I can tell you right now I feel like I need some duck tape and glue to fix all the broken pieces in our world. Today was very sad for Owen and many meltdowns throughout the day. I don’t know how to provide comfort to him besides holding him and telling him I love him, but that’s not something he always wants me to do. He wants to go through his own feelings and emotions about it. And he is still learning to process those. He keeps telling me he wants to call people and places, but as soon as I tell him that he can call someone he yanks the phone from my hand or keeps pushing the home button, screaming the entire time. “Wanna call church”, he says. “Let’s call church”, he continues. I always tell him, “absolutely you can call church”. He moves on listing other people and places, but will come running to me if I make any attempts at trying to call anyone. We had to go to the drug store. We only had to go to the drive-thru, but this alone felt incredibly overwhelming. To walk out my door feels like the same way it did for us years ago. There’s an uncertainty of how Owen is going to act or for that matter me. He does not understand he cannot put his fingers in his mouth. The rule of don’t touch your face does not apply to him. I try to think through the steps we are going to take, but that’s exactly it, walking out our door are steps that lead us to the unknown. I try to rush us through the process of getting to the car or in his stroller for our walks. I want him as safe as possible and I wish that we didn’t have to even step foot out our door, but I know I have to do it for him as much as I want to shelter him from the outside world as well. I wish I could explain it to him. I wish I didn’t cry out to him to get his hands out of his mouth, begging him to not do it. I feel just as anxious when we walk back in our house because I don’t want him to touch anything in case we were in contact with something that had the virus on it, but then I think well he already had his hands in his mouth. All I can do is pray and keep moving forward. Tomorrow I get a grocery delivery and I can have time to overthink that as well. You are not alone in this journey of life. I’m thankful for the laughter that Owen shared with me in between our moments of sadness and anxiousness. His smile is what keeps me going. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Today was filled with emotions. Lots of emotions. Some days all I want is calm. Today was one of those days, but there really wasn’t any calm to be found. But there were lots of smiles from my sweet baby O. He has not wanted to talk to his teacher or watch any of the videos that she has posted since he’s been out of school. It was such a hard transition for him. One day in school and the next gone with no real warning or me preparing him for a break. I always try to prepare him for the road ahead, but this was one of those things that what do I even say. “School’s broken”, that’s what my solution was. Anytime he would start to get upset I would tell him that school was broken. He understands the word “broken” so I thought it would help. That was when I thought this was only going to last a couple of weeks. Now how long can this go on. The older he gets the more his routine means even more to him. So here we are weeks out of school when routine and preparedness means everything and we have none of it. He wants the structure, but yet the structure he seeks is what we can’t have. I’ve been trying to get him to work on his schoolwork. His teacher has given it to him in paper form and also app-based. He’s been doing better with the apps, but still hasn’t really wanted to work on them. Every time I show him the papers he has screamed or thrown himself on the floor going into complete meltdown. He’s slowly been more accepting of at least looking at his work, but still upsets him. I’ve left the papers out where he could see them, but not push them on him. When I went to the bathroom I came back and he had one of his papers sitting next to him on his table. I felt like that was huge progress. I was so excited to see him looking at it. I’ve been trying to find similar exercises for him to go through, but to see him take his actual papers made me extremely happy. One step at a time I remind myself. I didn’t want to push him, but tomorrow that will be the first paper we work on. We went for our walk this evening and he was going through his math equations. “One plus one echoes two”, he said. And I thought, one plus one echoes my heart. He is my world. Through his smiles, I rejoice. Find some calm even in the storm for tomorrow will be a better day. You are not alone in this journey. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The morning was great, the afternoon was hard, and the night is sad. How do I help my baby. Regression with potty training, progress with words and emotions, and maintaining in many other ways. But we are both hurting. Our routine is gone. It’s how Owen thrives. And here we are not sure when things will change again. I have to focus on the positive side. I have to continue to concentrate on when I see his progress. His words are flourishing. He is getting to the point where he understands how happy hugs and kisses make me. He runs up and kisses me and stands back to watch me smile. He will then kiss me again, giggling as he runs away. He has now figured out that he can take one tablet and play a song, letting his other tablet record the song on the app that plays back the voice in a cartoon tone. He laughs hysterically as the song is mimicked back to him. It’s good to hear him laugh because he still has such a hard time with seeing schoolwork that his teacher has given him. Numerous times he