I woke knowing that I could not convince my bladder to go back to sleep. I also knew it was a fifty-fifty shot it would wake Owen. And it did. Within ten minutes of me going to the bathroom, he was in my room with his tablet requesting my help. I told him it was still nighttime and he needed to go back to bed. I do not believe I had a convincing voice because he ran with his tablet and that was that. I heard the rain. I immediately started thinking about going to church. If my pants got wet Owen would go into panic mode, trying to dry them, and that would lead to a meltdown. I got a pair of my jeans and I splashed water on them. I showed him the whole process. I could see his face immediately change as I dripped the water on them. He put his hands to his eyes, covering one of them. The concern for my pants was overwhelming him and he wanted a paper towel to start drying them immediately. He grabbed at them but couldn’t rip one off. I tore one for him but I explained that it wouldn’t completely dry them. I said they would dry as they sat there. I put them on a chair so we could watch them dry. Surprisingly he left them but he would walk by them, covering one eye to look at them. He kept saying, “we don’t talk about pants.” He was still concerned as they dried but hopefully, this will help him to process when water gets on something. I know I need to continue working on this with him because yesterday when we came home I got a tiny spot of water on my jeans off the condensation from the bag of food I was carrying. He instantly noticed it. I repeated over and over and over it would be fine. I quickly moved the bag I was carrying and adjusted my purse to cover the water spot that was literally about the size of a quarter. I can only imagine how difficult the world can look to him. I notice more and more every day how one tiny thing shifted in one direction sends him into overdrive and he has to set it right. When we left for church this morning I prayed as we walked out the door for no rain but I didn’t even think about the leaves scattered randomly across the sidewalk, dotted here and there. Owen went to each one of them, picking them up and moving them back to the grass. He doesn’t understand he can’t pick everything up or that something could be dangerous to him. I ushered him quickly passed the rest of the leaves and into the car. I try to find a middle ground between helping him understand some things can’t be changed and shouldn’t be changed and the difference between having an opinion or needing order and routine in his life when he views the world. He doesn’t have to adapt to everything in our world when none of what he wants is necessarily wrong but he does have to understand that not everyone or everything can or will adapt to what he wants because people get to have choices as well. And you can’t stop leaves from falling or rain from ruining your parade. All I can do is pray and remind him to have kindness and grace towards others like we want them to give us. I think this is helping him because he mention “blue pants” a few times today but none of it was with the anxiousness of days gone by. I’m hoping we are making progress and the routine of school will help him to focus on other things. I will be happy to talk with the specialist in September to see if they can help us with our journey. He started talking about seeing his teacher tomorrow and he asked about her all day. This filled my heart with joy. He knows he’s riding the bus in the morning and I’m beyond thankful he is finally accepting it is now August and he is seeing his beloved teacher again. He’s had a good day and I’m praying that he sleeps tonight so he will be ready for his day tomorrow. His laughter filled the house today and that is the joy I needed. Be kind to your heart, dance in the rain, and let the world see you smile. I promise someone needs to see it. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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I woke to every single noise last night thinking it was Owen but it was my anticipation of how Friday nights usually go. Instead, he slept until a few minutes after six. It was glorious. I told him to go to the bathroom before he got his tablet. He knew he was going to grandma’s house today and he told me as soon as he was out of the bathroom. It was a slow-moving morning but I started getting dressed. He said “pants” not “blue pants”. He just said pants. Just pants. Not blue pants. I am shouting for joy with the one simple word. Not hearing the word “blue” attached to what I was wearing gave me a sense of relief that we might be pushing forward ever so slightly. I knew I’d hear “blue pants” again as that day wore on but at least for that moment he was calm. He said earlier that Spider-Man wore red pants. I was thankful for this as well. He likes Spider-Man and if he can relate his pants to any other color besides blue that’s also progress. He finished eating his breakfast and we got ready to go to grandma’s house. He didn’t mention my shoes and he only said one time “blue pants we don’t talk about blue pants” and I told him we can talk about it but we have to give people kindness and grace if they aren’t wearing it. We got out the door without another mention. He had a great time with grandma and then we went to the park with our friends. He did great and I think the park wore him out. When we got home we both kept eating it seems. He was