Owen came to my bed well after three. I think he was more asleep than awake but here he was. He got into bed with me but would not move over me. As it is I already sleep on the edge of my bed, always have, and then he wanted to sleep between me and the edge. I told him I couldn’t hold him. Long gone are the days that I can hold him and especially when he is right on the edge of the bed. He is solid as a rock now. He started to finally move but then he was laying across me. I told him he had to keep going. He finally made it to the other side of me and slept for another four hours. He even slept through me getting up. On the other side of the bed, I have a bed rail to prevent him from falling off that direction. To say the day was emotional is probably the biggest understatement I can make. This week has been hard. I keep telling myself to jump over the hurdles and get to the other side. But that’s been hard. Every single thing is something right now. I never childproofed my house because I never had to childproof my house. Now he wants the lights off or some of the doors a certain way, the locks turned the direction he needs them to be and the list goes on and on. I’ve added extra locks and tried to talk to him about the lights but everything is getting harder for him unless it is exactly like he wants it. After he woke I told him he was going to see his grandma. He was beyond ready immediately. He wanted to clarify that I was going to leave. He needs to know all the steps and he is very concerned that we are going on a trip again. I dropped him off and went to my appointment. When I picked him up later he was calm but still had an edge about him. We had to stop at our house before we went to his therapy. I told him all the steps so he would understand. Thankfully he did fine. After his therapy, we were dropping some donations off at our church. I wasn’t sure how this would go for him but I told him exactly what was going to happen. He had a great therapy session and then we were off to church. All his therapists had on blue pants today and that made him happy. I told him once we got to church we could go inside and ride the elevator if he wanted or we would drop it off and go get his chicken nuggets and cheeseburger. As soon as we got there I took the stuff out and put it on the curb. Our church friend came out and was not wearing blue pants. I had Owen’s door open but he was still belted in. He immediately told her she had to leave because she wasn’t wearing blue pants and then he started crying. I wanted to cry with him. I wish someone had answers. He’s stuck in a cycle and I don’t know how to get him out of it. As soon as we drove off he was back to being interested in his tablet and the food we were going to get. When we got home he was happy as a lark. He said multiple times for the rest of the night that “Friday be with mommy.” He is not interested in going anywhere. I told him we could even go to the pool but I think he is too afraid we will be on a long trip again. This is the problem with anything out of routine. I never know when it is going to cause the ripple effect that could last for years. He still flips on the light switch by the front door and says “power’s on.” This is a result of our power being off for over twelve hours one day because someone hit a telephone pole and it happened years ago. Thankfully he was ready for bed and was out as soon as his head was on the pillow. Tomorrow I pray that I can find the right words for him to move on from the blue pants. I pray and I pray and I pray for him to find calm in his mind with this. His laughter was loud and vibrant today, echoing through the house and bringing happiness to my heart that I sure needed. If staying home tomorrow will bring that sound again that’s what we’ll do. Our life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Find your happiness and know that you can move mountains if you believe in yourself. Another one I need to remember. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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The day started off rocky. But I saw the most amazing sight. Owen picked up the cut-up portion of his breakfast sandwich as one whole bite. I made him a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant. Usually, he picks at sandwiches and pulls them apart in pieces unless I remind him as he takes every bite to pick it up. He woke by two in the morning and that was that. He was in my face yelling about everything, wanting milk, and he was not going to his room or back to sleep. I stayed in bed listening to his happy screams at the top of his lungs with his tablet and then the tv. He was beside my bed again before I could even consider going to sleep. I was up completely at this point. A few minutes later with coffee in hand, I was ready to forage for food and look for a superhero cape or at least a Spider-Man costume. “Sit right here,” he said. I did. I wanted him as calm as possible today. I didn’t want the rollercoaster of emotions like yesterday. Not every moment of our day is only about him and yesterday, not one thing went the way I wanted it to or thought it would or needed it to. But I learned a lot about myself. And now to find a new pathway. Owen was watching a video on the tv. He’s figured out how to cast a video from his tablet to the tv so he gets it started on his tablet and then puts it on the tv and watches something else on his tablet at the same