Today feels a little sad. It’s my first birthday without my brother. All of these firsts hurt. I’m sure all of the seconds won’t feel much better but today hurts. We really didn’t spend a lot of our holidays or birthdays together but I keep waiting for him to call. Owen woke up sometime in the middle of the night. I pretty much lost track of the time. He didn’t go back to sleep. He came to tell me he was getting his tablet and I was to sit and he was going to the blue bed. He kinda did and I stayed in bed. I told him last night that today was my birthday. I said that when it’s someone’s birthday you say happy birthday to them. I explained when we got up he can tell me “good morning happy birthday”. So when we woke up I asked him if he remembered what today was. He said, “Wednesday”. I said, “do you remember what else today is?” He said, “it’s your birthday good morning mommy I appreciate you happy birthday tablet please”. He combined everything he could in there and I’m beyond thrilled that he is putting the conversation skills together. I want him to understand emotions, feelings, and respect for others. In the long run, he will get to decide when he wants to say happy birthday or good morning to someone but if he never knows he is supposed to do it then he will never understand the process so I’m thrilled with his progress. We both wore our camo pants. We successfully got to the bus stop in our non-blue pants once again. He wasn’t quite as upset about it today and I was able to distract him even though he talked about it numerous times. I asked him to sing Humpty Dumpty in German this morning when we got to the bus stop. The excitement washed over his face. He was so happy. He stood there singing it for me and the bus turned the corner as he asked me to ask Siri some phrases in German. I was thankful it was a smoother day for him. When I picked him up from school today he was happy and his teacher said they hadn’t talked about blue pants nearly as much today as they have been so we are continuing the trend and he wants to wear “tan pants and mommy wear floral pants tomorrow tomorrow”. He ate from the minute he came home until the minute he went to bed it seems. He mostly listened, mostly behaved, and mostly did things that I asked him to do. This all makes this mommy happy. I’m thankful for his smile and his attitude. Growing Owen that’s what we do. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Find your inspiration, go after your happiness, and know that you matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Any and every break is hard on Owen. Anything different than routine. Anything at all. So we’ve been up since three in the morning when the blue bed and the white bed couldn’t contain us any longer and the tablet was the only go-to he wanted. He was calm except for the screaming. I’m not sure why he likes to hear his voice so loud but maybe it drowns out the echoes of the world. And most of the time it is happy squealing. I do not know where he is putting it but he had five waffles, grilled cheese, cereal, veggie straws, milk, and water, and then requested “two waffles please” all by ten o’clock in the morning. I guess when you’ve been up since three you are hungry. Food and shapes were the most talked about subjects all day. He was very disappointed I didn’t take him to the dentist. He kept saying “dentist next time”. I might have to see when his next appointment is because he wants to go. He told me his “teeth are triangles and rectangles” and he might have “square teeth”. I think he has thought this through. He was standing at the table drinking and he started moving. I said you need to go potty. He took off to the bathroom and then he stopped. He turned to me and said, “pee pee people potty dance” and took off running to the bathroom again. We’ve discussed the potty dance a time or twenty. Our shape trend continued and he asked for veggie straws and then he wanted them in a triangle shape and round veggie chips. He loves the triangle puff ones but he mushes them up and they go everywhere. I was folding some clothes and he was sitting at the table eating. Within seconds he ran to the bathroom. I gave him a head start and by the time I walked to him he was “swimming in the toilet”. He did this so many times when he was younger and then it stopped. Now he has done it numerous times over the last couple of months and I’m ready for it to swim on out of here again. I took his tablet away for the rest of the night and we played games and read. He started falling asleep in his body sock but I knew it would be hard to get him out of it. He was not having any of it. He wanted to stay in it. He fell asleep and it took me a lot of tries to get him out of it. I couldn’t leave him in it because I was afraid he would forget it covered him completely. When he is awake he can easily get out of the huge slit but I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to with sleeping. Thankfully he went right back to sleep. I’m thankful for the rays of sunshine even though I know today was hard for Owen. Let the sunshine guide your day and know that you can do amazing things. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I wish I could super-size my bladder or remember that I can’t drink anything late anymore. Owen woke as soon as I got up to go to the bathroom. He immediately got in my bed and went right back to sleep after yelling about me not being in bed for a few minutes and thankfully slept the rest of the night. The rollercoaster ride was just getting started for the day though. He wanted me to sit and also wanted me to get him milk and cereal. He was listening to the Disney channel in German on his tablet. He kept running to me to look up different videos talking to me in the German he was watching but I continued to tell him that I understand very few words in German. Yesterday we picked out clothes for both of us to wear for today. I did this with him because I wanted him to feel like he had a choice. He knew we were wearing different clothes but the actual follow-through was harder than expected. He really wanted me to change and he wanted to change to blue pants. I told him we didn’t have time and we had to get to the bus stop. My heart aches and my wheels spin wondering how many ways I can overthink these steps. I need him to understand we have to wear other things, we have to turn right sometimes when he wants to go left, we have to turn lights on even when we don’t want to, and the list goes on and on and on. And truly it should be fine if he wears blue pants every single day but the problem is when someone else doesn’t and that causes him to cry for hours or try to pull their pants off while screaming and having a meltdown. My heart aches. I let his teacher know he was struggling with it but she is so amazing with him I knew it would be ok. Today was their field day and his teacher said he did great. And devoured the pizza they had. This didn’t surprise me with my eating machine. She also told me he had good manners and that makes this momma happy. We talk about being nice to people and respecting their emotions. When he came home on the bus it didn’t go according to plan. He was not happy, wanting me to not wear black pants and instead to be in blue pedal pushers which I never wear. I am not sure why he now wanted me in pedal pushers. I got him inside and the request for pedal pushers continued. I held his hands to get him to breathe and somehow we started singing London Bridges and then If You’re Happy And You Know It. He went to get me blue pants, throwing them at my feet, and trying to pull my pants off by tugging at the cuff. I told him I would change into my house clothes unless he wanted to go someplace. He started eating his veggie straws and chocolate milk. He then gave me a huge hug and said, “I love you”. I can only imagine what he went through with all of his emotions. I am thankful for his hug and words. It means he was processing a lot of this. I always explain to him that we are a team and we have to work together through these emotions. He had a pretty calm evening, eating all of his dinner, and multiple snacks. He got ready for bed without a struggle and then lost a tooth as soon as he went to bed. He was very excited because he thinks he will get to go to the dentist tomorrow so they “can look in the mirror she count you teeth”. He loves going to all of his doctors. I always try to make him understand they are here to help us and that they do amazing things for us. He fell asleep telling me he was going to see his dentist and he was “coming to the white bed in the morning with tablet so he could go to the blue bed”. We shall see how the morning goes but he has a plan. Thankful for his words and that he was calm when he lost his tooth. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept all night. If I didn’t have to go to the bathroom he might have slept until after six but I’ll take it. But he did slept all night and he was calm when he woke. That makes for a great day. He was highly concerned with what everyone was wearing before we were even ready to think about getting ready for church but we successfully did not wear blue pants to church. On the flip side of this, he can get very upset when someone doesn’t wear blue pants. It’s emotional to me knowing that he is so obsessed with people wearing blue pants that he can crumble and cry over this or go into a huge meltdown that can last for hours. I am trying to get him to understand that other people get to make their choices of what they want to wear. I’m hoping by making us wear different colors besides blue that this will help him process it. I have a week’s worth of different color pants for him. He requested yellow, green, and purple pants but I’m going to see how this week goes first and then go from there. We came home a little different way because he requested to see the windows. We had gotten his cheeseburger and nuggets and he was still calm so I decided I would see how he did with them, hoping they wouldn’t make him scream. We had to go over the bridge that used to cause hours and hours and hours of meltdowns. He said, “it’s a thump” when we went over the bridge. Then he said, but “not a bump today”. I think he is processing it differently now and the noise and vibration from the bridge aren’t upsetting him as much and thankfully no screams or meltdowns from the bridge or windows. I’ve shed many a tear today and each one carries a special person’s name as it fell down my cheek. The journey to Mother’s Day was not quick for me. I waited my whole life to be Owen’s mommy. I wanted kids before I can even remember. And I’m thankful for God’s gift of my son. I thought about those that are gone and I thought about this being my mom’s first Mother’s Day without her boy, my brother. Sorrow washed over me more times than I can count but I stayed strong and I prayed for