going through all the days of the week ahead. He said he was going to see grandma on Tuesday and I said who are you going to be with on Tuesday trying to get him to tell me his teacher. And with that, he said her name. He came back a second later and said, “mommy gonna pick me up on Thursday.” He’s got that right so we can go to his therapy sessions. So much progress it felt like. He was eating his requested shrimp. I put a wet napkin next to him, which I do a lot of times, but this time I said use it on your hands after each bite. He was kind of doing it. I wonder if he will ask for his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger or fish tomorrow on the way home from church since he enjoyed it so much the other day. He was very calm and I’m thankful for that. I’m trying to explain to him I’m sad because I lost my brother but there is no way possible for him to completely understand this. But I do know he understands I am sad and he was trying to make me happy by hugging me. I needed these victories today. I’m thankful for a good day when I needed it most. Tomorrow is church and he is ready to go and I am ready to sit in the sanctuary of God’s grace. Every step is a step. The smallest of steps can be the hugest of victories. Keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I woke numerous times last night as the world spun around me. I kept hearing noises and thought it was Owen. He slept until after seven though. We are going to have to adjust his sleeping over the next few days so he wakes up in time for the bus on Monday. He can’t wait to go see his grandma tomorrow so it’s “anticipation Friday.” I will be shocked if he sleeps all through the night. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with which skill I should try to help Owen with or in what particular order or which way I should do it and the list goes on and on. There are many other aspects with his sensory needs, muscle control, and tone that I want to work on with him as well. He is biting his finger a lot more now but at least he isn’t biting through the skin. Then I have to decide is it his age, autism, or Owen, and I’m sure there are combinations of this and other aspects that I’m not even thinking of. My sweet baby O is brilliant and keeping him active, moving forward, and happy is my goal. But I also have to remember I’m human. He was very happy when he woke up this morning. I wanted to work with him on waving hi. This is still a hard skill for him. When I go through the steps I will raise my arm and ask him to do it with me. Instead, he wants to hold my hand in the sky. When I do get him to wave his hand he turns it towards himself but this is huge progress. He wanted to look for a treasure chest. I wasn’t quite sure if it was in a game or if he was becoming a pirate. We’ve been talking about both lately. He then wanted a “gift and present.” I tried to explain they were the same thing but you could refer to them with each name. He screamed more times than I could count. Mostly they were happy screams but I still find myself responding extremely quickly to keep him from having meltdowns. I tried to stay ahead of my emotions today. I miss my brother. Anytime I would be sad though it is hard on Owen. He makes this guttural noise and growls if I cry when he can’t handle it. I have to push forward. I tell him all the time I love him and mommy being sad happens sometimes. If I bring up my brother he will talk about seeing “uncle wichard.” I said, “you know what” and he said, “I love you.” He was full of many wonderful words and conversations as the day went on. “Hi hippo it’s a potamus,” he said as he was watching an alphabet video and a hippopotamus flew across the screen. He then was watching motorcycles and he said, “Owen ride a motorcycle let’s go ride a motorcycle. Owen likes motorcycle.” I may or may not have accidentally said, “so now you want to go ride a motorcycle and he said, “yes” and was expecting us to do it. It was an excellent conversation though. We were going to go to the park with our friends but they couldn’t make it. I told him we could go without them and he said, “it’s too late.” It was ten in the morning but I’ve told him that before when it was after dinner or too dark. “Chocolate milk and veggie straw,” he asked for and said very clearly. We have been working on the pronunciation of words because he is now pushing all his words together. I tell him mommy knows what he means but we want everyone to hear and understand his words. I told him that his tablet was charging and that after he finished his dinner he could have it. I went to the bathroom and came back out. His plate was clean. I thought wow that was fast because I thought he had a lot more shrimp to eat but maybe not as much as I thought. He threw it all away and put his empty plate back on the table. He got his tablet and asked for more food. I cooked him more because he said he was hungry and I didn’t realize he threw the other away until I went to throw something in the trash. He finished his second dinner. He ran from the kitchen and got in my bed before I could stop him. The shrimp that was all over him went straight into my bed. Some days I feel like I’m not doing enough but when he got into my bed all covered in shrimp I stood next to the bed wanting to cry and then he said, “sit right here.” I sat right there. My tears turned to joy as his smile lit up the room. Nothing else matters. He’s