time. He was watching a recording of a video game on the tv and there was a bear with an outline of lips on his cheek and he said, “it’s a kiss.” I said, “can you give me a kiss on my cheek” and he came to me, looked at the bear, and then kissed my cheek. He is still figuring this out. For the longest time, he always thought a kiss was for me to give him and it could only be on his forehead. As the day wore on I was playing a game with him on his tablet and he took the tablet from me and said, “take a coffee break.” I think he really knew how much I needed it but I laughed because I didn’t think he knew that expression. He was watching a video and he started saying his interpretation of the words. “I so mad I so sad oh no that’s a sad face,” repeating the words over and over. He will then use these phrases when he is trying to communicate with me but they are not always relevant to what we are talking about. I have to connect his words to why he might be saying them or what they mean and he will randomly say words like “elephant” that have no connection to what we are talking about. I didn’t make the laundry mistake today but I did talk about the “blue pants” and how we had to be kind to people that aren’t wearing blue pants. I hope by continuing to talk about kindness it will make a difference with him. We grow, we learn, we love. I’m thankful for his progress today and I pray for a great day for him tomorrow. He doesn’t know it yet but if all goes according to plan he will see his grandma for a few hours tomorrow before his therapy. I have to remind myself of this but keep pushing forward and tomorrow is a brand new day. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen slept until after six. He woke in a quiet mood but he was happy. “Be with mommy” was repeated over and over again. I said yes but we could go someplace. He screamed, “no.” When do you push, when do you sit? I feel like I have no answers anymore. He was very hungry, eating more than he has in days. He asked for exactly what he wanted and I love hearing that. It’s only a couple more weeks until he goes back to school. The routine, the structure will be so good for him. I tried to do small tasks today. It never seems like I accomplish enough to stay ahead of the tasks. But laundry was the task at hand. I do not know why I tried. It’s been one of Owen’s emotional triggers lately but staying up at night has not been as easy for me and “blue pants” have to be washed. His first meltdown was because I was folding towels. I stopped. Then I was trying to explain that if I don’t do laundry we can’t go places. This was not the way to explain it. The meltdown left me in tears and him laughing hysterically, walking away with his tablet, playing his game. How can this be so hard on my baby? Clothes are only supposed to be on the bed when we are getting dressed to go someplace. When did it get to this point, why didn’t I see this coming, how do I change this? And I’m sure I’m missing the point or the cues or the right answer. Once I sat, with no more laundry on the bed he was so happy. He heard thunder and ran to me, thinking I had moved. He wanted no more laundry done, no more unexpected movements from me, no extra words or suggestions of places to go or things to do. He wanted me to “sit right here” where he could see me and interact with me whenever he needed me to respond to one of his cues. So many emotions ran through my heart all day. I pray for guidance. I pray for strength. I pray for Owen’s maturity level and brain to catch up with each other. He asked me for a robot that sang “Old MacDonald” and he followed that with ones in Russian, Arabic, and German. He has what he wants in mind though because I’ve showed him several I could order and he runs from me. He has watched videos of the same one he has but the videos are in other languages so he thinks they come that way. I love that he is enthusiastic about playing with them though. Today was heavy. I told Owen “I love you” over and over. I want him to hear that more than my tears that wash down my face. I tried to focus on all the positive moments instead of my own sadness from all the corners of my world that he doesn’t even comprehend. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I try to focus on the plan God has in store for us instead of my own plan. Owen is already telling me he doesn’t want to go anywhere but hopefully, I can convince him otherwise. Maybe I can find a tall elevator somewhere and he’ll want to go. He requested to “watch the movie” as he fell asleep. He cycles through different choices of what he wants to watch and currently it’s the man playing the handpan drum that he calls “the movie.” He told me he loved me as he fell asleep. Our life is not always easy to explain but the love sure is. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
