Any and all noises are a noise that may or may not wake Owen. Today’s noise happened to come around two in the morning. Somehow I convinced the “tablet” screaming Owen to go back to sleep but he was in my bed. He’s like one of those super grip magnets that don’t let go. It’s been so long since he has fallen back asleep in my arms that I had almost forgotten about the Velcro grip he puts on me. His head somehow has to angle into my head at just the right spot. One of his hands always seems to find a way into my nose and the other one into my hair. His feet take on octopus moves and when I suggested that he could possibly use the pillow that I have right next to me he started screaming again so octopus feet it was. This lasted maybe an hour and then we were up for the day. He was very excited about his day ahead. Therapy, driving by the burger boy, dinner with grandma, grandma’s car, and her black computer topped the list of all the things he wanted today. We are working on ways that these behaviors are not repetitive and it’s still a work in progress for both of us. I wasn’t sure how he was going to handle the evening because, in the last few years, there have been very few times that we have been out past seven at night. After all, that is when he is ready for the bedtime process to begin. Tonight I did comedy at a local coffee shop so the evening was different. He had a good day though. Even though we were exhausted from being up early he found plenty of things to entertain us before we left for his therapy. I went to fix our snack and I heard his incredible laugh wafting through the house. He came running to me and he had found the cricket sound on the tablet ringtones. This was absolutely hilarious to him. I set it so it would be my text sound on his tablet but then he figured out how to FaceTime me. We have done it before but he was not impressed with it and immediately would turn it off. For a long time, he had problems with phone calls or video chats and occasionally still does. We got ready for his therapy and he couldn’t wait to get there. He did great with both therapists and he is making progress. We drove by the statues he likes to see and then we went home to eat a snack before meeting his grandma. He expressed that he couldn’t have done without the snack and dinner with grandma and gone straight to her house. He made it clear when we got to the restaurant and he ordered but then didn’t want any of it because he wanted to go to grandma’s house. He did great while he was there though. And then I did something for me. I hadn’t done comedy in years and I truly missed it. Standing there making people laugh is good for my soul and now that Owen is older I’m hoping I get to do it more. I realized you need air in your lungs to breathe and laughter in your heart to soar. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Find what brings you harmony and peace. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The wake-up time was a little early but once Owen got his tablet and told me he got his tablet, he let me pretend like I was going back to sleep. We had a full day ahead and I was exhausted before I even got up. Thankfully I had slept better last night but mentally I was drained from yesterday. He knew that we had a meeting with our advisor for the program he is on but he didn’t know that he was going to spend the day with our friend after our meeting. I didn’t want to tell him before he went to bed last night because I was afraid this would wake him early. When I told him he stood by the window looking out for both of them. I had to tell him to come eat his breakfast numerous times before he would even think about it. He was excited when our advisor got there but then he stood by the window and kept opening the curtain. This is hard for two reasons. The sun is blinding in the mornings when it reflects off the window and if the people outside do not do what he expects them to do this can quickly lead to a meltdown. He has certain rules for the area around our house but thankfully he was focused on our friend coming to take him out for the day so wasn’t as distracted by the people. When our meeting was over he told her goodbye and then stood at his post again waiting for our friend who wasn’t scheduled to arrive for at least another hour. When she got there we talked for a few minutes and then they left for their big adventure. She is helping Owen to learn more life skills and when they left they had several stops they were going to make. It is different for him when someone else takes him on these outings versus when I would take him. The mom voice doesn’t always get the same responses and teaching him how to do shopping or having patience at different places while waiting is always good when someone else can help be your support team. They also went to get Owen a haircut. I have always cut his hair so it was another great experience for him to be learning. After they finished their tasks and ate lunch they went to the “lie-berry” and read some books before they came home. He then sat with us talking about all the activities they did and what he had for lunch. He told me about the books he read at the library and then he played the harmonica for us. After she left we ate dinner and it was early to bed. Whenever I see that he wants to go lie down in his bed before it is bedtime I know it will be an early night. I’m thankful for how well he did today and he is looking forward to one of his favorite days of the week. I pray for sleep tonight for both of us. His smile, his laughter, and his story about his day are etched in my memory and I’m thankful. Find what makes you happy and go after your dreams. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Each day is a gift and today’s gift was Owen sleeping all night long. And I actually did too. How do we know something is a thing before it’s even a thing? My sweet baby O doesn’t forget a thing and because of this I never know when something he heard, saw, smelled, touched, or tasted will circle back around. It can be years before something, anything is a thing that causes him to be happy, upset, or any other emotion that he has connected to something in his past. He gets fixated on what is ahead repeating his words over and over, expecting responses from me or someone else instantly when he has spoken them. Exhaustion sets in when I try to ignore words screamed at my face after trying to distract him to keep him calm. My nerves seem to shake all on their own anymore. I’m never waiting for the other shoe to drop because they are constantly dropping. When I think something is no longer an issue it comes right back again. My heart aches for these moments and how hard it is on him. I wish I had all the answers. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. But I truly don’t always have the answers. We are working on new strategies to help him with his anxiousness about his days ahead. Each day is met with an itinerary of what is to happen in the future. It could be something he is going to do later in the day or even later in the week. The lights are all becoming a problem again. The only light he wants on all the time is the table lamp he has on his nightstand. When you live in an older home it seems like everything makes noise. These are all noises he drowns out by turning his tablet louder or screaming over them. I was thankful for a calm morning. He was excited about school but he also asked numerous times about today being his last day before the Christmas break. We’ve been working on the fact that this is 2023 and not much longer it will be 2024. Each step forward is progress. I remind myself of this. When we went outside to wait for the bus there was a light dusting of snow. He started talking about it. I still walk on eggshells waiting for his responses to the weather. It’s not something I can shut off so quickly after years of trying to make sure he could handle it all. When he got home from school he asked about all his days ahead. He asked about the people he would and wouldn’t see. I tried to focus on moving the conversation along and not letting him stay on one topic. It’s emotional. Beyond emotional. I want to comfort him by continuing to answer the same questions over and over but he’s not finding comfort in my answers. And that truly doesn’t help his progress. He stood screaming “Yes Mommy” because he wanted me to tell him when he was seeing his grandma but he had just told me he was going to see his grandma on Thursday. I want him to know it and move on but that’s not how it goes. I pray and pray and pray for strength and answers. I pray for him to find peace on days that he can’t sit still for two minutes let alone two seconds. And I pray that the days ahead lead to a beautiful Christmas for him and the connections to it that I so desperately want him to have and understand. I see the glimpses and that’s what I hold on to. Tomorrow will be a busy day for us. I hope that it will be exciting for him and make him happy. Sleep came quickly and I prayed for a restful night. Each day brings a new opportunity for hope to be met. Let laughter fill your heart and be your guide for a shining smile to share with others. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Each and every break is a break in our daily routine that gets spun in and out of moments over and over again. The three in the morning wake-up call happened once again. Do you start the coffee? Do you hope for more sleep? Do you just breathe and take it all in? I think I was somewhere in the mix of all this and still not ready to face the day. His teacher is going over the holiday break with the kids and what this extended break means. As soon as we get into the rhythm of the break or even leading up to the break then it changes. That’s how life is but when routine helps guide us through every moment it’s hard to change. The eating machine was in full swing when he woke up and he wanted all the food. Thankfully he was calm and followed directions when it was time to get ready for the most part until it was time to walk out the door. He wanted to go but he also wanted to talk about the break. It’s not one time or ten times. It could be hundreds of times he repeats the same words. The strategies for changing a habit are not always easy to follow and when you detour from it one time that becomes part of the new moment in time and the words or actions that are now associated with the habit. It is a complete circle sometimes. He also purposefully asks for the wrong information so he can spin the tail to what he wants to happen. It sure is. When I picked him up from school his teacher said that they were working on a strategy of answering his questions so that he won’t continue to repeat them. I am going to work towards this strategy too. It was snowing when we left his school. He seemed a little daunted by the huge flakes. He was standing there watching the rain slush turn to the flakes, telling me it was “turning into winter.” He was happy to see his music therapist. He was a little high-strung strung but he enjoyed it. He sang on the way home for me. He was cycling through all his days ahead and what he was going to do. He told me he wants to go to the “lie-berry” with everyone he knows. We came home for a little bit and then went to his vision therapy. He was somewhat distracted but he did great with the activities. She had him write his name and the E for some reason isn’t a letter he is doing anymore. She asked him if it was an E and he said no. They were catching the ball back and forth and he turned to me and moved his hands. He touched his finger to the palm of his other hand and then turned back to her. At first, I wasn’t sure what he was doing but I showed her what he did and she said that’s the first part of the sign for “Jesus.” It didn’t dawn on me until she said. It has been years since I’ve shown him that sign. I’m not sure if that’s what he was doing but it’s pretty cool to think he is now trying to sign. It was something we worked on with him but when he was younger it caused him lots of frustration. The night went quickly. He was exhausted from last night and hopefully tonight he will sleep. I’m thankful for his growth and all the support he receives. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The happy dance was danced for the sleep that Owen got. Me not so much because I listen for every single sound and wonder if it will wake him. Even when I do sleep it’s still with the edge of knowing that I might have to be awake. It’s a complicated version of sleep that maybe I will master one day. He was excited to be up and ready for his day. His greeting to me was full of everything he wanted for the day all bundled with the proof that he was going through a growth spurt. “Tablet good morning Mommy I’m fine how are you church mud let’s play in the mud waffle do you want a waffle sausage dog no pancake,” he said. Breathing seemed to not be an option until the very end. I hadn’t had my first cup of coffee so my greeting was a quick good morning and a thanks for an answered prayer for him sleeping through the night. I started fixing his breakfast and got my coffee. Sometime between first and second breakfast he came to me and started reciting the applications he had used for school that he no longer has access to for one reason or another. I was sitting so this was all about an inch from my nose. The dude does not forget a thing he doesn’t want to forget that he can’t use these apps anymore. He kept asking for me to get ready for church. He didn’t want to miss it like he had missed going to grandma’s house yesterday. He reminded me numerous times that he slept all night long. He was so excited about going to church that he started getting himself ready. He had run off to his room but I thought he was getting his robot. I heard him say “Help” but he wasn’t overly excited yet. The “help” got louder and he came around the corner. He had taken off his pajama pants and got his jeans on. He came to me for help because he couldn’t pull them all the way up but it was because he had put them on backward so I told him he had to take them off and he said, “Try again” before I could say anything else. He didn’t scream and put them back on without any problems. I helped him zip and buckle them. He told me to get ready but I told him we still had two hours until we were leaving. He did all of this without being upset or screaming. This is what we call great progress. I was working on my laptop and he came to sit with me before church. He was all dressed and ready to go but he sat there interacting with me, under the covers, and laughing about everything he was doing. This was a perfect morning. After church, he wanted to play in the mud but he hadn’t worn his rain boots and I didn’t want his new shoes to get muddy. He said “park” and numerous other versions of why he wanted to go all the way home. I told him we could go later after we ate lunch and got his shoes. I convinced him to take a dip in his tub pool. I told him we could go to the park after music tomorrow. We shall see how that goes. When he got out of the bathroom he only wanted to put on pajama bottoms and he told me he would put socks on at bedtime. I said how about a shirt for bedtime and he said, “No shirt today He has it all planned out. I think he enjoyed watching the movie with me yesterday even though he didn’t really watch it. Before bedtime, he asked to watch the Curious George Halloween movie. We worked on our Christmas crafts and then he sat with me under the blankets for our movie. He was much quieter this time but still talked a lot. He’s very excited about his day ahead and I’m praying he sleeps tonight. Dream the possible dream and watch the miracles happen. I’m thankful for my miracle. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Two in the morning is that a late start or an early start to the day? All I know is I was exhausted. And still am. Two days in a row Owen has been up in the middle of the night. I told him he needed to go back to bed but that wasn’t an option that he was excited about. I reiterated several times but still, it didn’t change the coasts of the night. I didn’t put his tablet in its regular charging spot hoping this would also detour him from staying up. I told him again that he needed to go back to his bed if he wanted to go to Grandma’s house. He was not going back to bed and the screaming continued. He spent many hours off and on throughout the day lying in bed with me but no sleep for either of us. I told him that he was not going to go see his grandma today because we didn’t sleep so he then kept talking about sleep for tonight. Church was on his mind since he didn’t sleep last night. His upcoming break from school I think is causing him to wake up but it could be from many other factors as well. When he realized he wasn’t going to grandma’s house he quickly changed his attention to taking a bath. I told him that he could take it after dinner. As soon as he ate his lunch he started swimming in his “house pool.” I told him not until after dinner so then he requested his dinner early. I told him no but the screaming continued. I told him that he could take his bath but