happy and he knows I love him. I went back to the kitchen to clean up and his tablet battery went out. Instant gratification is the thing now. I told him I would take care of it in just a minute when I was done. He brought the cord and his tablet to me. He doesn’t understand the cord needs to be in the outlet. I’m thankful for his laughter that kept my blues away. We learn, we love, we grow. Keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I keep thinking about how our days forward are always influenced by our days gone by. Owen woke around four and thankfully I convinced him to go back to sleep. He then slept until a little after seven. School starts Monday. We might need to adjust our sleeping a little bit. Today was one of those days he couldn’t process everything. He was in a good mood but sometimes it is still very hard for him to comprehend. He knew he was going to grandma’s house, he wanted to go, but he couldn’t concentrate on the actual going to grandma’s house. It took him over two hours to eat his breakfast. I said to him numerous times that we could go and he didn’t want to leave his waffles. At this point, I said if he didn’t get ready he wouldn’t have enough time to go see his grandma because of his therapy. He finally got going. I have to remember my expectations are different than his expectations and the way I process things is different than how he processes things. He also has no true concept of time yet he completely understands it. I’ve been told to push through it all and continue to go places and he will get used to it or adapt. This is not always true nor does it constantly or consistently work. Owen likes to spend several hours with his grandma on Saturday. He also likes the routine of this. One Saturday he could not stay as long because my parents had plans. I dropped him off, stayed gone for about an hour, and came back with a salad and pizza for our lunch. I brought the food in and stayed in the kitchen. I didn’t talk to him and started eating. I thought this would give him more time for his routine. He heard me and he had a huge meltdown. He was crying and pushing me to leave. He couldn’t handle it. I left. I came back in about thirty minutes after my mom texted me he was calmer and now expecting me. She talked to him about what they were doing and why he couldn’t stay. She tried to explain to him about our schedule but he only understood his schedule. It can be crushing and nerve-racking to know what you say, do, or change will bring an instant meltdown to him. And it isn’t in just that moment. His actions and reactions can be hours, days, weeks, months, and even years later. He does not forget a thing. I have to push forward on everything I do. I picked him up from my mom’s house and I took him to therapy. I talked to his physical therapist about his leg and foot turning more inward. He was evaluated for this when he was younger but over the last month, it seems as though he has been stumbling over it more. As his body changes he will continue to need exercises and adjustments in dealing with this. His therapist is starting to do exercises to help with his posture, hips, and legs. There are so many parts to all of this. When we left therapy he wanted his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger. I told him we were going someplace different and getting him fish. I have been talking about this with him for about a month now so he could build up to it. Today was the day to get the fish. He was a little confused but as we went through the drive-thru he started saying he was getting fish. When we got home I put it on his plate and he said, “it’s delicious it’s fish.” He ate it all. I got him the three-piece. I forget how much he eats now. He was happy the rest of the evening and told me about his days ahead. This all felt like tiny little victories. I pray for these victories. Some days when I don’t feel like I do enough or miss something that feels like it should have been so obvious I remind myself that we have come so far. I can’t judge his book by the cover or even what’s written inside because we are still writing the pages. Until our story is done there are many more victories to be had. The hardest part should be the easiest thing and that is being kind to your own soul. We weren’t born with all the answers and trying to compare ourselves to another story is not fair to the victories we have obtained. Cheer yourself on and let the world see you shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept until well after seven. I was thankful for that. I want to expect he will sleep through every night but that feels like the impossible dream. When he woke he immediately started talking about going to the pool with his friend. I said, did you have a good day yesterday and he smiled but didn’t say anything. I told him we were going to the pool but it wouldn’t be until in the afternoon. He was very calm this morning, having a few moments but nothing too heavy. I on the other hand had a lot of moments. Life happens when you have something else planned. And today was no once upon a storybook time. Owen didn’t eat much but he told me what he wanted when he wanted it and ate exactly that. All of my food suggestions went by the wayside. He had one objective today and he couldn’t wait to be Spider-Man in the pool. Before we went to the pool we watched some videos and he has been looking at the alarm clock again, especially