A very sleepy Owen was standing next to my bed right about midnight. I had been drifting in and out of sleep at that point and noises had woken me several times so I figured they did for him too. He thankfully crawled into bed with me without so much as a word and went right back to sleep. From there he slept like a rocket ship flying from planet to planet. Part of the problem I suppose is all the pillows I have on my bed but even in his bed, it seems like he continues to do flips. He didn’t wake again until six and when he did he was very calm with one thing on his mind, the pool. I opened a cabinet door to get out the ingredients for our breakfast and it squeaked. Owen was in the living room. I quickly looked at him and he didn’t move or say a word. I still get anxious about his screams when something like a door squeaks. It’s taken us years to get through this one process for him. If he wasn’t screaming about the noise he was running all through the house asking who was here or staring out the window yelling for someone to go away. There are days I still have to say to him it’s the cabinet. Any noise is a noise to him and now that I’ve had several workers at our house for different reasons he is constantly asking about noises. He also associates certain days with different work that has been done. Now he thinks the roofers come on Thursdays. One day at a time I remind myself. He asked several times about the pool but he was truly calm about it. However, when it was time to go he put no effort forward to help me get him ready. I told him that neither one of us would be wearing blue pants to the pool. I talked to him again about kindness to others and we can’t be mad at someone for not wearing blue pants. I told him that we were not going to talk about what we were wearing to the pool except our “swimming suit”. We got going and he was doing good until he saw a bus and then he started talking about “be with mommy Monday be with mommy.” He doesn’t always understand how to process time and now that it’s August he is still not seeing his teacher yet he is seeing buses driving around. How do I even explain they are preparing for the year ahead or they are doing special activities? Once we got to the pool he was in complete focus on becoming one with Spider-Man and jumping into the pool all courtesy of a video he watches. Our friends got there a few minutes after we did and then we went to the pool. As soon as Owen saw the pool he started taking off his shoes as we were walking. I’m glad I had a grip on his arm because otherwise, he would be in that pool. The splash pad was past the pool. Trying to convince him to go there instead of jumping into the pool was almost impossible but somehow I did it. He wanted in the big pool. There was no way I was going to be able to take him in the pool by myself though. There were only ladders leading into the pool and he wanted to jump. I thought I saw a kiddie pool on the other side of the big pool so my friend went over and looked while I watched the boys. Thankfully it was and we took them to it. He did extremely well and I was only slightly frazzled. And to think we are going again soon. I will be doing more research on which pools are setup to better accommodate us. We got home and he asked about the pool several times and also told me we would be home until Thursday. I don’t think he wants any more surprise trips to North Carolina. He showed me a game he was playing and said, “blue pants” referencing what the character was wearing. I said if you want to talk about blue pants you’re going to have to talk to yourself. He took the tablet and said, “we talk about blue pants.” I can tell this is going to be a long process to figure it out. I was folding laundry on my bed again and he kept running back to my room to try to throw it on the floor. I said, “I will take care of it.” He came back into my room one more time and tried to grab the clothes. He said, “take a carrot” thinking that’s what I had said, and was able to knock some on the floor. I need a laundry room. He fell asleep quickly and I pray he sleeps through the night. Today was a good day for progress. I saw the little steps that he took and they were a big deal to my heart. Be kind to your soul and be proud of the steps that keep leading you forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Send up the flares Owen slept through the night. He woke a little before six and was very calm. He was even relatively quiet while my brain fought to catch up. He’s still planning for his week ahead and it feels good. He was ready to go to church but he was not ready to get dressed. He has started a new thing where he puts one leg in his pants but he will either walk around like this or pull them completely back off. It will take him five or six times to get to the point he keeps them on. His concern for what I was wearing and what he was wearing started about an hour before we were even getting ready. I am trying to get him to understand that we shouldn’t care about what someone is wearing but instead care about the person. I want him to think about his actions and reactions. I told him that we have to give our attention to someone’s heart, not to their clothing. I’m hoping that he will make the connection. I explained that I love him because he is amazing not because he is wearing certain clothes, trying to teach him that clothes do not make the person. I don’t have the answers but I pray that my words will at least impact him to try to refocus his blue pants energy. Before we left for church he had the rest of his juice and he dropped some on his shirt. I wiped it off with a wet rag. He was concerned that his shirt was wet. He ran to the bathroom and rubbed his towel near his shirt. He wasn’t close to the spot but it made him feel better that he was trying to dry it. I pushed forward. I told him it would dry with the air. Countless times this has kept us from leaving the house, having to change him before we could go. I told him we would be late if we didn’t go. I was trying to think of anything