has ended up in a ball on the floor crying over the papers he recognizes from his teacher. I have been trying to find other similar activities so that he is still learning the same things, but not upset about the papers we are looking at. I hold him as much as he’ll let me, but my hard breaks for him. How do you explain the unexplainable. All breaks are hard for him and here we are on one that I don’t know when it will end and if he will go back by the end of the school year. I have to focus on the positive, that’s what I keep telling myself. I am teaching him how to walk on the toy stilts. He did really well today, taking about six steps. He was able to step on the little buckets, hold up the strings and with me moving his legs a little bit he was inching his way forward. We didn’t go on our walk because it rained throughout the day so as he was drifting off to sleep he kept repeating “go for ride”. My heart aches knowing that is what he looks forward to and I can’t always give it to him. I remind myself again to focus on the accomplishment of the day and not the sadness that creeps in. Find hope and comfort in knowing you are not alone. We are in this together. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I prayed a lot today. I may or may not have had a few heart attacks along the way as well. Let’s just say my boy has been very creative on his ideas for fun. And I can’t wait until he can go back to gymnastics. I walked to the kitchen to get him more milk and I turned around to see him trying to catapult himself off of his small trampoline in attempts to fly through the basketball hoop. He then stood under it trying to put his head through the hoop itself. It’s his height so it was really easy for him to try and stick his head in it. I then convinced him to play traditional basketball. He’s been very expressive today, using lots of his words, and requesting different things throughout the day. He is getting really good about removing lids as I found out when I accidentally knocked over a jar of bubbles that we had played with. I thought the lid was on, but when he took them back out of the cabinet he must have opened them as well. I took him for a walk this evening. He knows where he wants to go and he will put his feet down when I don’t go the right way. I push him in his stroller, but that’s getting harder and harder to do. He likes to put his feet on the wheels to make me turn or he completely puts his feet on the ground causing me to stop. I try to explain to him that I can’t push him if he puts his feet on the wheels or ground, but I also see it as part of his agenda on what he wants to do. He wants to go a certain way and he wants to look at specific things on our journey. I think about how our world has changed over the last month and adapting to these changes have been difficult on us both, but the last few days it seems like he is handling it better and I hear him playing more of the videos that I’ve saved for him of friends and family, so I see progress and acceptance. I want to overthink everything, but instead, I’m going to breathe and remind myself that under the circumstances we are doing great, that’s what I’m convincing myself of. Owen’s smiling, laughing, and learning to express himself more and more each day. And that makes this momma happy. Through life’s challenges remember you are not alone. Keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Today has been emotionally tough for me. Every single thing seems to be overwhelming and tiring. With that being said I’ve accomplished a lot and made myself push through all of these moments. Owen likes to scream a lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot, a lot. Happy screams all day, but with a side of anxious screams here and there. I’ve tried to not let my emotions show because he can read me like a book. The two concerns for his day were me going to the bathroom and the vacuum cleaner. When I would go to the bathroom this used to cause him to scream as soon as I would walk towards it. He would pull the door shut, with him on the outside and scream. He did this several times in the morning. By the afternoon he stopped doing it, but my nerves were shot. Then the vacuum was his other greatest concern. He wanted it on, he wanted it off, he wanted to scream about, and he wanted to laugh when I was using it. He absolutely loves to watch videos about vacuums, but actually being around one is a rollercoaster and a half. He would turn on the vacuum while he was playing with his app that repeats the sounds back to him. This caused him to laugh hysterically about the vacuum and made him want to turn it on that much more. The parts of the day I’m trying to focus on is the love. He is learning to show his love and this is an amazing feeling. Many times throughout the day he walked up to me and kissed me. His words, “I wuv ewe” would follow. I feel and see such growth in him. I have been working with him on physical movements. He still watches his body move when he dances or does exercises. We sang “head shoulders mes and toes mes and toes” while working through the motions. He did the movements with me, singing all the way through the song several times, requesting “faster” after each round. Through emotions I told myself to keep pushing forward, to not let them win. By the end of the day, I was calmer, except when I went to the bathroom because I was still expecting Owen to scream. Tomorrow I promised myself I would be stronger and to be kind to my own heart. I’m thankful that Owen had a good day even in my emotional hodgepodge of soup. Be inspired, find your motivation, and know that this is one moment in time. We are in this together. Smiles to all and donut daze!
