Owen woke for the second time after six in the morning. What, I thought. I can’t remember the last time he slept so late and all night. He slept until five and then came to the couch, sleeping another hour. I can’t tell you how many times I woke thinking I missed him being awake. He woke in a good mood but on edge. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. And I sat. I pretty much want to forget about a big portion of our day. If ever the “Gone Fishing” sign should be hung it was today. Owen might have had the biggest meltdown I’ve ever seen from him or at least the biggest one in the car. Meltdowns in the car are almost impossible to stop. I have to be in his face, talking him through them, and in the car, everything I said was making it worse. Certain areas of town bring his emotions quicker to the forefront. But we can’t avoid these roads. And once he got this emotional he untied his shoe and that sent him even further into the meltdown. He doesn’t like slip-on shoes, Velcro causes him to play with the edge of the strip constantly, trying to get it in the right spot, and double tying his shoes work but in the car, he gets upset because he can’t untie them so he takes them off and this causes him to ask over and over for me to put his shoe back on. The rules are never-ending. And if I forgot one I quickly know I’ve forgotten one. I can only imagine his feelings about all of this. It has to be overwhelming for him when we go out into the unknown. I try to explain what is happening and where we are going but any one change can change every single thing about our day. I tried to make the rest of our afternoon go smoothly. We played together, sang songs, and asked Siri every word we could think of in every language she translates into. He is succeeding through his challenges and I reminded him that he is amazing. I try to push the meltdowns out of my mind and focus on the smiles, giggles, and laughter we shared. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Let today go and focus on the good stuff yet to come. Smiles to all and donut daze!

“How are you feeling”, Owen said. This was after he said, “tablet” and “have to go potty first” the instant he woke up but there it was a sensational conversational start to our day. The cup runneth over on the connection train. I might be a little excited about his progress. We didn’t sleep much last night but to be greeted by his question was a great way to start our day. I hear him working through all the phrases and skills he is learning at school. They all feel glorious to me. I’ve waited years to hear Owen’s thoughts, wants, needs and they are coming. He’s getting it. I always worried he wouldn’t be able to tell me if he was not feeling well or if his sock wasn’t in his shoe correctly but now those expressive words are all starting to be used. He still doesn’t know how to process it all but the progress in the last week alone is magical. He has always referenced the word “you” instead of talking about himself. Now he goes through the steps working on saying “me”. He will purposely gag himself or make himself burp so he can practice his speech, “excuse you excuse me excuse you excuse me excuse meeee yum blatz”. I’m not sure how or why he started saying “yum blatz” but he got it from watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode. When I took him to visit his grandma today I tried to distract him from screaming “green” at every stoplight as I drove, even if it is green. Nothing really works but some days are worse than others so I try to distract him. I asked him what the color of grandma’s hair is, he said, “grey”. I moved on to grandpa’s and he said, “white”. He told me my hair was white and when I asked him what color his was he responded white as well. I told him his hair was brown and I didn’t even try to correct him on mine because in quarantine times who needs to fix their hair color. Let’s just say I need to put my part back together. He went right back to screaming about the lights and saying “turn right”, even though most of our turns are left he still says right. When he’s calm in he car I am teaching him our phone number. I’m excited about how well he is doing with it because he wants to say the number that would numerically come after each one but he is starting to get it. I’m thankful for all the moments that keep moving us forward. He’s doing amazing things and his words and action reflect it. In struggles, there’s still so much to be thankful for. Find your strength, be brave, and keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!