to get him out the door. When we got to church I showed Owen his shirt had dried. He was no longer concerned with it and didn’t even acknowledge my words or look down because he was focused on getting to his class. A calm washed over me sitting in church. I am only in control of my own actions and reactions. I have to remember this. The calm becomes chaotic as I let all the things, all the things come back into my vision but I know we can change like how his shirt dried. He has talked about going to the pool tomorrow with our friends. “I wear swimming suit,” he said. I said no one would be wearing blue pants. I went over this numerous times. As the day wore on he said multiple times he would wear his swimming suit. He wanted me to watch him play a video game so he told me “sit right here” motioning for me to sit on the chair near him. I love when he wants to do things with me. I was fixing his dinner and he said, “cut a string toenail.” This means his toenail is rough and he needs it filed or cut. I went to him and he was chewing on something. His dinner was not made yet. Let’s just say I still filed his toenail. He was watching a video and he said, “she has blue pants but we no talking bout blue pants we talking bout blue pants wear pedal pushers swimming suit” so I can tell he was thinking about it. His words and actions teach me how my words are interrupted by him. It is a learning process for me as much as it is for him. I’m thankful for everything he has taught me and what that has done for me. I am a better version of myself because of him. Embrace your own destiny and be the change you want to see in the world around you. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Trash can, blue pants, doorknob, make that doorknobs, laundry, bed, socks, spill, walk, car, pool, sad, happy, ABC, light, little red wagon, nighttime, it’s raining today, triangle, elephant, robot, tablet, help you crack an egg, and the list goes on and on and on and on. The rules run into the routine and my mind spins with all the things I have to keep track of. Owen was up by two, yelling that he was ready to go to grandma’s house. He wouldn’t get in bed with me and he wouldn’t go back to his bed. I told him he needed to go back to sleep if he wanted to go to grandma’s house in the morning. I explained to him that I needed sleep if he wanted to go. This just brought screams and him yelling for his tablet that wasn’t anywhere near me. After about an hour of him running back and forth, talking to me about his tablet I still didn’t have, and him informing me he was going to watch tv in his room, he got into bed with me. This lasted until about four but no part of it would be considered restful or sleeping, the conversation continued. It was like a waterfall that leads into a roller coaster that blasts you into the sky. I could tell there was going to be no more sleeping. The coffeepot could not make the coffee fast enough. The hours ticked away slowly until it was time to go. My heart aches for all the steps it takes for us to get out of the house and on the road. We made it out the door pretty quickly in a relative sense but then everything came to a screeching halt. There was a car parked in the wrong spot. Technically maybe two. One really wasn’t parked for long but it sat near our car. They looked like they were trying to figure out where they were going or maybe reading their phone. The other car was more of the concern though. It was near where the lady with the dog should be. I was waiting for Owen to yell about the car or the woman that hasn’t been standing there for years but he didn’t yell he just wouldn’t sit in his seat correctly so I could buckle him in. Minutes and minutes and minutes went by. If I push this he screams, if I don’t push it he remains calm but it takes forever for us to move forward. About five or more minutes went by before I could get him in his seat. This felt quick for the process. People do not understand the impact they have on my son by parking on our street, how could they, but he sure knows. I don’t know why certain cars set him off and others don’t. I’m not sure if I will ever know why the lady with the dog on the corner became so important to him over the years but I can tell you it means something to Owen and no matter what I say or do he has to process it and that’s that. Like he will yell “help me crack an egg.” He hasn’t played the game he is referring to in maybe a year and all week he has asked me to help him with this game that he isn’t even playing. Blue pants and cracked eggs are his focus now. He came running to me because one of the characters in a video did not have blue pants on. I took the tablet and tried a different approach or maybe it was the same. I told him if he didn’t want to see people in other pants then he couldn’t watch his tablet. He stopped yelling, even if it was for a second he stopped yelling about the blue pants. I breathe. I keep telling him he has a choice. He can let blue pants be his focus or he can use that energy to learn more about the languages he loves or the music he wants to play. He had a great time with his grandma and he was pretty calm on the way home except for the stoplights not being triangles and me not taking him by the windows. I however prayed for the rain to stop as a few raindrops fell on my car because all I could do was imagine if my blue pants got rained on and thankfully it stopped. The lamp on my nightstand was angled differently and the laundry was still on my bed when we came home. These were up for debate. He mentioned church tomorrow, going to the pool with our friends on Monday, elevators on Tuesday, be with mommy Wednesday, and therapy Thursday. I asked what about Friday and he screamed. One day at a time and I’m thankful for all the progress forward. The progress is in the process and for him to even be able to say all the places he wants to go this week is huge. As long as he keeps believing it is July he is doing better. He was exhausted and fell asleep quickly. I pray tonight he sleeps better. Follow your dreams forward and let go of yesteryear. Smiles to all and donut daze!