So, sometimes it’s nice to just breathe. I’m not happy about missing our daily life, our family, our friends, our church, our world, but a few weeks ago I said it would be nice to spend one day at home, all day. It’s something we never did. We were always on the go. So this is a little obsessive staying home every day, but we are learning to adapt and hopefully grow. It is hard being at home, not going where we want when we want, but it is making me appreciate life even more. However, I worry about my child and how all of this will negatively affect him, but I hear him singing and laughing and that calms my nerves. He doesn’t understand any of this. I wonder if I’m doing enough to keep us both focused and growing, not to mention safe. I can’t leave Owen alone for more than a few minutes at a time. It is an everyday thing, nothing changed about that. Going to the bathroom is one of those times that I have to do it, but I pray it isn’t the moment he wants to stand in the window and pretend he is Spider-Man. And then my mind wanders even further. He doesn’t really understand the idea of pretending he is Spider-Man. It’s not necessarily a concept that makes sense to him, but he does like to stand in our big picture windows and jump down from them. He is unaware of any danger in the world. It’s one of the reasons I wanted him to take gymnastics. I hoped it would teach him more about his surroundings and at least the safety aspect of where he was when he would stand on a ledge like that. He practiced his gymnastics moves today on his little tiny trampoline. His happiness exploded as he was jumping. There’s nothing better than hearing Owen yell “that's stupendous” as he goes through the motions. He’s now singing “head shoulder mes and toes” into the app that repeats it back to him in a cartoon voice. It’s been easier for him the last few days and I’m beyond thankful. I pray for calm in our ever-changing world, as I remind Owen to not put his dinner in between his toes. You are not alone in this journey. Together we can make a difference in this world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen had one of his best days yet during our quarantined journey so far. With that being said he had his moments, but I think I had more. I just wasn’t feeling great today. Everything was a struggle for me. No fever or that kind of thing, just my usual mix of thyroid fun with a side of arthritis and hemihypertrophy. Owen and I laughed a lot. He wanted to actually play with some of his toys, which he never does with me. We played basketball for close to an hour. I missed a basket at one point and he said, “you missed good job”. I had to laugh. I wonder if he ever realizes how funny he is. We sang a lot of songs, he played his drums, and while he was watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode he asked for a horn. There was a trumpet they were playing and he wanted one. I love how much he is into music. It truly makes me happy to hear him requesting a musical instrument or wanting to play the ones we have. I try to encourage him to play his drum and other instruments to work on his fine motor skills and dexterity. We painted together as well. He’s been asking more often to paint his own designs and not only the backgrounds with me. He felt more grownup to me. He was talking to me with more words, even though he still made a lot of his sensory noises. He even got the milk carton out of the refrigerator several times and gave it to me to fill his cup. I asked him if he wanted “shrimp, chicken, or a corndog” for lunch and he said fish. For dinner, I changed it up a little and asked if he wanted “shrimp, pizza, or a corndog”. He said fish again. Hey, he’s telling me what he wants I’m going to fix it. And he ate great today. The best party of the day though was dry underwear. That in itself was the victory of the day. It seems like I asked him a thousand times and made him go more than that, but he made it through his day. I told him many times that he was doing a fantastic job and he should be very proud of himself. He was king of repeat with his words, but I can tell when they are for a purpose and when he wants to push my buttons. Today’s were the button-pushing variety. The more I tried to ignore him the more he got right in my face, repeating the same words over and over. Ignoring the words and actions bring around other behaviors like his new favorite one, the act of sounding like he is hyperventilating. This was also thanks to a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode and at this time causes me almost to hyperventilate before I realize he is acting the part. All and all there were many more positive parts than anything else and the key was Owen was happy. Find your joy even in the rain because the sun will shine again. Know that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Smiles to all and donut daze!
To hear my baby happy is a joy. I needed those happy screams back in these trying times. He’s been happy all day, but he has also totally and completely decided he only has to use the potty when he wants to. He was laying on his trampoline, playing an app that mimics the words he says back to him. “Do you need to go potty it’s not a choice”, he said, this was seven pairs of underwear later. My heart aches for my little boy. Routine is how he thrives and right now is nothing but no-routine. I want to scream, shout, cry, huddle in the corner on the floor, but I have to keep pushing forward. I tried to tell Owen that we wouldn’t go on a walk if he kept wetting his underwear. He just screamed. How do you correct a behavior that I believe is triggered by emotions. I want calm for my baby. We walk out our door and that’s so scary to me. How do you keep a child that sticks their hands in their mouth constantly from sticking their hands in their mouth. We went for our walk late in the day. Owen never uses our porch rail, if anything I beg him to use it because he will jump down the steps and I’m always scared he’s going to fall. Today, before I could even wipe it down, he grabbed the rail and down the steps he went. And before I could get to him his hands were in his mouth. I push him in his stroller so he can’t go running from me when we are walking and he loves to “ride”, but we hadn’t even left our porch yet and I wanted to breakdown in tears. This daily walk is about the only thing Owen looks forward to now and I’m scared to even take him outside. I cried pushing the stroller, I cried when we got home, and then I told myself to get brave, be strong. I can tell you my nerves still feel like they are spaghetti, but I have to let today go. I have to focus on tomorrow and the