The adventures start early in the morning for us and seem to go late into the night. Owen couldn’t wait to get to school today. If he could go every day I think he would be happy. There is so much goodness being poured into my child at school it is amazing and wonderful. Two days in a row Owen has come home with words flowing and the actions to go with them. It is a lot for him to process everything he is learning and how to compartmentalize it with his daily routine. I stood in amazement as he stuck his fingers in the corner of his mouth like he was tugging on his smile and stuck out his tongue. I rejoiced in that moment. It’s a huge victory for my child to stick out his tongue. This is years in the making and all the steps clicked into place for him. He’s talking about spitting when we brush his teeth. “Don’t swallow de tooffpaste”, he says, like he has a mouth full of it. One after another the connections are coming. I’m sitting here with tears swelling in my eyes for these moments and how truly glorious they are. Life skills, my sweet baby O is learning life skills. We went to an appointment today and after meeting with the therapists she told Owen she had to go. He said, “I’m sad”. He’s been using the phrase “I’m happy” for weeks now and any other emotions are very hard for him to process so for him to tell her “I’m sad” made this momma very happy that he could express another portion of his heart and emotions. I asked Owen if he wanted to paint with me and he said, “you know you can say yes or no”. We've had this conversation a couple of times and I always tell him he has options. He wanted to paint an elephant made up of all kinds of shapes and he did a fabulous job. When he went to bed I showed him the new pillow I got him. I had put a different pillowcase on it to see if he would like it better. The other pillow he had was in a velvet pillowcase. I showed him both and let him choose which one he wanted. He put his head on the new one and said, “thank you”. The joys of today were amazing. Find your joy, share your story, and know that you can be the change. Smiles to all and donut daze!

“Patience” Owen said kinda squealing it. That one word, the one word calmed me and filled my heart with joy. A few minutes before he had walked to me with his tablet and he was very anxious, close to one more meltdown for the day. His words were all mushed together and his emotions escalating quickly. I had my phone in one hand and coffee in the other. When he wants me to do something he wants me to do it right that minute and it doesn’t matter what I have in my hands or where I am. Over the years I’ve explained to him that mommy will help him but he has to give me patience and understanding. We also have to work together and respect each other. I walk him through the steps of asking for helping and waiting while I finish my task or put the items I might have in my hands down. His tablet cover has seen better days. He drops it, bites it, and everything in between. It has multiple layers to it because it originally was waterproof, that features long gone with all the chewing. The rubber cover was coming off, upsetting him. He put it in my lap and then tried to take my hand. I told him that I would help him but I had to put my stuff down. I started putting the cover on it but he kept trying to take it out of my hands before I was done. I told him that I wasn’t finished and he had to wait until mommy got it back in the case. That’s when he said it, “patience”. He’s said it to me many times before but most of the time with me prompting him or talking about it. This moment in time is exactly what I needed after the day we’ve had. The meltdowns have been numerous and spinning out of control before I even knew that he was upset. It’s hard to stop a meltdown in a car when you are turning and he wanted to go straight. All I can do is try to comfort him and tell him I love him. I see changes in him every day and today he showed me that he knows what patience is and understands it. When I finished putting the cover on he put his forehead on my lips to kiss him and ran off to play. Through patience, we all learn and grow. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!

How many emotions can you have in one day, all of them. Absolutely all of them. The time change continues to wreak havoc on my sleeping, oh wait, that’s every day. It took Owen hours to fall asleep tonight. And he was awake numerous times last night. He wanted to play on his tablet, go see his teacher, and take a bath. Luckily, I got him back to sleep for each time. All I can do is pray. His teacher is filling my sweet baby O with so much incredible knowledge. He got off the bus explaining about his pants, shoes, socks, and the colors of his shirt and shoes. All amazing. He talked to me about it as he walked up our sidewalk. It was like he had soaked everything up like a sponge and now he was pouring it all out when he got home. He asked me to help him find “cowboy song yeehaw”. I was delighted with his words. They felt strong and his letters are each becoming more recognizable when he says them. He felt confident in his ramblings and it felt like he was having a conversation with me. It was different and very exciting. He asked for shrimp for dinner and he sat with me to eat. I was thankful and needed that time with him. There was still an edge to his moments but he was calm all through the night until bedtime. I can’t convince him not to drink his bathwater. I try to explain to him there’s soap in it but that doesn’t go over well. Now I have to only put the water in the tub and then use the soap but this aggravates him because he wants the bubbles and it throws our night off. I breathe some more. But with this, I can also see the life skills his teacher is helping him with. Sure we work on some of the same skills all the time but each person that touches my son’s life gives him a purpose and a connection to something more. The way I explain a task is completely different than someone else might. So the encouragement of others truly helps Owen grow. The days are draining, sometimes before they even get started, but there is nothing better than a hug from my sweet baby O and those steps he continues to take and the growth he has made. Life doesn’t always go according to plan but sometimes the new plan is better. Follow your heart, dream big, and the rest will follow. Smiles to all and donut daze!