the hands moving. He was telling me each of the times starting at seven o’clock and then he said it’s thirteen o’clock. How do you explain a twenty-four-hour clock and I wonder what country is teaching him time? I’m sure he is learning it from some video. He was excited and full of words when we went to the pool. Our friends' whole family came to the pool today so we had extra help. I can’t run after him and once he gets something in mind that’s what he wants. We got there right when they were doing the pool check but we were able to sit in the kiddie pool. There were tons of other kids in it with lots of toys. He kept taking all of their toys and putting them on the edge of the pool. A little boy asked him if he splashed him and how old he was. Owen didn’t answer. He doesn’t know how to answer those questions like that but we are working on this skill. When the big pool opened again he wanted to go on the “slide”. He probably went down it ten or fifteen times at least. There were several kids in front of the ladder to get out of the pool and he didn’t know how to ask them to move. This was causing him some frustration. I could tell it was about time we left because he was getting tired and he was on sensory overload. I’ve been signing more to him lately and he isn’t objecting. The ride of the rollercoaster. He used to pull my hands apart when I would try to sign with him. I let him slide a few more times and on one of them, he went completely under. He wasn’t scared, he didn’t cry, and he didn’t get water in his lungs. He was a little shocked though and didn’t go under the last time. I kinda made sure he didn’t. I gave him a few minutes back in the kiddie pool and then we left. The evening was calm and we were both exhausted. It was a good day but a tiring day. The emotions are still draining me from all the emotions of this week. I have a few more hurdles to jump through but I will get there. When we were leaving the pool it was like he finally was acknowledging August. He said, “Thursday grandma therapy Friday be with mommy Saturday grandma Sunday church and Monday school.” He then said his teacher’s name and told me he was going to ride the bus. I wanted to cry and jump for joy. He can only process what he can only process when he can process it. And today was the day for processing. I’m beyond thrilled he is accepting that Monday is school. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. The days can be daunting sometimes but then the light shines and God be the glory. Answers come. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I woke a million times last night it seemed. I didn’t go to sleep until well after two. The clock struck midnight and it was Richard’s birthday. I woke and it was still his birthday and no Richard. I tried not to think about it but there I was thinking about it. Thankfully Owen slept until after seven. I wondered if I would have to wake him for his therapy appointment this morning. We don’t have a regular schedule with this one so it’s not a routine thing for him but he loves going. This morning, however, when I told him we were going he said, “no.” After several nos, I said I would go by myself then. He immediately started saying his therapist’s name. I knew he wanted to go I just think he can’t process his actions and reactions sometimes. “No” was the word of the day though. Once he got going he was ready to get going. He couldn’t wait to see everyone at the office. I talked to him on the way there about the kindness and grace that we needed to give everyone instead of talking about their blue pants or lack thereof and treating them how we want to be treated. He did amazing. He mentioned blue pants only twice but was calm the whole time we were there. During his session, I was talking to his therapist and said we were going to go to breakfast. I wanted to gauge his response because this was surprise number two for him. He said, “no no breakfast today.” I was waiting for that. I told him grandma was going to meet us. He said it again and again and again. I was waiting for that too. I said that’s fine I’ll go to breakfast with grandma. His reply, “grandma grandma”. We went to breakfast with my parents and he did amazing. He didn’t have a meltdown and he used his fork. Those were the two big things. He kept looking under the table to make sure she had the right pants on but at least he was calm. I told him that he could use his words and have a conversation with us about how he was feeling. I like him to understand he is allowed to express emotions. He thought for a moment and said, “I’m fine in the breakfast.” And indeed he was. We talked about going to the park. This was another hot topic that was given the “no” answer one more time. I said, then grandma and I will go by ourselves. He said, “no park today” and he stuck with that the whole time to the car. I told my mom that we would try and if he didn’t want to we would go home. We pulled up to the park and he said, “grandma”. I told him they were already parked. We got out and he did amazing. He swung first and then he wanted to go on the slide I don’t let him go on because he never goes down the slide he just climbs up the ladder and tries to hang there. I told him if he didn’t go down he wouldn’t be able to go anymore. He started up the ladder and my mom followed him. He always hangs on the ladder of this particular slide for some reason. It’s a very old-school slide to me and