This glorious streak of sleeping is amazing. Owen slept until well after seven. He even slept through me going to the bathroom and getting coffee. He even slept through me checking on him because he slept through me going to the bathroom and getting coffee. He rarely sleeps through noise of any kind. To say he was tired last night is an understatement. I’m thankful he was able to sleep so soundly. When he woke he was still sleepy but listened to me when I said to go to the bathroom first before he sat down. He gave me a big hug and then went to the bathroom. I’m glad he was calm when he woke. He had a few things on his mind and he didn’t let me forget them all day. It was Friday and he was going to “be with mommy” and he talked about his therapist’s blue pants. He didn’t see her yesterday and she hardly wears blue pants. This might be why he wants to talk about them so much. His other two therapists wear them occasionally so maybe that’s why he doesn’t reference them. He wanted me to interact with him a lot throughout the day. He however only wanted to listen when he wanted to listen. I was in the middle of cooking our breakfast once again and he wanted me to “sit right here.” I told him that after we ate I would. He likes to have me sit while he watches videos. He finished before me because he didn’t eat the food he asked for. He was full of connections and excitement as the day went on. He was playing a game on his tablet and the character stands on a spot and like a little rocket blasted up into the sky. He said, “liftoff” after counting down to watch the little animal fly off the screen. He followed it up with “boo hoo” quoting the game because he won against the character and it was sad. He had Alexa and Siri competing to see who could translate quicker. And they both know that when he requests “buffalo in spinach” that they should say it in Spanish. He had a pretty good day but he was very adamant about staying home. I think he associates Fridays with us traveling to North Carolina. He wanted to make sure we were not going anywhere. He talked about wanting to ride the train but as soon as I said we could go he said, “no ride train today.” I told him it wouldn’t be until next week but he started screaming so I distracted him and asked him about his tablet. My expectations, the world’s expectations, and his expectations are not all the same. I try to not linger or sit in thought about my expectations of activities or things he might like to do but I continue to overthink the outcome of it all. I try not to even think about the world’s expectations, instead, I focus on making Owen happy and learning how I can make his expectations come true within the boundaries of keeping him safe, content, and growing. My emotions weigh heavy when his screams echo through our walls. Today most of his screams were happy screams except when our internet went in and out. Only a few more weeks and he will be back in school. I’m praying routine will set right back in for us and that will help him with some of the things he is struggling with. I’m thankful he is sleeping better and I pray tonight is one more night we can click off the list. It’s Friday though and he is already planning his Saturday with grandma. Be happy in your soul and know that you can make a difference in the world. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I heard Owen’s robots at about six in the morning. I thought I’ll take it, six o’clock works for me. I’m often faced with the questions of what he understands and what he doesn’t. Sometimes I think he understands the terminology but he doesn’t understand that he is supposed to respond to my questions or he doesn’t understand how to respond to my questions. I have always had two-sided conversations with him, giving him both the question and the response. I was fixing breakfast and he said, “sit right here” wanting me to watch the video he had on the tv with him. It was a cartoon alarm clock and he was talking about all the features it had and I started asking him if he knew what his eyes, ears, mouth, and nose do. I explained each to him and he said, “how do you say six o’clock in Arabic?” He then got all his robots going and asked me once again to get them in numerous languages. Any amount of clutter that isn’t in the normal clutter spot causes it to be hard on Owen yet we have clutter everywhere. Currently, there are four robots, a talking Mickey Mouse, a talking Elmo, a toy microwave, and various other such toys on our couch but as soon as I put a box on my bed it caused a huge meltdown. He was so upset, yelling, “no box today.” I moved the box to the table in my room and he was fine. He ran off to play. He is constantly running to make sure I’m doing an approved task. If it is not something