calm. Owen had a pretty good day and because of that, I had a really great day. And the boy ate double the amount of food he normally does. I’d say he is growing. Our life isn’t always easy to explain but the love sure is. I am thankful for my sweet baby O and all that he has given me. Share your story and know that you matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The four o’clock party train left the building. I have to say it’s better than two in the morning though. Thankfully Owen woke in a good mood. He was ready to get his day started but I told him to put on the brakes. I wanted him to go back to sleep but I knew that wouldn’t happen. I said he could have his tablet but he needed to go back to bed. He came to me about every twenty minutes or so but at least he was kind of listening and I was kinda getting some more sleep. Before even really got out of bed he was telling me what I would be wearing, what he was wearing, and what my mom would be wearing. I got him to focus on other things. Well, I got him to focus on other things for a moment. He was going to “grandma’s” house and nothing else mattered besides eating and eating a lot, plus blue pants. As soon as I got up the food request came in. He ate every bit of his first breakfast and he wanted more. I put another waffle in the toaster and when I put it on his plate he said, “two waffles please”. I told him if he ate the one plus the extra cereal he requested I would be happy to make him another one. He said, “five waffles please”. He didn’t have five more waffles but he finished second breakfast and before he requested more we were off to grandma’s house. We made grandma a few presents for Mother’s Day and we took them to her today since I knew we wouldn’t see her tomorrow. We rehearsed saying “Happy Mother’s Day” on the way there. When we got there he said, “good morning grandma I appreciate you happy mother’s today”. I loved how he combined what he told his teacher with his greeting and said, “today”. He struggled with behaviors when I went to pick him back up. Transitions are getting harder for him but thankfully once he got in the car he was much better. The night was full of more eating. He ate all of his fish and sage dressing. I’m thankful he is a great eater. I have to constantly make sure he is still trying new things because it can change so quickly on him not liking something. Bedtime was another rollercoaster ride but a quicker one. He didn’t want to get ready for bed and I even started it later. The good news is he fell asleep quicker than he does most nights so it was actually earlier even though we started later. He’s ready for church and blue pants tomorrow but I’m going to attempt to get him to wear other colors so we shall see how that goes. I’m thankful for his growth and the inspiration he gives me. Follow your heart, sing your song out loud, and know that you can make a difference. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The morning seemed chaotic with a side of calm. I told Owen last night that he would not have his tablet this morning because of his behavior. He screamed at me when I told him it was bedtime. Then he ripped the tablet out of my hand and ran to the couch but he was supposed to be getting ready for his bath. It went round and round. And more behaviors once he got in bed. I’m trying to make him understand that his actions and reactions have consequences. It’s hard for me to follow through on these behavioral problems with any type of discipline because he doesn’t always understand the follow-through when it happens hours later. He slept all night if you consider after four o’clock in the morning all night long. He came to the “white bed” to tell me that he was taking his “tablet to the blue bed”. I told him no he couldn’t. He could read books. He told me he was going to turn the tv on. I once again said no. By this time I was awake enough to know I didn’t want to be awake. I told him once again to take some of his books to his room and read. He ran off and I went to the bathroom. I heard him reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar in his bed. When I came back to my bed he followed me and told me he was getting his tablet again. I told him that he was not going to have his tablet before school and we could read together. He ran to get one of his Curious George books and came to me. Before we got back to my bed he kept saying “it’s over here”. I had given him one of his new books to read and he was trying to find where it was. I wanted him to work through the conversation with me. I asked him to tell me what he was looking for and numerous other questions. He does not always know how to answer questions so this was hard for him but then he was able to tell me the name of the book he was looking for. I was very excited since it was one of his new ones. Plus it took a great amount of thought process for him to get to that point. He did amazing though and we had plenty of time still to read lots of books before school. We sat reading together, him occasionally interrupting the process to talk about our clothes. We made it through the morning and then he was off to school. When he came home from school he was calm. And hungry. He has been packing in the food lately. He had come to ask me a question and I could tell he needed to go to the bathroom. I told him to go and I would keep his tablet. This generally gets him screaming but not this time. He ran off and came