I finally convinced Owen to get into bed with me after midnight. It still took us forty-five minutes to fall asleep after that. The evening had been chaotic with him getting in and out of bed every fifteen minutes or so. He was ready to go to grandma’s house but not ready to go to grandma’s house last night. At least he slept until five. I thought for sure he would wake up when I went to the bathroom but thankfully he didn’t. I had a stern talk with my bladder but it reminded me it was my fault I drank so much before bedtime. When we woke Owen immediately started talking about his tablet and the blue bed. I knew it was early but there was no hope we were going back to bed. Once he made it clear he was going to the blue bed with his tablet I put a little wrench in it. I told him he couldn’t have his tablet until he went to the bathroom and we were sure going to talk about what we were having for breakfast. It never fails I ask if he is hungry or wants to wait and as soon as he says wait I know that when I sit down to drink my coffee he will want breakfast. He said he wanted waffles but I had other plans. I made him sausage pancakes. I am trying to teach him to eat them on the stick but he tries to eat the stick so I cut it off of them. He ate two of them, plus cereal, and then requested waffles. He pretty much was an eating machine. After a while, we got ready to go to grandma’s house. He was surprisingly calm and followed most of my directions. It wasn’t raining but as soon as we got close to the intersection that has invisible rain he started yelling that it was raining. I’m not sure why he gets so upset about the rain that isn’t there but I can’t think of a time he hasn’t yelled about the rain at that light going the direction we were going. When we head in the other direction he gets upset about the vibrations of the road but thankfully he is starting to be able to express his concerns when we go in that direction and then helps calm him. We got to grandma’s house and he immediately said, “mommy’s go bye bye”. He loves his time with grandma. I did some errands and then I went and picked us up some lunch. He did pretty well when I got there but didn’t want to eat his lunch and didn’t want us crossing our legs. When it was time to go he wouldn’t go straight to the car but instead ran around and did not listen. I told him he wouldn’t have his tablet in the car because of his behaviors and he still did great on the way home without it. I had told him we needed to go to the pharmacy drive-thru before we went home. When it was “our turn,” he told me I needed to “pay the man”. And then he asked him for French fries which was funny to me because he hardly ever wants to eat the French fries. The night went pretty smoothly. I let him stay up a little later, hoping he would fall asleep quickly. He talked himself right to sleep. I know he must have been exhausted. I know I sure am. We laughed a lot today and he smiled more. My blue pants were a concern like his and the rest of the world but I was able to distract him and I hope it is easier for him tomorrow. Set your goals and know that you can accomplish all things if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Today felt more like a typical Friday but with all the extra emotions mixed in. Seems like this has been happening a lot lately. Owen woke early, wanted his tablet, and that was that. “That’s stupendous you beat the clock”, he said. He was working on one of his apps and he was winning. He wanted to go to school but he didn’t want to get ready to go. He once again was very concerned about what pants I was wearing. And what he was going to wear. We got to the bus stop and he was excitedly asking Siri lots of questions in all the languages. The bus rounded the corner and he lit up. Off he went. When he came home he was very calm. He wanted what he wanted but he was calm. The night wore on and he started talking about going to grandma’s house. He knew he was going tomorrow and he was very adamant about not going tonight. The night went on forever because he was concerned about going tomorrow. He didn’t want to take a bath and he just wanted to go to bed. But sleep did not find him. I wonder how many times you can say grandma in an hour because whatever number that is add at least a thousand on top of it. Monday is his last day of school. I’m already sad about that. He will be going to summer school but it is only for a short amount of time. It’s so hard on him when his routine is changed. Sleep did not happen. I have a feeling it will be a very long night. I sat holding him trying to comfort him but then he wanted me to go to my bed. Friday nights are so incredibly hard. I pray for sleep for us both soon. His laughter is what gets me through my days. I’m thankful he has come so far and this is just one more hurdle we will push through. Never give up on your dreams. You are worthy and can do great things. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Sleep I think happened last night. Or at least more than most nights. Owen woke about three, came to me, and told me he was going to the blue bed, “get your tablet”, he said, and then promptly fell back asleep. Sometimes all the days blend together and it’s like when will real sleep happen again. He was excited about his favorite day. His teacher knows today is therapy day and I always pick him up but I wanted him to tell her. I’m trying to continue working with him through those communication skills. Even if he doesn’t tell her all the details I still want him to be able to remember he can talk to people about different topics. He was a little calmer this morning than most mornings lately. He still wanted me to sit and wear blue pants but he was focused on eating and playing a video game he hadn’t played in quite some time. Once it was time to go to the bus stop he was all about the languages. He has been focused mostly on asking for things in Arabic but he also branches out to the other languages as well. I try to give him a couple of extra minutes with me at the bus stop so that I can have more conversations with him. When I picked him up for therapy I discussed in more detail our appointment from the day before and our plan of action for the future. One day at a time I remind myself. His teacher is absolutely amazing. Owen has been struggling with emotions. His emotions, my emotions, other people’s emotions, everybody’s emotions. Anytime I show sadness, madness, gladness, and any other emotion besides strictly being happy it is hard for him to deal with. His teacher asked him about his appointment yesterday and at first, he said he was “happy”, this is always his standard answer but then she said were you really happy and he was able to tell her that he was sad, mad, and angry. I wish my sweet baby O could always be happy but that’s not how life goes. I’m glad he could express that to her and work through those emotions. I’m thankful that he has a huge team of support. When we got to his therapy I talked to his therapists about his appointment as well and they were all supportive and will help Owen to keep moving forward. His sessions went better today and he felt a little more prepared for the possibility that not everyone would be wearing “blue pants”. When we left he wanted “ten nuggets and a cheeseburger” and when we came home he ate all ten nuggets and most of his cheeseburger. Plus several snacks and part of my dinner. Bedtime came and he was ready for it. He wanted to wear his Spider-Man pajamas because “Spider-Man wears blue pants”. I tried to convince him to wear Batman but he wasn’t having it. Let the river stay calm. He wanted to hear Down This Road, the song written for us, and he fell asleep singing it for me. I’m thankful he had a better day and I’m thankful for all the support he has from our great team. Every day can be an ordinary day unless you add a little extra to it. Have an extraordinary day and make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Nothing breaks my heart more than having a sad sweet baby O. Not much sleep for what seems like day a million. But at least Owen was happy when he woke up. His sleep cycle is all off again. When we were getting ready for school I told him he was going to the doctor for his referral appointment. He was so happy. He loves going and immediately started talking about seeing his beloved doctor and that she would look in his ears. He always says the words in a voice similar to hers, mimicking the cadence in her voice. He does this with phrases and words that he associates with people, characters, or even videos he watches. I told him that he needed to let his teacher know that he was going to the doctor and I was going to pick him up. I rehearsed with him words to say and I sent a message to his teacher that I had told him to let her know. I want him to be able to feel how conversation works without having to stress over everything he has to say to someone. Being able to at least repeat phrases and words leads to him learning his own communication style. And having his teacher know that he had something to tell her helped initiate the conversation on her side. He was able to tell her who he was seeing, why he was going, and I was picking him up. He even added in the floor number he pushes in the elevator. This is part that shows how he is learning to communicate in his style and expressing his interest. He loves his doctor and he loves that he has to ride the elevator to see her. When I picked him up his teacher and I discussed his day and all his accomplishments. I love all the support and interaction he gets from the staff at his school. The cafeteria staff always tell him goodbye when they see him and so many other staff members as well. Leaving his school the repetitive behaviors started. He kept walking heavily and then stopping to backtrack his steps before moving forward. It was completely drawn out and he needed to complete certain cycles more than once. On the ride