There’s a difference between knowing something is behavioral and being able to change the behavior. Sometimes I don’t try to fix a behavior because I know that it will start an avalanche of other behaviors. The screaming stops me in my place so many times as well. I know what comes next after the screaming. The older Owen gets I can see the changes happening quickly for him. He didn’t want to eat dinner with me, maybe because he wasn’t hungry at the time, or maybe because he needed to process what he was doing. I made BBQ sandwiches. A few weeks ago he loved them. Tonight it was met with “do you like it yum yum” as he rubbed it all over his face and ran off screaming, which meant he didn’t like it. I sat there wanting to make him come back and eat more, I also sat wanting to cry and turn into a puddle of mud on the floor. Right about then, he came to me putting his forehead on my lips, knowing I was emotional about all the screaming, needing the comfort from him in my own uncomfortable state. He processes my emotions almost as quickly as his own, needing me to be happy all the time because he can handle that emotion. I left part of the BBQ sandwich on his plate that he didn’t want to eat earlier. About an hour later he finally came to eat. What was yucky earlier was now devoured, wanting more. He then needed more milk. He went to the refrigerator, got the milk out, brought it to the table, took the cap off, almost poured it into the cup without spilling but the container was too heavy so I assisted him, and then he started eating the cap. I took the cap from him and helped him put it on the milk and he ran the milk back to the refrigerator. While putting the milk up he knocked the cheese to the floor, he picked it up screaming and slamming the cheese in the door after throwing it into the refrigerator but he knew it needed to go in there. So much progress in all of that. We’ve been working on the steps for him to get his own snacks. We celebrate all the steps because it was all part of the progress in the process. These small steps lead to the hugest of huge victories. The struggle for sleep was there tonight but there was more progress. He asked twice to go potty once he was already in bed. I think the first was a need and the second was a push to see where the boundaries would be made. But you can never stop the potty train. It must not be derailed. Today my own emotions were pushed in every direction, for every reason, and once again adulting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be but through tired eyes I watched my little boy crossed the victory line so many times. Celebrate our victories, celebrate yours. Know that tomorrow is a brand new day and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!

We got home from our appointment and before I could even get out of the car I cried. I cried. And I cried some more. I cried for my son. I cried for myself. I had almost cancelled the appointment we had today when I realized it was going to rain at the same time we would be leaving for the appointment. The place we had to go to was about twenty minutes from our house. I kept telling myself today would be the day rain on the windshield would not bother him when I had to turn my wipers on. It was not. “Wipers”, he stated matter of factly. The wipers kept swishing. He stated it again, “wipers”, this time with more of a squeal in his throat. I knew it was coming, the scream was about to get wicked quickly. I wanted to scream with him. I wanted to stop, turn around, come home, crawl under the bed, and hold Owen until he was calm again. How could the wipers on my car cause my child so much anxiety. But they do. There’s no way to avoid the rain. There’s no way to not use my wipers. The magic sprays and everything else only fixes the problem for a moment. Plus, my wipers are loud and clunky. I’ve never been a huge fan of rain but now the rain is even more daunting for me. There were so many great moments to our day and he was excited to go to our appointment but it’s that middle-of-the-road moment that get us every time. How do I find a calm in the storm for Owen. How do I find it for me. You would think by now I would be used to it but you could also say you would think by now he would be used to it. But that not how all this works. One day at a time. I always say autism is as much about how I handle it as it is about Owen having it. I find my calm in the storm when I think back to this morning when he practically ran up the steps to get on the bus and his laughter echoes through my mind as he was watching a video in Spanish and laughing at the same places he laughed at it in German. Soon Owen and I will have a behavioral specialist assisting us to work through some of these moments. I pray it makes it easier for him to transition through these times. There is hope in tomorrow and there’s more cake to eat today. Never give up on the happiness yet to come. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