then he wouldn’t have his tablet afterward and instead, we would watch a movie. He took his “house pool” with his swimming suit and goggles on. It’s no longer called a bath at this point when he’s in the tub. Then we attempted to watch a movie. The movie screen came up and he said, “That earth.” In the first movie, we didn’t get very far. It didn’t hold his attention and he kept screaming for Curious George so we watched his choice of the Curious George Christmas movie but every two seconds he asked for the Halloween one. I made him watch the full Christmas movie but he asked continuously during it for the Halloween one. Once the Christmas one was done I looked for the Halloween one he wanted but it wasn’t available. He requested shrimp for dinner and sat eating it, saying, “Mmm that’s delicious going to church yes yes mommy going to church.” My answer is if he sleeps tonight. I’m praying he sleeps tonight. The days and nights are hard when he is so focused on what’s ahead. The screaming is what gets me. I try to distract him but in exhaustion it’s hard. I’m thankful for the calm moments we had and when he sat with me and we were able to talk. Each day I pray for a better tomorrow and finding the strength to come up with solutions that work for us both. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having. His laughter and hugs are what got me through the day. Find your strength, share your story, and know tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The good news Owen might sleep tonight. He’s been up since 3 dreaming of his Saturday. I got up to use the bathroom and he was already up walking around in his room singing away. I think in the new year we might have to change his Saturdays more. He was ready for his Friday to be done so he could be home tonight to get ready to see his grandma tomorrow. I think between his growth spurt and the upcoming holiday he is focused on the moments he wants to control or thinks he can control. He wanted his tablet and I was trying to explain to him where I placed it while it was charging. He wasn’t even two feet from it and he couldn’t see it because of the direction it was laying. I gave him all types of instructions but it was too difficult for him to follow each step. I tried to make them very clear but he was just getting frustrated. I came closer to him because when I told him to look at the wall he would completely turn around to walk into the other room. He finally was able to find it and we went from there. He has a hard time with descriptive words like up, down, closer, or far away. I am going to work on more of these with him. We got ready for school and he wanted to make sure I knew we were not going anywhere when he came home from school. I asked him if he wanted to go to the park like we talked about to ride the wagon train but he said no. He was full of energy for someone who had been up most of the night. He was off to school and I’m sure focusing on his weekend. He took nothing for a chance when he came home from school. He came right inside to take off his clothes. He immediately started talking about the weekend and Monday. He wanted to make sure he was going to therapy on Monday. And that he was going to his grandma’s tomorrow. We were in for the night and he was very calm. I think it was pure exhaustion. He didn’t eat much of his dinner but he was ready for his bath. Bath time was the best time for him and he loved that he could wear his goggles in the tub. He fell asleep without much screaming or even talking. He had requested to go to activities tomorrow but I have a feeling grandma’s and mud might be the only thing on his mind. I’m hoping sleep is on all of ours. Thankful for a calm night and a happy boy. Each day we can make new memories and celebrate our victories. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen had a good morning. He was a little stuck on his day ahead but he was happy. He woke early again but this time he got his tablet and was quiet. He didn’t even tell me he got his tablet and he kept the volume turned down. This is rare. We got ready for his big day. He loves Thursdays and all the activities he gets to do. When I picked him up from school his teacher said he had a good day and he is an eating machine. I can tell he is on a growth spurt because he wants food all the time and asks for a “second dinner” right before bed. Santa was picking up another child at his school and Owen saw him. He got very excited and told him he needed to climb the school rooftop. We went to the park after school for a few minutes which also made him happy. When we got to his therapy place he said, “We’re early” working through his words and saying what I told him since we generally have a few minutes before his appointment. He had two good sessions. He enjoys speech now. It’s amazing how well he does and that he wants to work on sentences. He used to not want to do them at all and now he requests to do them. He also is working on following picture cards with his physical therapist and doing the exercises. This is a huge step for him. We went to see one of his favorite statues and the burger boy afterward. There is this little wagon ride at the park. I thought we might go but he wanted to come home. It’s been a very busy week for him so I completely understand. He played his ukulele for me when we got home and we recorded Happy Birthday for his grandma. I see progress with it all. I love how much he loves music. He told me his grandma’s birthday is on Monday. I told him no it’s today. He said but she won’t celebrate with me until Monday. I’m not sure why he decided that. He has been talking nonstop about Saturday so I’m not sure why he decided he is celebrating her birthday with her on Monday but