to the appointment he talked so excitedly about seeing his doctor but once we were in the room it was a different story. The nurse came in and he immediately took his shoes off so he could get weighed but then tried to put them on numerous times, over and over, getting a little more frantic each time he did it. She was able to get all the checks in and my boy is growing. I’m glad to see all the food he is eating is making a difference. He has always been small for his age but he eats a lot. Once the doctor came in I felt him unravel even more and my heart sank. He immediately started crying because she was not wearing blue pants. Together we tried our best to comfort him. And he calmed enough for us to quickly go through the steps and then we left. His doctor was going to call me later so we could discuss further actions. I’m thankful he has such a caring doctor. When we got home Owen was completely calm again. His doctor gave me time to get home and settled in. When she called we went through some next steps and we have referrals and follow-ups set in motion. We all want what’s best for Owen. All of this is coming right before summer which is already hard on him because he doesn’t have the routine of school. I’m thankful he will at least have summer school but it’s such a short amount of time in the grand scheme of it all. Nighttime fell and I prayed for calm for my sweet baby O. I will move mountains to try to find solutions for him. He fell asleep spelling words and talking about science. I’m thankful that tomorrow is a brand new day. Each day we learn, we love, we grow. Find your inspiration, dream big, and watch your world bloom. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen comes running around the corner, announcing he was getting into the “blue bed” when he was about to get in the “white bed”, then getting into the white bed, immediately getting back out, and informing me he is getting his tablet to take to the blue bed. This is clearly not how this works but there we were before three o’clock in the morning. I told him he could have his tablet if he went to his bed. I truly wanted to sleep. That was not going to happen. He was up for the rest of the night. Trying to get him back to sleep when he is clearly awake is virtually impossible. The morning seemed extremely slow. He was pretty calm though as long as I was sitting. He likes order and blue pants. He wanted to make sure we were both wearing the appropriate things to the bus stop and he wanted me to wear five different pairs of shoes when he came home. I try to explain to him that I can only wear one pair at a time but I think it is partly a way for him to have conversations with me. I got a new toilet installed today, hoping the quieter one would help with several bathroom behaviors we’ve been having. Plus the old one looked like it was stuck in time at a western salon and this made it even louder. Well, I don’t know that it has helped yet but it is nice to have one that I thought he couldn’t break quickly or get clogged, however, today is the day he decided to really learn how to use toilet paper. Or take toilet paper off the roll and put it in the toilet. It’s the fine line of letting him go to the bathroom himself but knowing truly I can’t let him go to the bathroom himself. But most of the time it’s not a problem. Luckily plunger to the rescue and back to new. He ate so much tonight. He ate chicken and his veggies and as soon as he ate all his chicken he asked for more “chicken waffles shrimp please” so I gave him some of my fish which quickly became his fish. I’m thankful for his appetite. He fell asleep quickly and I guess he might have been a little tired since he woke so early. Emotions get me some days. I’m still grieving the loss of my brother, probably always will. Owen doesn’t always understand my sadness and it’s hard to explain. I remind myself to keep pushing forward and I’m trying to find a new way to breathe again. Know that you are not alone. Your story is important and you matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Stress, challenges, and attitudes are all part of our day. But the greatest gift is when my sweet baby O is happy. His days don’t always go how he wants them, either of us wants them, but to see Owen’s smile and to hear his laugh are what pushes these moments forward and his happiness goes straight into my soul. When the chaos in our world causes him to have meltdowns over things I can’t even begin to control it is gut-wrenching to me. Every day I try to find ways to help him through these moments. Today felt like a victory in so many ways, with a side of exhaustion and excitement all mixed in. Owen woke in the middle of the night and came to my bed but thankfully he fell back asleep. When he woke the instructions for me to “sit” came before I could even stand. Wednesday we go to see his doctor for a referral to another therapist to see if they can help us with the “blue pants” protocol Owen wants the whole