There’s no day like a church day to Owen. “Let’s go to church I’m ready for church”, he proclaims. If it was even five o’clock in the morning I would be surprised. I couldn’t focus on the clock to even see what time it was. I wanted him to go back to sleep. I desperately needed more sleep. I should have known this wasn’t happening from the hours he had already been in bed with me, but I still tried. I told him he needed to go back to sleep. His immediate response was, “need to go potty”. It’s amazing how fast the potty train derails when you say, “you can go potty but then you have to come right back to bed”. It’s not like he can go to the bathroom alone, but at least I set the ground rules for him having to come back to bed. He moved on to the next excuse to get out of bed. “Milk wanna milk pwease”, he chimes in. I told him that I would get him milk, but it was right back to bed we would go. Again, what was I thinking. There was truly no hope for more sleep. I’ve had so many people suggesting melatonin lately I thought I’d try it again with him. It had been several years and I thought maybe his reaction will have changed, but after having him on it for a week the only thing it’s doing is getting him to sleep easier. From there I see more anxiety and sleeplessness. There is, unfortunately, no one size fits all pill for sleep. I was hoping that it might help this go-round, but no such luck. I forget sometimes exactly how literal Owen is. Words mean exactly what they mean. A few weeks ago at bedtime, I told him to close his eyes. He immediately took his hands up to his eyes and forced them shut. I took his hands off his eyes and I then said, momma, means for you to go to sleep. I said it to him again last night, not thinking about the first time I said it to him. He did the exact same thing. I really wasn’t expecting anything different, but I try to think through the way I explain things to him, hoping that it makes sense to him. I remind myself that I’m learning and growing too. Autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. Today and always we are a team and we push forward. He was excited to go to church and I was happy to be there too. Find what inspires you, know that today is one moment in time, and tomorrow will be a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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The dude’s ready to go bowling. I think that request came around five in the morning. Many other requests followed that, but Owen’s main concern was the routine of our day. The unplanned shift in routine yesterday because of schools being closed due to the snow threw us completely off. He still had a great day, spending time with his grandparents, but it wasn’t his beloved school and especially the routine of it all. When we came home my anxiety was right there waiting to enter our front door. We were about a block away and I saw a lady walking her dog. It wasn’t someone I recognized and I wondered if Owen saw her too. I wasn’t sure if this would help or hinder the process of getting Owen inside the house. He’s been concerned about the happenings in our neighborhood for a while now and it doesn’t help him when he is expecting a certain scenario. I’m really not sure if he saw the lady with the dog, but yesterday was the easiest transition from the car to our house in days and maybe it had something to do with his mischievousness taking over as he ran to the neighbor’s house. He loves going to sit on their steps and he hasn’t done this for a while. When we walked through our door he didn’t run to the window and scream. I waited for it. I braced myself for his emotions. Instead, he took off his shoes and socks, putting them away. The night was calmer than I expected with only a few rough spots as it wore on. He started yelling for his teacher and I explained why he wouldn’t see her until Monday. A few kicks of the cabinet and he calmed down, walking away, stating, “we don’t kick”. The actions, reactions, and emotions of our days are learning experiences for both of us. Through the rough waters, we will tread together. After the rain, the sun will shine again. Be the change you want to see in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I used to not want to walk out our front door because I knew there would be many things we would encounter and have to work through. Now walking back through my door I have to prepare for the instant meltdowns that occur. Time will change this as all things do, but for now, I have to help Owen understand what is happening. As soon as we get into the house, that is also now a huge process to get him inside, he runs to the window pulling the curtains open screaming, “tell them bye bye”. He’ll continue with different phrases about the people that are outside. These people do not necessarily have to be outside at that exact moment. He talks about people, animals, and cars from different days that have gone by. And if someone is standing on their porch and they aren’t supposed to be, according to Owen, then this upsets him as well. My heart aches for him. This is the only way he knows how to express his