let the festivities continue. I’m thankful for a good day and big changes. Dream big and let the world see your smile as you make your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I have to keep reminding myself that tomorrow is not Friday. I think I packed more in today than I have in a long time. Or maybe it just felt like a lot since we’ve been up since threeish. Owen was beyond excited about seeing his doctor and therapist today and he wanted to know which order he was going to see them in. This matters. He is fine either way it happens but he prefers to see his therapist first and then the doctor. And he wanted me to know it and confirm what I didn’t know at four and five and six o’clock in the morning until he went off to school. He sat with me for a while in the “white bed” and told me about his day ahead. The giggles are what I like best though. When he thinks he has pulled a joke on me he laughs the best laugh and it makes my heart happy. Today I was fortunate to share our journey with a local organization and it is a great reminder of how far Owen has come. I remind myself of this when those rollercoastery moments flash through our day. He is growing so much and with this, his volume is getting louder and louder, and maybe it is now competing with his tablet. He doesn’t understand “inside voice” and anytime he is excited he becomes even louder. When he got home from school he couldn’t wait to go to his appointment. He ate his snack and off we went. His therapist gave him a present. He started to open it but then he stopped. Sometimes these moments are still overwhelming for him but it’s a great learning experience for him. He is beginning to understand more about presents but this was his time with his therapist so the present had to wait. I eventually helped him finish opening it and once I did he was very happy. He sat there with one of his sensory toys she gave him while we finished the appointment. He had more fun with them once we got in the car but he was also focused on dinner with grandma. And as soon as he saw her he was talking about coming home so he could take his bath and wear his goggles. He’s always a few steps ahead of his moments in time. He can’t stay focused on the now. We enjoyed our dinner and when we came home he got his bath but as soon as he got in the bathtub he started asking for his tablet. “Tablet yes,” he said, after asking for goggles for hours. Living in the moment has been hard for him. I’m trying to find ways for him to focus on what he is doing and not what he is going to be doing. He fell asleep talking about tomorrow and going to school. He is also very excited about his therapy tomorrow. Laughter is a beautiful emotion of expression and joy. I’m thankful that Owen shares his laughter with me. Find your joy, share your song, and laugh for expression. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Owen was happy to start his day. He knew he was going to see his specialist after school and he didn’t even ask what he was going to be wearing. This felt like progress for us because this has been such a hard appointment in the past for Owen because of the blue pants. It’s even more interesting to me because the reason we started seeing the doctor was because of “blue pants.” He’s made great strides and all of his support team are helping us to get past these moments in time but we want to keep working on progress. He wanted to wear his new shoes this morning. They were a little big but he was happy about them. This right here is maybe one of the biggest moments of the day. I didn’t tell him to try them on, I didn’t tell him he had to wear them, and I didn’t even mention them this morning. When they arrived in the mail a few days ago I took them out of the box and showed them to him. I put them with his other shoes but I didn’t take any of the tags off. When I told him to go get his shoes he brought them to me and told me he wanted to wear them. Not long ago it was a challenge to get him to wear new shoes. Rivers of tears from both of us over trying to get him to even try a new pair of shoes on. Velcro, lace-ups, slip-ons, and every other style of shoe I could think of were tried and met with different degrees of meltdowns. And today my sweet baby O brought me his new pair of shoes that he wanted to wear. He didn’t want to wear socks with them but he wanted to wear them. I will take this amazing gift for today. I picked him up from school for his appointment and he was excited to go. Owen talked to the doctor about his pants a couple of times throughout our session but he didn’t get upset this time at all. We discussed his anxiousness and how he wants to constantly be thinking ahead. We are working on new strategies for this and the repetitive behaviors. This was our best appointment yet. I believe huge progress is being made. I was told by doctors that Owen most likely wouldn’t talk but I told him I knew he could find a way to move everything around in his mind and he would be able to talk. Not only does he talk but he speaks in numerous languages even though he can’t tell me what language he is speaking or how many he comprehends I know it’s a lot. Tonight when he was in the bath it proved how far he has come. He started talking nonstop and I soaked it all in. He said, “How do you spell ghost g h o n no n s t skeleton bones that’s for Halloween spooky you can do it O swim in the pool with your goggles.” I call him “the amazing O” for a reason. To encourage and not discourage is what we should all do. Words can set someone in their place or set them on a path that makes them believe in themselves. Through twists and turns, we had a great day. Let words of encouragement be your path to greatness. Smiles to all and donut daze!