world to be under. When my baby cries because someone is not wearing the pants he thinks they should wear my heart feels like it has shattered into a million pieces. To the ends of the earth, I would travel to find help for him. When he came home from school he wanted a snack. I love that he eats a huge variety of foods. It’s important to me to continue to change it up with him because even though he has his favorite go-to foods it is imperative that he continues to try new foods for the textures, colors, and inconsistencies that foods can have. Having a go-to food is fine until that becomes the only food they want. He had his favorite veggie straws but we also had chips and guacamole as the day wore on. He took his glasses off and asked me for “orange glasses”. I was excited that he asked me for them. I thought for sure he would ask me for the blue but he didn’t. Out of the six colors I got there was only one color he didn’t want to wear for more than a minute. I will see how this goes tomorrow. He immediately asked for his Spider-Man onesie as well but I told him it was being washed. I didn’t want him to think that every time he came home he would have to put it on or get to put it on but I told him he could wear it to bed. I don’t want to set in a behavior with something like this. We had sensory play tonight with black olives. Not only is it important to have him eat different foods but it is also good to have him touch other foods as well. Textures, temperature, colors, and taste are all a big deal for him. When I was little I loved black olives but even more than eating them I loved to wear them on my fingertips. I put them on Owen’s fingers and it was great practice for him to count and also help me put them on him. Growth comes from the experiences we have. I am trying to keep giving him growing opportunities. He likes what he likes but we keep pushing forward. Yesterday is written in stone but tomorrow the possibilities are endless. Let yesterday go and tomorrow you will grow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I’m counting last night as sleeping all night for Owen. It was close to five o’clock in the morning so that seems about right. The rollercoaster ride of emotions today has been very rollercoastery. He has been both calm and chaotic all at the same time. He’s needed a lot of sensory input and his volume control and any device with a volume has been nonexistent. The screaming echoes through my mind. Some of the screams were squeals for help and others were pure delight. Add in the mad screams, the confused screams, and the ones to hear me say “stop screaming” were followed by more screams for every reason. He likes to scream. And scream a lot. The eating trend continued and he talked about food all day long. He requested cereal and waffles, his pretty standard breakfast. About an hour after he finished his first breakfast the request for the second go-round came in. I asked him if he wanted one waffle or two and he said, “one waffle and one waffle so two waffles pleas. I have to say I was pretty impressed by his words. He was very clingy all day and when I was attempting to get ready for church he was all over this. He needed to make sure my outfit was the approved blue pants. My mind spins. He knew “Owen wears blue pants” but he repeated it to me numerous times. Thankfully we got on our way and it was even a few minutes early. Driving into church he said, “wanna see the fish”. Our church is near Cabela’s and he used to love going to see the fish in their huge tanks. He says the same thing every week but today he added more to it. He went on, “Easter bunny wanna see the bunny” followed quickly with “how bout Santa no Santa today he went to the pole”. He doesn’t forget a thing. He saw both the Easter bunny and Santa there, as well. We turned towards church and he was back to talking about the deer that might be in the parking lot and the blue pants everyone should be wearing. The drive home was filled with more food talk and animals. He wanted to make sure I was going to get him a cheeseburger and ten chicken nuggets. I got him a cheeseburger and then regular nuggets and spicy nuggets for me. I only got to eat one of them. He ate the rest. As soon as he ate the last one he asked me for more chicken nuggets. He ate another ten chicken fingers I made for him. He ran off to play only to come back about thirty minutes later requesting more food. I’m thankful he is eating so much and can ask me for what he wants. The afternoon went from one extreme to the next with a “swimming in the toilet” adventure that I wish we wouldn’t have. The need for sensory input continued. He loved wearing his blue glasses today. I don’t know that it really helped him from asking about blue pants but it really made him happy about them. I will call his eye doctor to see what she thinks and if she has any suggestions. Dinner came and came again. Seriously do not know where the dude is putting it away. He requested more chicken so I made more chicken. Sometimes it’s easier to not rock the already rocking boat. He stood waiting for me to finish making his dinner and he was talking to Alexa. He asked Alexa how to say “I want buffalo wings please in Arabic” and he asked me for “chocolate milk please” through his megaphone. It was in German. And I didn’t even know he knew about buffalo wings. He fell asleep quickly after what seemed like a very active day. I’m thankful he is growing and learning and loving. The dream of tomorrow can be the reality of your days. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Besides being exhausted beyond belief today was a pretty good day. Owen was awake by one o’clock in the morning. I told him he had a choice. He could go back to bed or he could have his tablet. But if he chose his tablet that he wouldn’t go see grandma today. I kept telling him it was his choice. Secretly I was hoping he would choose his tablet because he wasn’t going to grandma’s house since she had other plans but at one o’clock in the morning, I didn’t want him dwelling on it. I knew he would be upset when he wasn’t going to see her but I was hoping that our tiredness would be the excuse and not that it was already what was happening. By seven in the morning, one of us drank a lot of coffee and one of us ate a lot of food. We had a busy day for not leaving the house. I showed him the Spider-Man onesie I ordered him. He always tells his dentist he has Spider-Man teeth and he loves watching videos of people acting like Spider-Man. As soon as he saw it he said “put it on” and I helped him zip it up. He really didn’t want to wear the hood but he loved the onesie. I thought he might like it because he loves blankets and his body sock. He went to the bathroom numerous times and took off the onesie by himself. He needed help getting it back on and came to me numerous times trying to get it back on. I am counting that as a huge success. I’m trying to find ways that I can help him through needing to see the world in blue pants I ordered blue lens colored glasses. He immediately took to them as well, quickly giving me his glasses in exchange for the blue ones. He ran to the refrigerator to look at himself in the reflection of the silver door, lifting them up and down on his face. He then ran to the bathroom to do the same thing. He took off to the couch, sitting there looking at his tablet through the blue lenses. This isn’t a fix for him wanting everyone in blue pants but if it can help detour the tears and his emotions until I can help him through this I’m all for it. He wore them off and on throughout the day. If he wants to wear them tomorrow I will call his eye doctor to make sure this won’t be a problem for his eyes. And as time goes on maybe we can get a clip with blue shading for his regular glasses if it really helps. He was playing with his tablet watching an alphabet video and he showed me the screen with a letter and a saw ladybug. I thought it was an L for ladybug but he corrected me by saying, “I for insects”. It was an uppercase I but I thought it was a lowercase L. I always am amazed when he talks to me about what he sees. He ate all day it seems and we had tortellini for lunch. I thought I would see if he liked it but figured I would be eating it for my lunch. He loved it. I only ate a couple of them and he ate the rest. He even ate the spinach and peppers that were mixed in. It was a huge victory for vegetables. My sweet baby O was thinking through everything. He said, “go to church” always talking about the days ahead in his routine, and I said, “tomorrow if you sleep tonight”. He said, “grandma Saturday”. And I said, “why didn’t you see grandma today?” He said, “made a choice”. He kept saying “made a choice made a choice”. I love that he is thinking that through what I told him about us making choices. And I’m glad I thought of it at one o’clock in the morning to say he could do one or the other knowing there was no way he was going back to sleep. As long as the day was it was a great day to see the blue world at its finest. I’m thankful for so many positive moments in our very exhausting day. The mission of the day is finding the journey that works for you. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen slept. He slept all night. But he didn’t exactly wake up in a good mood though. He warmed up as the morning went on but he wanted me to sit. The cool thing though he wanted to sit with me. I think partly he wanted to make sure I was going to wear blue pants. I reassured him, and then reassured him, and then reassured him again, plus we talked about it some more, and then we talked about it some more after that. We moved on to shoes. He wanted me to wear my pink shoes and brown boots. I told him I couldn’t wear both at the same time. He decided he wanted me to wear brown boots in the morning and pink shoes in the afternoon. My heart aches that my shoe choice, my pant choice, and all my choices can upset him so quickly to