emotions, but here he is screaming and crying at the window about things I cannot control. Do I shield the window, maybe put up a film, or explain and explain again. A thousand questions for a thousand days, and like the lock on my front door, this too shall pass. He ran to the lock the other day, positioning it straight up. He didn’t scream, he moved the toggle, and walked away. That was days ago and he hasn’t done it since. So today I breathe through this and try to help him understand his emotions. And our emotions are all kicked up today. They cancelled school because of the snow. The cries started immediately when I told Owen. I explained to him it was because it was snowing. He screamed, “no” and proceeded to talk about the weather and planets, mentioning the sun, rain, and moon as well. He immediately wanted to confirm what he was doing today. He asked about his teacher, bowling, coffee shop, church, restaurants, and his grandma. He ran back to my bed crying about not going to school. Any change in routine is hard for Owen to process. He went through all the scenarios. He wanted me to come back to bed, sit, get dressed, paint, and then started all over again about why he couldn’t go to school. He ran to the window, looking out one more time to see the moon that he couldn’t see. I sat holding him for a while and this was all before six o’clock even rolled around. Through these moments all I can do is be thankful for his progress. He’s calmer now, eating his breakfast, and smiling away. Find your ray of sunshine even through the clouds. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I woke with Owen laying on my back. And I woke with a start. He was laying on the very edge of the bed because I was faced inward. How long has he been like that. The good news I hardly move in my sleep, but he easily could have fallen right off the edge. My nightstand has glass on it. My first thought was bye-bye nightstand. I guess that was my second thought because I needed him to move to the other side of the bed. I can’t move him over me like I used to. Now he’s bigger, stronger, and when he doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t want to do something. I was able to convince him to move. He slept restless, needing to have my hair in his hands. My mind works overtime trying to come up with an alternative. He stopped doing it for a while, but here we are full circle again. There are so many steps for his bedtime process we go through. I try to keep it consistent for him every night. It seems to help the routine, but then when something doesn’t go according to plan it throws everything off for him. I feel like everything is a guessing process for me. I tried sound at night, but he seemed to wake up more. Then I even question that. How can he possibly be waking up more when he wakes up every night. I’ve tried multiple supplements, with him only to have the adverse effects of what we wanted them for. Essential oils seem to cause a huge burst of energy for him instead of the calming effect it should have. And how many do you try until you get the right one. His bed feels like a cacophony of lights, sounds, and textures, but I try to let him decide what is calming for him. He has a lovey that sings a lullaby. Some nights he will hold it and fall asleep in minutes. Other nights he will start to play the tune only to catapult it across the room because he knows that if he drops it the noise will turn off. But there it sits ready for the choice to happen. The soft blanket, the small one, the stretchy one, and the one he loves to wrap himself entirely in are all there waiting for their night. Pillows of all shapes, sizes, and textures are intertwined with the blankets. I wonder sometimes if it is all too much so I simplify the choices only to have him scream his request of what is missing. One day at a time, one moment at a time, and one breathe at a time we get through our days. Today and always I’m learning and growing as much as he is. Through the rain, the sun will shine again. Find your strength and push forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The world is a huge place and there is one small boy that looks out the window to a world unknown. The more I think I understand the more I know I’m confused. How can I help Owen through a meltdown when I can’t even figure out what the trigger is and how to avoid it or at least talk him through it. When we came home yesterday there were a lot of extra cars around our house. Depending on the time of day and the events around town there will always be cars and people around. He wants to tell people hello and goodbye. He doesn’t understand when people don’t talk back to him and he doesn’t always want to talk to them when he does see them. There are rules and routine for everything we do until that changes. Yesterday, he stood in front of the window crying out to the cars that were there. No one was even close to them, but he kept yelling, “tell them bye bye”. He doesn’t understand that they won’t magically disappear. And there’s something that keeps triggering him to cry out. His words don’t match the scene outside