the light on. He came running from the bedroom, turned the light off, and kept screaming. “Turn de light offT”, he kept yelled. He stood there and I tried to calm him. Most days he runs to his tablet, wanting to play as soon as he wakes, but today he couldn’t settle. I sat down, picking him up, while he was screaming. I told him I loved him and that everything was okay. I started doing compressions on him and holding him in a ball close to me. After a few minutes, a calm washed over him. I could see his expression change and his body become flexible again. So many days my baby wakes up in a rigid state of both mood and body. It’s hard for him to calm down and move forward. Anything and everything can set him off and in motion to a meltdown. The hardest thing for me is to calm my own emotions and not want to scream back. Or cry. This is my baby. This is my world. And I’m faced with unknown emotions every day, from both of us. I try to keep him calm, but I have to keep myself calm first. Some days I can’t think about anything else besides when the next scream is going to happen, even if it is a happy scream. My body, my emotions, my mind, all wait for that scream to come because I know it will. He doesn’t hit, bite, or pull my hair as much as he used to, but it still happens and I still wait for it. You have to be rigid and stern, yet caring and concerned. And breathe. Tears swell in my eyes thinking about everything that my sweet baby O goes through. I remind myself, one day at a time and look how far we’ve come. He’s growing and learning, and so am I. Through the rain, the sun will shine. Sadness falls, but there will be smiles again. Don’t let sadness take away the smiles of your days. Find your smile and let your world shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!