he loves it. After me telling him numerous times he finally went down it. And again and again and again. I lost count but maybe close to fifty times. After a while, his grandma had to leave and we stayed for almost another hour. He cried when his grandma left and I told him that it was okay to show his emotions and he would see her again on Thursday. It took him a couple of minutes to stop crying but he said didn’t want to leave and then he was happy again. He said, “see grandma Thursday.” He did amazing, even letting others take turns. He swung a little more and then I told him it was time to go. He wanted to stay. No means yes unless it means no and then sometimes it’s a maybe. I didn’t let his word dictate my emotions today. Some days that feels impossible and one meltdown after another happens but today he did beautifully and I told him that every step of the way. I was happy about the park. He sang in French all the way home. It was a couple of songs and the alphabet, which I had no clue he knew. When we got home we played some and danced in the kitchen. That’s one of my favorite things we do. He swings his arms with mine and his eyes light up as we dance. He was fiddling with his tooth and he looked at me. Before I could say a thing he said, “lose a tooth it’s growing in” because he always says he is losing it and I tell him he is not but it is growing back in. Today was emotional but today was also filled with amazing progress. I pray for a good tomorrow. We are going over to our friend's house to swim in their pool. He is excited. I’m thankful for today and all the good memories that floated through my head about my brother. Kindness and grace are a gift for our future. Love goes forward when it is shared from the start. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept. It was after six before I heard him run to get his tablet and then to the bathroom. I can’t tell you how many times I was awake. My phone kept going off during the night for weather-related events near us and my heart was crying like the rain that was falling. Thankfully we are fine but there is more hurt for my surrounding community. Today was emotional. Tomorrow will be more emotional. It’s my brother’s birthday. This does not get easier and hasn’t even been a year. Grief is hard. Our morning went fast and owen made it very clear he didn’t want to go anywhere. He threw away his brand new Spider-Man socks my mom got him because I opened the drawer to get the scissors to take them apart. Anytime I open this one particular drawer he will come running from wherever he is to shut it. It’s the middle drawer in the kitchen, the junk drawer, but it can never be left opened and anything associated with it makes him upset. How do you stop using a drawer that you use all the time and as soon as I move the stuff this rule will be rewritten and he will move forward. I put his socks down for a minute to put away the scissors and they were gone. Later, I found them in the trash. He doesn’t forget a thing. He wanted to go into his old room that used to have his crib so he could get in it with his stuffed deer named “Buck.” Let me say that again, he doesn’t forget a thing. He came to me wanting “animal sounds song cars.” I wasn’t sure what this was but he was in my room pointing to where our craft supplies are kept but I told him there were no cars in there. Then he told me to come here. He started watching a video with a lady singing an animal sounds song. She was showing papers with pictures that he was calling cars. He said, “animal sounds song cars.” He wanted to make cards. I got paper and crayons and we sat there making these beautiful pictures. He made a cow, duck, dog, and owl. He wrote the name of each on all four and then the sound they make on three. Then he said he was done and ran to the bathroom. It was incredible. He wanted to do this. It was his idea. I held his hand a couple of times and his animals nor letters were truly clear but this was God’s gift to us today. I’ve had so many personal challenges, defeats, and sadness lately that I prayed all morning for a calm day. He was calm but also extremely loud and hyper. It’s such an interesting contrast but then there it was, he wanted to draw these glorious pictures. I needed these moments with him. I needed this confirmation. The day was full. He wanted to take his shirt off so he could go swimming with Spider-Man at the pool. I said we could go on Wednesday if it wasn’t raining. He said, “take a bath.” I told him it would be a couple of minutes and he said, “thirty seconds.” I told him it would take me a little bit longer. I was getting ready to eat my yogurt and I offered it to him. He wanted my yogurt and I kept trying to hand him the spoon but he wanted me to feed it to him in between bites of veggie straws, laughing the entire time. I needed these moments. He hasn’t wanted yogurt in quite some time. The rest of the night went quickly and so did he. He requested shrimp for lunch and dinner and after his dinner meal off to the “white bed,” he went, and before I could stop him all the shrimp particles swam into my bed. I got him out of my bed and cleaned up. We sang together and then it was bedtime “Mommy’s bed,” he said, clearly wanting to go back to where the shrimp were. Owen needs to stay in Owen’s bed, I said. He said, “No mommy’s bed.” And I said, “you put shrimp in my bed.” “No shrimp mommy’s bed,” he said. And with that, he was out. We have so much stuff everywhere. I’m always thinking it will make me happy or Owen needs some new object to work on a certain skill. It is just stuff. The moments I had with him are what matter. The reflection of today is looking back on these moments, these incredible memories that got me through an extremely hard day. God did not necessarily answer the prayer I wanted but instead gave me the gift I needed. Tomorrow we have a therapy appointment and other plans. He doesn’t know about any of them because I wanted him to sleep tonight. I pray for that. Today my memories are filled with progress and laughter and tomorrow they will be carried in my heart. Count your victories no matter how big or small they are, count them all. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I said, “are you going to church with mommy” and he said, “me and mommy are going to church today.” I love when he uses words together to express his thoughts. I delight in hearing his voice articulate any combination of words when he is talking about something he loves or wants to do. Owen slept until a little after eight, the stark contrast from yesterday always amazes me. I keep praying the sleep specialist will do an in-depth study on how his brain works or maybe it’s like mine. I talked to him before we left home about everyone not wearing blue pants at church and that we had to show kindness to all. I told him that if he yelled at anyone we would have to come home and wouldn’t be able to see his friends if he couldn’t handle it. I asked him if he was prepared for that. I told him if he wasn’t we wouldn’t be able to go to church. He immediately went to get his shoes. So this was the point I stopped in my tracks. He never gets his shoes without me asking him. Maybe once or twice before but I really can’t think of any time, in particular, he has done this. I didn’t even push making him get himself ready today. I asked him to put them on but he only put one leg in and then I helped him with the other one. He has been struggling with putting his second leg in his pants. It’s like his mind stops him and has to straighten the pants for the leg he has already put in. He goes around in circles continuing to move one leg up and down so it moves off his foot. It’s like an intricate dance with him trying to keep one leg completely straight which makes it impossible for him to put his other leg in. So many steps his mind goes through. We finished getting dressed and off we went. I prayed and prayed and prayed the same prayer up the drive to the church, “please God do not let him have a meltdown.” I just wanted to get him to his classroom. We made it. We even stood in the doorway talking to one of the church members before we headed to the elevators. Not one mention of blue pants, not one mention, until he did. We walked into his classroom and he said, “blue pants” but he was calm and ran off to play. On our way home I talked to him about the blue pants. I told him I was proud of him for not mentioning them and I know that God would be too. He got his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger on the way home. He’s requested all the food he wanted today but he hasn’t been using the word “please” like he forgot that was an option. I remind him about his manners with please and thank you. He asked me to cut his toenail and every time he does I say a little thank you to God. I prayed he could tell me that so many times when he was younger. I’m thankful for his words and every connection he makes. It’s not always easy for him to say what he needs or wants so his words mean the world to me. He was running through the house with his tablet to his head listening to it like an old boom box. It always makes me laugh a little. His belly gut laughter was the medicine I needed today and put a smile on my face. Today is the bridge for tomorrow. Grow from the challenges of yesterday and know that every step forward is a step closer to making your dreams come true. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Friday nights are always interesting. Owen woke by one. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more he would go back to sleep. He did not. He wanted to scream about it too. I tried everything I could think of to get him to go back to sleep. But it was Friday night and that is the no-sleeping night because he has to get ready for grandma’s house. He got into my bed and every two seconds he said, “grandma grannnddma grandmaaaa.” Does it take two seconds to say, grandma? It was a lot. And then dispersed in there would be “tablet” but it wasn’t as big of a concern. Exhausting doesn’t quite cover it. He couldn’t focus on anything else besides getting to grandma’s house. We had gotten past Friday with him wanting to stay home because he didn’t want to go on a trip again but I knew Friday night would be an all-nighter. The night stretched into the morning and it was finally time to go to grandma’s house. The blue pants problem is a problem. He has so much support walking him through these days and yet it doesn’t seem to change anything. He’s had these behaviors before but the emotions attached to this are so much stronger. Plus, he is now really increasing how he says the opposite of what is happening or what he is seeing. This is hard. He says it’s raining when it’s not, something is happy when it is sad, and will say it’s a man when it’s a woman, all the opposite things as well and