where it’s a meltdown. I wanted to not wear blue pants to see if we could keep pushing forward but I also wanted him to have a good day. I want to cry a little more. He told me he wanted “black tied your shoes”. I showed him a pair of black sneakers that tied and he said, “no” so I’m not sure what he will do if we try them. He could not handle shoes that tied for years. Anytime the shoelace would come untied or wasn’t the same length he got really upset. I tried slip-ons and those were off in two seconds but he also had a problem with Velcro for a while. He needed the velcro to line up perfectly. When he was sitting with me my alarm set on Alexa went off. He always says Alexa but he pronounces it with a K sound. I got him to say Alexa this morning and he was able to tell her to stop. He was watching his tablet and it was in German. I asked Alexa to play different songs in German and Owen was so happy. We also played some in other languages. We got ready for walking to the school bus and he did great. We talked about clothes a lot and he even said, “we’re done talking about clothes” but we weren’t. When he came home from school he was calm and the night went pretty quickly, until bedtime, and then he wasn’t as happy but fell asleep pretty quickly. Finding strength to look past expectations of the day ahead is sometimes the hardest thing I have to do. I always say autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. I’m thankful for his smile and his amazing gift to make me smile right back. We go next week for a referral for someone else to talk to us about his behaviors so hopefully more ways to try to help him. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I cling to the hope of tomorrow and the reflections of today. Standing at the bus stop this morning Owen told me a story. “That’s a garden,” he said looking at the grass. I said, “what’s in the garden?” He said, “grass.” I asked him what else grows in the garden and he said, “food so you can eat-um”. I asked if he could name something else and he said, “tomato.” I loved that we had a conversation. I absolutely love hearing his words. I waited years for these conversations. They still don’t always flow easily for him but every day he finds more ways to express himself. He sang again for me in French and German. Then he wanted to ask Siri for more words in Arabic. I’m still amazed at how many languages he knows. I wonder if he understands how many languages he comprehends or if he knows that they are all separate languages even though he asks Siri about each of them. The bus came around the corner and he was so happy to be going. I thought the morning had gone well. We discussed the night before what we would be wearing, he even told me to wear floral pants instead of the grey ones I was going to wear but this week has been way too much for my baby. Monday they had a field day with school, Tuesday was a holiday, the security of us wearing blue pants has changed all week, and then today one of his therapists wasn’t going to be there and I told him before he went in. It was all too much for him. He was crying with his last therapist because no one had blue pants on and he wanted me. My heart breaks and aches for how hard this is for him. Once he got in the car he was a little calmer and I stood talking to his therapist for a few minutes. We are all on the same page. It’s not a behavior that he is doing to get or seek attention. It truly is an emotional connection. We have been through so many of these phases, cycling in and out of them. I can’t even think how many have gone away only to resurface at different times. The hours of meltdowns he would have because I would touch my hair pulling it to the side of my head. Or taking my glasses off. My hair being wet. The door being opened, closed, or not knocked. The list, the list goes on and on. And my heart breaks a little more. It’s not easy to move someone forward from an obsessive behavior. It’s a constant forward motion that gets pushed back or at the drop of a hat or if I wear a hat. It is huge victories when he lets me wear a hat and no meltdown happens. But as I know all too well the meltdowns swirl in his mind until, like today, it’s all too much and builds up. Tomorrow we will wear blue pants. I want him to be happy but he still fell asleep talking about me wearing one pair of shoes to the bus stop and a different pair when I pick him up. And he doesn’t forget what we wore, ever. I breathe and I’m exhausted. I made a few calls today for more specialists to see, I’ll make more tomorrow. I have to get him more help before the behaviors keep consuming him. One day at a time I remind myself. Once we got home from therapy he had a great night. He ate twelve chicken fingers and asked for “more chicken please” and he ate eight more. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Let your life be inspired by the journey at hand. You can do incredible things if you set your mind to it. Smiles to all and donut daze!