I fell asleep with Owen last night. I truly needed the sleep. I woke a couple of times but was able to go back to sleep. When we woke he asked for church and chocolate milk. My dude knows his schedule. I said, in just a minute, truly needing to get myself going. I then asked him if he knew what today was. I said, “it’s your b” making the B sound but not saying the word. He said, “birthday”. I said, “do you know how to say happy birthday in German”. He said it. Do you know how to say it in French, I went on. He asked for chocolate milk in French, I’ll take it. He said, “phone” and I got my phone. He said, “happy birthday in Arabic”. We spent another ten minutes asking Siri how to say happy birthday in every language with a combination of “I want banana and chocolate milk please”. My heart is full. All week I’ve been telling him his birthday was today and he would scream or say no. And I get it, he needed to process it. In my mind I was thinking wait until you’re fifty and how much you’ll want to scream. But he was excited about his birthday even if it was those ten minutes with me I’m thrilled. The day he was born was the best day of my life. When they wheeled me from the operating room I kept telling everyone I saw I had a baby. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. My world changed that day and from that day forward my sweet baby O has been proving it over and over how amazing he is. His birthday has always been emotional for me and I tell myself this is my day. Today I shout it from the rooftops again, Happy Birthday, Owen. Mommy loves you with all my heart and I am thankful. Never give up on the miracles yet to come. They will happen and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Before six o’clock in the morning we had already worked on establishing that Owen is learning how to wipe his hands on a towel, he has lost some of the concepts of throwing a ball, and knows what my favorite color is but doesn’t understand what that means. And after six o’clock in the morning, I realized exactly how exhausted I was. I’m staring at Owen's uneaten dinner, waiting for him to come to eat. I’ve asked numerous times for him to come but he refuses. I lose the energy some days to make him come eat with me. I’m exhausted today, completely and totally exhausted. He went and spent a few hours with his grandma and that helps all of us. He’s felt calmer and more connected the last few days. He still has his moments and he’s not sleeping well but his words feel more like he can express what he wants. When we woke this morning he immediately started asking for grandma. He knows his schedule. And he wants his routine to stay the same. I told him that he wasn’t going to see her at five in the morning but he would see her later. He immediately wanted to get his tablet but I reminded him he needed to go potty first. He went but he wasn’t thrilled I was making him. When he came out of the bathroom he ran to where his soccer ball was. He pulled it out and talked to it for a moment. He put it back and he got his basketball. I asked him to throw it to me. He’s never mastered this skill but today it felt like he couldn’t process what I was asking him. He’s much better about throwing it into a hoop than throwing it towards me and he’s still learning to catch the ball. Every time I asked him to stand in a spot to throw to me he would turn around and drop it from the air. The concept wasn’t there. My emotions run-heavy. A few minutes earlier he had dried his hand on his towel, a skill that the day before seemed impossible, and then he couldn’t throw the ball. Sometimes those skills or words feel like they have been put on a shelf, waiting to be used again some day but still need to be worked through. It was like he could dry his hands effectively and efficiently but the skill needed to throw the ball was up on the shelf. I know he’ll be able to do it another day so we’ll try again tomorrow. Every day is a gift. Through emotional days I learn to cope, I grow right alongside Owen, and I rejoice in the progress he makes. Find your inspiration, know that you are amazing, and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!

Nothing like a Friday night free for all meltdown about it being Friday night and Owen not seeing his teacher until Monday. Oh boy. Let the screams begin. It started before bath, then during bath, and all the way for an hour and a half after he got out of the bath. Breathe, I held my head really far back trying to stop the tears forming in my eyes, knowing that no matter what I do summer is coming and it’s another major change in routine. Why, oh why, oh why can’t school be five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, and let’s add in some spare days in case we need them. He needs the routine and this momma needs the routine for him. All I can do is hope he sleeps through the night, knowing that it’s not even a possibility. He hasn’t slept through the night in a month of months. I thought a month of Sundays but it’s been a lot longer than that. All I can do is pray. When he came home from school he was ready to already go back. He ate his snack and worked on his school apps without me prompting him. He then moved on to the TV. “Hi mom”, he said not directed at me. There was more to his sentence but I couldn’t completely hear it. He learns a lot of his actions and reactions from TV shows that he watches or apps that he plays with. He was watching Doc McStuffins, listening to the characters interact with each other. I rejoice when he makes these connections. They help his everyday conversations and builds his people skills. He then moved on to his language portion of the day. So, OK, the language portion seems to be all day now. He ran to me with his tablet wanting me to help him say the words for Siri to translate. Sometimes he does it himself now, which is amazing. He asked for his teacher and banana in Spanish, then he moved on to shapes in German, and he continued with Portuguese and Arabic. He keeps me guessing with what he’ll learn next. He makes me smile in every language, makes me laugh with his belly gut laughs, and he holds my heart in his hands when he asks for one more kiss. The impossible can become the possible if you believe. Smiles to all and donut daze!