back to get his tablet. He had even partially washed his hands. The rest of the night went quickly and bedtime was calmer than last night. But still very, very, very exhausting. He screams about his head being stuck and wanting the blanket that he already has. I try to breathe with him through all of this. But truly I wanted to scream right there with him. I can only imagine what he is going through. My heart aches for my sweet baby O as he screams one more time for the blanket that is already there. Sleep finally came and I reflect on all the positive moments. I have to hold on to what moves us forward. His smile is the song in my heart. Love with all your heart and know you can make a difference in this world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I think my eyes closed about the same time I heard Owen round the corner last night. It wasn’t even midnight. Thankfully he went right back to sleep after announcing he was going “back to the blue bed“ even though he had just gotten into the white bed. When we woke for the day he was already concerned about what pants I would be wearing and especially my shoes. He went through every pair I owned and for some reason he does not like the pair that I like to wear. He never wants me to wear them. Off to school he went and his teacher let me know that he had told her the phrase we have been working on. I was very excited. I am constantly trying to get him to understand conversation skills and his follow-through with this was wonderful. For him to remember it and carry through was such an incredible journey. I explained what the word “appreciate” means and I hope that he will make the connection with the word to use it again. He went to therapy and he had a great time even though he was also stuck on the therapists’ clothing. When we got home he once again kept eating. He is my eating machine now. We had pizza for dinner. I asked him if he wanted more and he said, “this little pig went to market and then he was full”. I laughed so hard and was impressed by his connection and words. I never know what he will come up with. He is also very much my sensory kiddo. He stomps through the house, especially the areas where he wants to hear the noises. And then he backtracks so he can hear it again. He makes this grunting noise sometimes to go along with it. His feet beat on the ground and it makes the whole floor shake, and sometimes the walls, and sometimes the appliances, or cabinets, or fixtures, and he does it again and again. Bedtime did not come easily. He was worked up tonight and screamed a lot. He then started yelling about the blanket on his head that he put there. He finally calmed enough and he fell asleep. It makes me sad sometimes when he gets so upset and can’t process it all. I’m focusing on the progress today, I have to focus on the progress. Find your strength in the goals you set for your tomorrow. Know that you can make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Some days I wish I had an emotional support llama or sloth or zoo. There are days that feel completely exhausting before I even get out of bed. I was on pins and needles because I had to go to the bathroom. Owen was already in bed with me but he was in and out of sleep. Thankfully I got up, went to the bathroom, and was able to get back to bed before he woke up. I thought about going to sleep in his bed. When we woke for the day he was in a good mood. He wanted me to sit but this was nothing new. He also wanted milk and cereal. I told him that I had to get up to get him cereal. He didn’t eat any of it once I gave it to him though. He listened pretty well when we got ready to walk to the bus stop. I was wearing the wrong shoes according to him but we moved forward. He stood at the bus stop asking Siri all kinds of words in mostly Arabic. He loves asking her to say animals. He also asks her for animal sounds and laughs hysterically when she plays them. When he came home from school I asked him how his day was and I told him we needed to get the stuff ready for his teacher for Teacher Appreciation Week. I’m going to take it to her tomorrow. I had asked him what he wanted to give her and he said, “pizza popcorn potato chips pretzels puzzle” so we got all the letter P things and he helped me put them in the bag. We made a picture on a piece of paper and then we cut it into puzzle pieces, adding it to the bag. I want him to understand he gets to make these choices and we have to give with our hearts. When we give something to someone we want to try to give them things they will like so I was thrilled that he wanted to give her something with a letter theme. I saw such a thought process from him. My sweet baby O is growing because he didn’t stop eating until he went to bed. He fell asleep quicker than he did last night but he still had trouble and an attitude to go with it. One day at a time I remind myself. Tomorrow is “therapy therapy therapy” day so he was so happy as he fell asleep. I’m thankful for how far he has come and I can’t wait to watch him grow. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Follow your heart and watch your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I would love to say the day has been calm for me. Owen was calm or mostly calm but some days that means he tries to get away with pushing every one of my buttons and not listening at all. Plus, sometimes my emotions are sad. Grief still hangs on to my heart. The morning went ok but I’ve pretty much given up on the thought of him sleeping through the night. Oh, how I wish he could sleep again. He wanted me to wear my pink shoes. I wanted to make sure we got to the bus stop so I wore them. We got to the bus stop and he wanted to listen to Siri saying all the different words in all the languages. I wanted him to practice saying the phrase we were learning for him to say to his teacher. I hope that he told her “I appreciate you”. He was doing well with it. I’m thankful for his words and how far he has come. He was calm when he came home from school except for the screaming part. He really didn’t like my singing today. And he let me know it. I kept singing and told him that we don’t scream at people just because we don’t like their singing. Manners are something we work on and interactions. I talk to him about expressing his feelings and emotions. I make sure he understands that he is allowed to have his own feelings but he cannot discount someone else’s feelings either. I tell him all the time that our goal is to be nice to each other and screaming at someone is not being considerate of their feelings. He said, “sorry mommy” when I was not singing to his liking. Bedtime is where the rollercoaster got rolling and my tears followed. He couldn’t settle and he kept screaming at everything. He wanted to ignore it was bedtime. I told him if he didn’t go to sleep and he kept yelling at me he wouldn’t get to see his teacher tomorrow. I try not to think about it but the screaming always goes to my heart. This is my sweet baby O. It took over an hour for him to fall asleep. It hasn’t taken that long in a while. I pray he sleeps all night and we both wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. He had a full belly of shrimp when he went to bed so I hope that helps. I’m thankful for the story he read with me tonight and the smile in between the screams. Find your happiness, share your story, and make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Dealing with emotions is a pivotal point we can’t overlook in our everyday lives. Owen and I woke at the same time last night. He was coming to the “white bed” to sleep, I was heading to the bathroom, and we met in the kitchen. This was absolutely the worst timing that possibly could have happened for us. He needed me to be in bed and I had to get to the bathroom. I want to cry thinking about it. But I have to breathe. The older he gets the more we have to get ahead of his emotions. Hormones will eventually take over and he needs to learn how to process them. Meltdowns can happen instantly if he is exhausted and especially in the middle of the night. He started screaming at me. I had to go to the bathroom. I told him that I was going to the bathroom and it was still nighttime. He kept screaming. I told him to go get in my bed and I would be right there. I started to walk toward the bathroom and he pushed me. I turned so he hardly touched me but he was ready to go again. I told him, trying to snap him out of this moment, that I had to go to the bathroom. I started walking. He came toward me one more time. Before he got to me I said the magic words, his teacher’s name. At two o’clock in the morning, those are the most powerful words I could think of. I told him that if he did not let me go to the bathroom he would not get to see his teacher in the morning. I cannot even explain how wonderful it is to know how much he loves going to school because this moment in time needed a huge distraction. He instantly started repeating her name, he was more focused, and said, “gotta go potty”. I told him to get in my bed once again and I would be there in a moment. He went towards my room and I headed to the bathroom. He still screamed off and on the whole time I was in there but at least he was focused enough to get through these moments. Thankfully he fell right back asleep in my arms as soon as I got back to my bed. It took me a while to fall back asleep because I was processing it all. This is my sweet baby O. It’s so emotional. To know that me walking to the bathroom causes him stress is nerve-racking. When we woke this morning I got up and once again went to the bathroom. I told Owen to go to the bathroom too. I sat with him afterward and I talked to him about our actions and reactions. I wanted him to understand that I know the night was very hard for him but he has to remember to breathe when he is feeling upset. When he came home from school I went through this again with him. I stood with him explaining that we had to work together and that we have to be kind to each other. He leaned his head forward wanting me to kiss his forehead. When he does this I know he understands to some degree about his actions. He’s only ten but he will be a teenager before I know it and I need him to understand feelings and emotions are a big part of our reactions and actions. He was very calm all night and I was on my toes making sure it stayed that way. He fell asleep in my arms once again after the blanket being on his head was old news. He wanted to sing with me all afternoon and this makes this momma happy. I think his interactions were a reassurance for both of us. Every step forward is a step. Our life isn’t always easy to explain but the love sure is. Love with all your heart and know that you can change the world with your smile. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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