he can handle he screams. Some days it’s constant, some days he doesn’t care what I’m doing because most likely I’m sitting. The emotions are jarring. This is my sweet baby O. I feel the progress and I feel the overwhelming sensation of being overwhelmed by both of us. He can’t handle too many distractions unless they are the distractions he needs. He’s not trying to necessarily control me but control what he can handle. The fine line I walk through is knowing whether I’m reading the situation right and what I push so that we both can grow and learn from it all. “Sleep tight,” he said, turning off my light in the middle of the day. The lights still continue to be a problem for him. I breathe. He had his therapy today and he seemed to be a little tired but he did fine they said. All day he brought up not wanting to go to the pool. He was the one that kept bringing it up. When we got home he said again he wasn’t going to the pool and I said he didn’t have to but I was going to see what he would say. These were the wrong words. He wanted me to sit and he sat with me. He kept repeating “Friday be with mommy.” This is where everything is hard for me to figure out. He saw the pool the other day and immediately wanted to go in it but we had an appointment. I told him we could go another day but since then he is very adamant about the fact he doesn’t want to go. I will see what happens tomorrow. One day at a time. I didn’t mention any more adventures for us and he had a great night even though he mentioned every few minutes he was not going to the pool. He listened to me when I said it was bedtime and was out within minutes. I hope that we can go to the pool tomorrow if the rain stays away and he decides he wants to go but I’m not pushing it. I overthink and still don’t have all the answers so I pray more. I’m thankful for all the words he said, the songs he sang, and the hugs he gave me. The littlest of steps can lead to the biggest of victories. Be proud of any step forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
All day I’ve tried to stay ahead of my own emotions. It’s August. My brother was born in August. And I tried not to cry as his birthday inches closer. I woke a couple of times thinking I heard Owen but the house was only making house noises. It was after six but my bladder won. I couldn’t wait any longer. I heard him go past the bathroom, past his tablet, and right to the couch. I went to him and he wanted me to cover him with the blanket and then he wanted lots of hugs. It made me smile. He felt calm after the last couple of days. He started pushing the buttons on his robots and was singing the alphabet. Then he started requesting a robot in Russian. He went on to ask for several more languages. As the morning progressed he asked me to find videos for him and was listening to them. He asked me to order several robots in all the languages and he told me to order new ones in the box. I tried to explain I can’t find all the languages. I’m working on finding other toys that speak in more languages though. It amazes me how much he comprehends in numerous languages. I asked him to say something in Japanese and he quickly said something. It sounded half made up but he laughed as soon as he said it. He either didn’t say anything and was laughing about that or that he knew I wouldn’t know. He asked about the elevators and I told him we would go but we weren’t wearing blue pants and we weren’t talking about them. I had to remind him multiple times we were going home if he didn’t stop talking about blue pants but I didn’t make him leave. I can only imagine what he goes through thinking about blue pants all the time and then trying to control his words and emotions on top of that. This has been going on for close to a year now it seems. I’m exhausted. He talks about clothing all through the day. If it’s not about blue pants it’s about what I should be wearing when we are home or what we will wear tomorrow. I pray that the specialist we see in September can shed some light on this. There are so many people helping us to figure out ways to get him past this. Add in the fact that he never forgets a thing and he’s brilliant makes it even harder to help distract him or move him forward. We had a few errands to run but they could all be done with us staying in the car. This he was happy about. I can tell he is learning that he needs to say yes and no when he means it. This is also not an easy task for him because he doesn’t always assign a value or expression to the words “yes” or “no.” It’s part of the reason it can get complicated for him to answer something for me. No means no, no means yes, yes means no, and yes means yes unless it means I don’t know. And this is for everything. When we got home for the day he was calm. He told me numerous times he was not going to the “swimming pool” and I told him we could go on Friday. He told me once again “no pool on Friday” but then I heard him looking up videos of “boy going to the pool in July.” I think he added July because he is not ready for it to be August since he isn’t seeing his teacher yet. When he got in bed I could hear in the distance a faint sound of beeping and cars honking. He squealed, “hear it” and I think if he wouldn’t have been exhausted the noise would have sent him into a meltdown. Every noise is a noise. I held him in my arms and he fell asleep. He made me smile throughout the day and his laughter was my biggest gift. I’m thankful and praying for a great day tomorrow. Yesterday is written in stone but use it as the stepping stone to your future and never let it hold you back. Smiles to all and donut daze!