tomorrows after that. This is one moment in time and we will get through this. Even in my struggles, Owen remained happy today, full of laughter and giggles. This is what I focused on, this is what I have to focus on. He had full conversations with the people he wanted to talk to even though he didn’t actually speak with any of them. He went through the conversations he’s had with them and said his lines and theirs. I was fascinated with how he did this and yet he didn’t want to actually talk to them. I tried to show him a video of his teacher this morning and within seconds of me starting it, he was next to me, turning off my phone. He screamed for twenty minutes and then when he was done he asked me to find the calendar in the App Store. This was what his teacher was working on in the video. I showed him the calendar on his tablet and I showed him our dry erase calendar that I got him. He’s wanted nothing to do with until today. One day at a time we will get through this. Find your strength, know that you are not alone, and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I feel like everything is changing by the second, but nothing is changing at all. Owen’s having a better day. Me, not so much. This whole grocery situation got me in a tailspin today. When did groceries become traumatizing I wondered. Here I’m trying to keep my baby safe and I can’t figure out how to wipe down a bag of bread properly. I have our groceries delivered so that helps tremendously, but I still worry. Owen has absolutely no fear of any of this, he only knows that his world has been completely turned upside down. We went for a walk at lunchtime. This helps us get through our days. When we were walking Owen kept talking about the windows in the buildings. He said, “starting windows turn off computer let's go inside”. His brain is amazing. I love the way he thinks through all of this. He’s very fascinated with computers and how they turn on. He will watch videos about how they are built and startup. He also loves to start our computer over and over again, watching the opening words fly across the screen. I was amazed at how he made the connection to the building’s windows and the computer saying starting windows. Last night was one of the roughest we’ve had yet. We both broke down in tears and I held him for hours. How do I explain any of this to him when I can’t explain it to myself. He hasn’t wanted to see videos or call anyone since we’ve been home. He would throw my phone if I tried to call someone or closed the apps as I would open them. Last night as I held him I called one of our friends and he was beside himself listening to the call. We were only on for a few moments and then we hung up. It was hard and emotional for both of us. Then he wanted to talk to his grandma. It took a couple of times for him to let me call her, but finally, he let the call go through. It was a short call again. When we hung up he wanted to talk to his teacher, but the screams and tears erupted bigger than before. I told him we could try another day. He asked about grandma again, so I quickly called her. This time he was calmer and I truly believe it helped him. He’s been more at peace today. I told him that he could talk to anyone he wanted at any time. He immediately asked to “call church”. I said we could, but he went on and on, listing the places and people he wanted to talk to. All his routine places were listed and the comfort of knowing he could talk to anyone seemed to help. He hasn’t wanted to talk to anyone today, but he acts more at peace than he has in weeks. We’ve had lots of laughs, hugs, giggles, and talks, which mostly consisted of vacuuming that he doesn’t want to do. Through the storm remember the sun will shine again. You are not alone. One day at a time, one moment, one breath, we are in this together. Be the change you want to see in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
More tears were shed last night as Owen fell asleep. Although not as many as the night before. He woke happy, asking about his schoolwork. He said, “math first” and then listed his apps that he uses at school. I felt a sense of relief for those words alone. He didn’t much want to actually do the work as the day wore on, but instead, his concern was for the vacuum cleaner. I wasn’t even vacuuming, but he asked about it constantly. And by constantly I mean constantly. For hours he asked about it. However, the little know clause is that he doesn’t like the vacuum cleaner in real life, only on videos. I tried to put it off as long as I could, but I knew if I didn’t bring out the vacuum he would continue to ask every five seconds for the rest of the day. I timed him once to see how often he really did repeat everything. Sometimes the words don’t even leave his mouth and he is already preparing to say the word again. And I have to prepare myself for his actions and reactions if I do or don’t respond. Me not responding creates the ripple effect and he keeps repeating it. Me responding gives him the satisfaction he is seeking, but the words do not stop. He will get nose to nose with me if he can and repeat even more. And if he can’t get in my face he will pull on me to get my attention. Once I got the vacuum out he started screaming for me to sit down and turn it off and it was even plugged in. I knew this would happen. He loves watching reviews of vacuum cleaners, but when it comes to the real thing he’s done. There are times though he will sit next to it and play with it, reciting the words from the videos he has watched. He kept walking to it and telling me to turn it off. After an hour I put it away again. I knew it would get worse for him if I left it out. He only asked me a couple more times through the night about it. I try to remember this is how he processes it and let it be as he needs it. I also struggle with letting him repeat something like this all day. I know this only makes it harder on him . I try to find a way to distract him and change his focus. This is easier said than done. As the day wore on it was harder and harder on Owen. He cried numerous times throughout the day, but the night was miserable. To see him struggling to process all of this breaks my heart. He cried and cried tonight. I was finally able to call a few people on the phone for him and he screamed, but I can tell after it was done he was calmer. These are trying times. The path we expected right now has taken many twists and turn. Remember you are not alone. We will learn and grow from the experiences we have today. Keep pushing forward and know tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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