our window, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t to him. All I can do is try to distract him. I remind myself to breathe and that this is how he processes his emotions. I still want to cry. He isn’t sleeping through the night and always ends up in my bed. I will never understand his need to hold the tiniest strands of my hair and how he can find them in his sleep. As he grows the huge pillows that I have on my bed to keep him in a little cocoon no longer hold him. I dream of ways to give him the comfort he seeks. I look at different therapy machines and sleeping apparatuses and I’m at a loss to which things to try. I never imagined the daily struggles my little boy would go through and the heartstrings it would pull for me. I try to remember to be patient and kind even at two o’clock in the morning when I want to scream to both of us go back to sleep. All of the magic sleeping pills and supplements that are supposed to make him sleep don’t. Some of them even causing more aggression, anxiety or heightened restlessness. More breathing for this momma. The journey through autism is not one that is easily explained, but the love, that’s the easy part. Owen’s smile has calmed me when my tears were ready and his words are good for my soul. Find your happiness, live your dreams out loud, and make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sometimes I have to remind myself not to be cranky. My sweet baby O knows how to push my buttons, but I don’t know if he really understands that’s what he is doing. He is still learning how to communicate and express his feelings so he knows he wants attention and how else do you get attention than to talk right into mommy’s nose. And maybe he understands it all. He screams right there, right there in my nose. He laughs and walks away. I try to sit emotionless because any show of emotions gets him coming right back to me and screaming again. That’s hard. I’m trying a new approach, explain, explain, and explain again why he can’t scream into my face. I try to teach him about personal space and then I reach right over and give him a kiss on his forehead. Where, when, how, why does this not make sense and make sense. Once again Queen of Overthinking reporting for duty. The older he gets the more I try to make him understand about personal space. And then here we go down the sensory input road. I can tell when he is trying to fall asleep or during his sleep that he wants and needs the pressure he gets from squishing his head into my head or shoulder. But how do I explain to him it hurts. He can’t make himself feel better by making someone else struggle. All this makes me want to cry. Why can’t I take the pressure for the five minutes or two hours that he needs it, but I can’t. I’ve yet to find a substitute for the input he seeks by squishing his head into mine. He doesn’t want anything on his head but he still seeks the pressure from pushing his head against something. He’s been tested for numerous reasons he may need the pressure, but it all seems to relate back to needing input. I rejoice in the words and communication skills that are coming. His eyes shine with delight as he learns and grows. I’m learning to challenge both of us in new ways and one day at a time we will get through this. I always tell Owen we are a team and we have to work together. Yesterday he yells out, “teamwork we got teamwork”. Yes, my sweet baby O, we do. Find your inspiration, know that you are important, and be the change you want in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept right on target for how we sleep. He woke in a good mood, but didn’t want to go to the bathroom. That seems to be one of those things we go round and round with. He tells me he never has to go, but clearly, we all know the dance that means that boy gotta go. Once we crossed that bridge he was full of enthusiasm for everything around him. However, he wanted me to sit down and I had several things I had to do to get us out the door for the bus. Owen is nonstop noise. Some is an attention-getter and other times it is how he processes the moment, needing the input from his own noise. He knows how to push my buttons by saying certain words and pulling my hair. I have to be emotionless, not responding to every single thing he says or does, and I can’t let him know how much something bothers me. That is easier said than done. He knows me like a book and can read me before I have time to even process what is happening myself. There are other times he can’t help but repeat the words at hand. The moon and the sun are something Owen loves to look for. The past few weeks the skies have hidden what he seeks. Between the cloud cover and rains many days we haven’t seen either. On our walk to the bus, he repeated about looking for the moon constantly. I try to explain that we won’t necessarily see it and he states, “there’s no” wanting me to finish with the words, “moon today”. If I don’t say the words he gets upset. I breathe. If I answer am I fueling his need to repeat, if I don’t answer will he keep repeating it, and how does all of this affect him. And how does it affect me. The guessing and second-guessing is hard. As we were getting ready to leave for the bus I asked him to put his coat on. This process has completely evolved and I feel like we are backtracking. He doesn’t want to stick his hands through the arms and if he does he only wants his jacket on backwards. More breathing for me. How do I help him through this. What is causing him distress over the sleeves. Is this something he is going through because of age, Owen, or autism. Thousands of questions dance through my head wanting to help my baby. His words “I wuv ewe” echo through my soul. That’s what gets me through my day. Find your strength, know that you are amazing, and today is one moment in time. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Kicking the wall, I can’t say that I’ve ever done it, but for Owen, it’s his new old trend. He used to do it all the time. Kick the wall, bang his head on the floor or the wall, bite the furniture, bite me, pull my hair, pull his hair, to name a few, but he’s cycling back through several of them. The need for input has been great the last few days and he’s been in extreme sensory overload. I always think it seems more like under-load, but I feel like I’ll never quite grasp what it all means. This morning he knew he needed the input and put my hand on his foot, saying, “piggy market”. He associates the rubbing of his feet with the nursery rhyme and it has helped me to know when he needs more input. He heard our neighbor leaving this morning and that sent him into a tailspin. He wasn’t in full meltdown mode, but he was right there on the edge. His car made a noise and Owen stood at the window yelling, “tell him bye bye”. I tried to distract Owen because I knew this could become a huge meltdown. I was able to get him to come eat his breakfast, where he promptly sat on his plate. I said, please do not sit on the table. He went on to say, “do not sit on your plate” and then he moves off of his food and he says, “thank you”. We’ve had this discussion a time or two. I stopped to get gas after church and when I was back in the car Owen said, “it’s raining”. I told him that it wasn’t raining that today it was very sunny. He said it again, “it’s raining”. I looked over to where he could see and there was water falling from the roof. I told him exactly that and he said, “it’s a waterfall”. Every corner we turn I see progress. I never imagined the journey we would be on, but I’m thankful for the steps we have taken. Rejoice in what the daily sunrise will bring us and be in awe of the sunset that gives us hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
One of us certainly has a lot more energy this morning than the other one of us. Owen fell asleep easily last night, woke around one, and as they say the rest is history. My hair has become his focus again. I have yet to figure out how, in the middle of his sleep, he can grab the hair on my neck, hold onto it, and stay asleep. Owen is extremely happy, ready for bowling day, and screaming at the top of his lungs with delight about everything. Except, then I had to go to the bathroom. I sat up on the couch. Before I could get to my feet Owen started saying, “sit down”. He did not want me out of his view and he certainly did not want me to make a trip to the bathroom. I braced for the happy screams to turn into squeaks of anxiety. I had to go. I stood and his foot started tapping the floor. I explained to him that I’m getting more coffee and going to the bathroom. He yells, “no coffee”. I kept walking. Some days this isn’t a problem and he won’t follow me into the other rooms. But today isn’t one of those days. I got to the bathroom and before I could even close the door he slams it shut, sits on the floor outside the bathroom, and starts kicking the door. Before he started using the toilet these episodes were almost daily. Now that he is more involved in the bathroom process he doesn’t kick the door as frequently, but it still can cause him a lot of anxiety. When I walked out of the bathroom I switched the light off, not even thinking about it. This brought the next wave of screams. The bathroom is one of the lights that is now supposed to be on until it’s not. The rules and routines that govern our world change, but stay the same. He’s happy again now that I’m sitting. There’s a line of how to survive, thrive, and keep the meltdowns away that I’m still learning. Some days I’m walking the line, other days I’m crossing the line, and many days I can’t even find the line that I so desperately need. But then he says, “I wuv ewe” and comes running for a kiss on his forehead. His words are flowing today and have been since he leaned over sometime in the middle of the night and said, “let’s go bowling”. Thankful doesn’t even cover it. He’s come so far. There is no mountain we can’t climb together. I tell Owen all the time that he can do anything he wants if he sets his mind to it. Through sleepy eyes, I still see the victories of our morning. Never give up, believe in yourself, and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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