The party train left the depot before two in the morning. There was no convincing Owen that he needed to go back to bed and I certainly wasn’t telling him he was going to a therapy session today because that would have made it even harder. I sent him back to his room multiple times after he wouldn’t get in bed with me but that still didn’t work so at some point I gave up and we were up for the day. The coffeepot couldn’t churn out the coffee quick enough for me. I wonder how many pots of coffee are too many pots of coffee. I suppose when you measure in pots instead of cups that might be the answer. When I told him that he was going to his therapy today he was beyond thrilled. He also wanted to go to the elevators. I told him we could go after his appointment if he didn’t mention “blue pants” to everyone he saw. I’m trying every motivation and encouragement I can think of to get him to move forward. If he didn’t yell at people and tell them they have to go home it would be a whole different story but he has to come to terms with the fact that everyone is not going to wear blue pants and sometimes it rains and those blue pants get wet. The rules are overwhelming. We left for his appointment but we got there a little early so I drove to the park that he used to love to go to. He hasn’t wanted to go anywhere lately so I thought I would see what he said. The pool is right behind the park. As soon as he saw the pool he was ready to go. He was trying to take his shoes off in the car so he could get in it. This is the first time he has ever asked about this pool as many times as we’ve been to the park and showed this much excitement. I’m going to try to take him soon but he has no fear of water so I will need to make sure I have lots of support when we go. As soon as we sat down in the waiting room he immediately told a lady “blue pants you gotta leave wear blue pants tomorrow.” I told him that he needed to say hello instead. He kept going. When she left the waiting room I told him we wouldn’t be able to go to the elevators but he said he still wanted to go. I told him if he didn’t mention them again we could. I’m trying to make him aware but I also know this is a huge struggle for him. And I don’t want to not take him places now that he wants to go places. He didn’t make it past the hallway as we were walking down to the room but he did pretty well with the therapist. Then we had to see the doctor and I told him to keep his head up because he always looks at people’s pants instead of their faces so he took his hands and put them to his head pushing it up. My words are literal directions to him. He made it past the doctor but he didn’t for the receptionist trying to pull me behind the desk so he could see what she was wearing. He knew we were going home as soon as we got to the car. I told him we could try again tomorrow, with all the emotions swirling around in my head. We walked up to our front door and he turned around on the steps, looking at me. He said, “hi hippo” saying the words he hadn’t said in quite some time but knowing these were the words I said when he was a toddler. He never forgets a thing. “You read it to me,” he said, coming to me with his tablet, reading the caption under the video he was watching. I looked at what he had said from the video caption and it was spot on. I told him he read it to me already. The best part of my day was when he was watching a video about an owl flying. I had just whispered I love you in his ear which always makes him smile and giggle. Then I stood up and made my arms like bird wings, moving them around. I made the bird noise and he laughed some more. I then had him stand up and do it with me. At first, he wanted to hold hands with me because he really doesn’t understand the action of how his arms move, often watching his hands whenever they do something. Then I said you do it and he started moving his arms and jumping up and down in a chaotic beautiful way. I made the bird noise again and he joined me. I said, “do you know your name and owl start with the same letter?” He said, “yes both with O for Owen and owl.”He said something about the elevators tomorrow and I said, “we can go but what has to happen” and he said, “no talking about the blue pants.” I am trying to stick with it about him saying blue pants but we will see. I think it is a way to at least focus him. I hope. I tell him all the time he has a choice and is so smart so he can refocus his energy on something else he just needs to breathe. I think that also makes it harder on him because he is so smart but can’t get all his words and emotions on the same page. He walked to his bed telling me to “order a robot in Russian please” and with that his day was done. Even through our struggles today I felt like he made a lot of progress. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring but hopefully more sleep and a trip to ride the elevators. The highlight of my day was dancing with him in the kitchen. There’s joy in my heart from the smile that he shared. Every moment there is a chance for change and that change might be the spark you need. Let tomorrow be open to the wonders of possibilities. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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