the list goes on. I keep hoping that we will get more answers when we go to the specialists in September. I’m hoping as the team evaluates him they will be able to offer more structured advice to push us through these waves and cycles of emotions. It’s all so much. I keep trying to talk him through it, giving him structured times to talk about it, and limited access to his triggers but when the entire world is a trigger that is impossible to do unless we go nowhere and he still will watch a video, look at a book, or talk about a stuffed animal that does or does not have blue pants. Even when he cannot see the person or the character’s pants he will talk about it. I breathe. He broke his blue glasses when he was at grandma’s today. I’ve been letting him decide what glasses he wants to wear and I am hoping by doing this he won’t break his real glasses again. His grandma gave him some other glasses to wear if he wanted them and he proudly wore donut glasses. By the time we left there, he was half asleep. Somehow he stayed up for several more hours and ate a pretty good dinner. He asked about church several times, and said he would be with mommy on Monday, then change it to go to the pool on Monday and ride the train on Tuesday. I’m not quite sure if he wants to ride the real train again or if it’s something else he is trying to explain. Time will tell. I’m not sure what days we will do what but I’m hoping he will actually want to go. One more week until school starts. I’m hoping when he goes back to school his teacher may have some more insight on how to redirect our blue pants world. He kept me on my toes today but his big belly gut laugh and that huge grin kept me going. He was exhausted but really cranky and a little after eight he was out. I wanted to try to keep him up later but his eyes were so heavy and as soon as he was in bed he was out and that was mid-sentence stating “no bed today.” Tomorrow is a brand new day and I have to focus on the good stuff. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
We sat. Well mostly I sat and Owen played. This made him very happy. He slept until after nine in the morning. I couldn’t believe it. I truly couldn’t believe it. He woke in a very calm manner and immediately went to the bathroom. I wasn’t feeling great this morning so calm was exactly what I needed. I fixed his breakfast and he ran around like he usually does. He wasn’t screaming very much though. Because I was sitting partly and because he was saying every few minutes “be with mommy.” He did not want to go anywhere and he wanted me to know it. I asked him if he wanted to go to the pool, I thought I’d try. “No,” he said followed by several more nos. And that was that. I didn’t want to push my luck. I did absolutely nothing most of the day so that helped him. The couple of times I went to the bathroom he ran to see where I went and he said, “be with mommy” each time, I think so I wouldn’t get any ideas about getting dressed and going someplace. When I sat back down he would sit on top of me until he knew I was sitting and not going anywhere. When I would walk anywhere in the house he would run after me. He used to do this a lot more than he does it now. It was like he wanted to make sure there was no secret exit somewhere. He ate pretty well and I was happy when he asked for a sandwich for lunch. He didn’t pick at it. He’s doing so well with taking bites of his sandwich and putting them down. He did great until someone started mowing their grass. I can’t wait until the mowing season is over. He always gets anxious and looks outside when they are mowing. This caused him to then see that someone parked in front of our house and they didn’t say hi to him. I distracted him after a while with a video he loves. He asked me to sit with him and wanted me to watch the video. This made me happy he didn’t go into a meltdown because the person didn’t say hi. When we were watching the video he wanted me to order him an “Old MacDonald robot” but thankfully he likes the Mickey Mouse animated character that sings it that I got him so hopefully this will do. I’m trying to figure out how to explain numbers to him and that you can read each number or group them in thousands, tens, and ones. He was wanting me to look up a video for him and I read the numbers individually and not as a whole number. I’m glad he understood I was saying it different though. He wants instant gratification when he needs something. His tablet ran out of battery and he brought it to me. I had something else in my hands but he took my hand anyways to plug in his tablet. I try to explain to him he can’t do that. Luckily it was nothing in my hands that broke when he pulled on them but I always have to be on my toes for these moments. I had gotten different magnetic chargers for his tablets that he was doing really well with but they stopped working quickly so it was then hard to transition him back to asking me to plug them in for him. But we keep moving forward. Every step is a step and that is good. He was ready for bed and I’m praying tonight is another great night of sleep but I’m prepared because it’s Friday night and he will be ready to see grandma tomorrow. I’m thankful for his songs and smiles today. Kindness starts in our own heart. Always remember you can do anything you set your mind to. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
April 2024
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