I should have waited to tell Owen he was going to grandma’s house today. But he kept asking all week. So I told him. The anticipation was so much. He was up around one and ready for his day. I was not. Me trying to convince him that he can stay awake if he stays in his room is like trying to convince him to stay in his room. It lasts about five minutes and then it’s like a parade and the only instruments they are using are the tubas and the entire section is wanting chocolate milk while performing. I’m exhausted. He gets so excited and rightly so I just wish it was a little more tailored to sleep first party later. We had a fun nighttime though. I kept reminding him it was nighttime and he kept telling me he was going to grandma’s house. I told him he wasn’t wrong but he was about eight hours too early for her house. I made the fake snoring sound more times than I could count. He loves it though. Between that and the roaring, we were loud. My eyes feel like heavy wallpaper waiting for the glue to keep them open but they keep rolling down to the ground with nothing to keep them up. He on the other hand was quite active all day. He had a great day with grandma. When I got there he wanted to go swing outside. He also went down the slide and said, “that was fun.” What was not fun was him stepping in the present a dog left in the yard. He had it all over his shoes which got it all over the slide which got it all over his hands and he doesn’t understand at all. He’s a sensory seeker so this was all good to him. And the more we reacted the more he wanted to go step in it again. Then he got into the large swing and didn’t want to get out. The thing was rain was coming. My blue pants could not get wet. His blue pants could not get wet. Grandma’s blue pants could not get wet. Thankfully he finally got out and we didn’t get wet. There are so many rules and wet pants are one we have got to find a way to get through. We went back inside for a little bit and he was happy. The rain was starting again when we were getting ready to leave. I kept praying it would not be bad when we got home. Before I got out of the car I told him over and over and over that it was raining and I was going to get wet. He said, “no.” I told him that we couldn’t go inside if we didn’t get out of the car. I explained that he was going to get wet too but it would be fine. How on earth did rain become our new thing? I want to cry for my baby. I want to cry for me. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t even have some of the answers sometimes. All I do is pray. We got wet. He was calmly anxious if that’s a thing. He told me when we got inside we would dry. He didn’t run to get the towel but we needed to immediately change. Thankfully his mood changed and mine did too. He was watching tv and he started squealing. He kept thinking the internet went out because of the video he was watching but the tv wasn’t going out so I knew the internet wasn’t the problem. I saw the connections running through his mind and he went into review mode. “Ask your mom or dad for help,” he said. He plays a game that has to be connected to the internet and when he is in the car his tablet won’t connect so it always says that. I was thankful that he is finding the words to express his needs. Today was a day filled with growth, encouragement, and sadness. He mentioned “uncle wichard” numerous times and my heart rejoices and cries at the same time. He was exhausted from no sleep last night so he fell asleep basically walking to his bed. He’s excited about church tomorrow and I pray for our week ahead. We learn, we love, we grow. Always remember you are not alone. Weep when you need to and then rejoice for becoming stronger every day. The tears let go of the pain. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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Owen’s starting to sleep a little better again. It was close to five when he woke this morning. I’ll take it. Routine helps. Everything weighs so heavy on my heart right now. I’m counting the days until we go to the specialist for him but it’s only the initial contact meeting so they will only be gathering the general information for him. But there’s hope. I pray and pray and pray for the hope. I’m sure he’ll do well that day, oh how I hope, but it will be the days after that cause the problems since he holds onto everything. It’s several hours to drive there and then the meeting and then the drive back. He will think that we are going on another trip every time we are in the car. I wonder if one outweighs the other. I pray they help. That’s all I can do. We walked down to the bus stop and when we got there he started putting his head back and then he rocked it forward. He then started walking like a mouse with his hands pulled to his chest. I’m not sure what this little movement is but he does it a lot. It’s like he is trying to center himself or squish his body together. When we were walking we saw a bunny rabbit. I asked him if he could jump like a rabbit and he did. I always want to shout for joy when he can do these types of tasks. He is still learning how his body works and his capabilities. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I sent Owen’s flashcards with him to school. I messaged his teacher to let her know what they were. I couldn’t wait to hear what she thought. She sent me a message that she would show the class in their morning meeting. I was excited for him to have her use them and the follow-through of having them be a part of his day. She told me that he was able to tell her what the animals were and that made me happy. When he came home I asked him about them and he smile. I am thankful he has such a caring teacher. I changed into my nightgown and he started yelling at me to put my brown dress on. I’m not quite sure when he decided I was only allowed to wear this one nightgown but I told him he was going to have to understand I’m not wearing that one every night. That did not go over well. He accidentally hit my nose really hard. He didn’t mean to but he kept pushing into my head and then hit my nose. I said, “dagnabbit” and then he started running around saying dagnabbit and laughing hysterically. The night flew by and I’m thankful that he had a great day. There were a few emotional moments but we pushed through them quickly. I’m thankful for his little bunny hop and his big smile. Today is the first day of the rest of your life so make it grand. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Sleeping until almost five is something I will take. Owen came to my room, and got into bed with me but quickly realized his tablet meant more to him so off he ran. The really cool thing was he went to the potty before he got his tablet. I then heard him come out of the bathroom and then he went back in to wash his hands. Victory, I thought. Potty training is not easy. Technically he’s potty trained but it is a constant uphill, downhill, middle hill, and over the hill slide back down. Some days he gets it right, other days I want to cry and put myself in a ball, rolling on the floor. He understands the concept but it’s not always easy for all of the steps required. I showed him a picture of us at the fire station. I asked him who it was as a smile washed across his face and he said, “that’s baby Owen at fire station.” I said, who are you standing next to? He said, “wanna take a picture with the man.” He didn’t go on and he went to the other room. The firefighter took the picture of us so I’m thinking he wants to have his picture taken with him. He isn’t a huge fan of having his picture taken but this felt like progress. One drop of water on my pants in the bathroom almost caused a meltdown before I could get him to the bus stop this morning. He grabbed his towel and said, “it’s wet dry gotta dry” and tried to rub my jeans. I told him it would be fine, trying once again to explain it would dry on its own. He wasn’t convinced but thankfully I distracted him. Depending on the jeans I wear he will tug on my pants to make them longer or step on my feet when I’m walking so I jerk my foot back and it moves my pants. This is such a struggle because I try to explain to him that he cannot step on my feet or bend down in front of me, especially when I’m walking but he still does it and it’s starting to cause meltdowns. His therapy was canceled so we went to the park with his friend. I wanted him to understand that we could still do other things even though it was canceled. He had a great time at the park but had a huge meltdown on the way home. The stoplight that used to cause him to have a meltdown every time we went through it now is down to one lane due to construction. The traffic was backed up and Owen instantly started screaming. He then was yelling all types of directions on how to get us out of there. He yelled about the light and stopping. I was thankful that once we got past the light he calmed but I didn’t. My nerves were shaken because it had been quite some time since this light had caused such a reaction and I want to cry. It shouldn’t be this hard for my baby and I don’t want the meltdowns to start again at stoplights. The next meltdown came because I didn’t get enough chicken nuggets. I thought because it was his snack and not dinner he would be fine. He was not. I told him I would fix him more and thankfully we moved forward. I took some of his clothes that had missed his hamper and I put them inside. This was enough to cause Owen to have another meltdown and wanted to throw all the clothes in the trash. I told him that if he threw the clothes in the trash he wouldn’t be able to go to school. He screamed, “school school” and let me finish putting his clothes in the hamper. The night ended with him wanting to make his animal flip cards that he starts a couple of months ago. He made sixteen of them and one was his robot otherwise the rest were animals. I loved the interactions and that he wanted to do it. Once he got past his meltdowns he did really well the rest of the night but he wanted me to “sit right here.” And that was exactly where I was supposed to be. I’m thankful for so many great strides. I’m praying the meltdowns ease again tomorrow but it’s a brand new day. I’m thankful for everything he is learning and wanting to do. These are the victory days. Keep believing in tomorrow. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen came to my bed around four again. Or maybe it was two. All the hours seem to be the same. Thankfully we both fell back asleep but then one of us slept in one direction in the bed and the other slept across the bed with his foot in my back. I gave up trying to move him or sleep because he kept going right back to the same spot. He was ready to go to school and I didn’t even attempt to wear anything different than the required blue pants. He was also very happy with my pink and white striped shirt choice and he let me know it. He kept talking about how my shirt was pink and “kinda a white kinda a grey stripe.” He probably could tell me what I was wearing every day the last year. He doesn’t forget a thing. As we were heading to the bus stop he talked about wanting to go for a “walk in the little red wagon see a firefighter.” “When you get home we can go for a walk,” he went on. He goes back and forth on how he references himself. He will say, “hi Owen you can say hi Owen.” He wants people to talk to him but he isn’t sure what to say to them. As soon as he came home after school and got off the bus he said, “let’s go for a walk let’s go for a walk in the little red wagon wanna see a firefighter.” I told him we would go inside first so he could have a snack and then we would go for our walk. I want Owen to be able to know he can go to the fire station any time he wants or needs them but I also don’t want him to think every time we go for a walk we will go to the fire station. Plus, I don’t want him to think that every time we go he gets to sit in the fire truck. I need him to understand we can’t always do exactly the same thing even if we want to. We got to the station and the same firefighter was there that we talked to last time and we also saw a few others. I told him Owen really wanted to come back and see him and had talked about him every day since we saw him last. I explained to him that we came for a quick visit and he wasn’t going to get in the truck this time because then it would set in the routine and they would have a full-time assistant since he would want to be there every day. They all totally understood. This time Owen got to see the lights. He said, “man put the seatbelt on me room up.” He wanted to get in the truck. I’m not sure why he started saying “room up” when he means getting into a vehicle or going upwards but that’s what he says. This time he got a yellow hat. I once again was so thankful for how patient and kind he was with Owen and he made sure we went by the doorbell again. When we left we walked by the windows and the eagle wall. He was very talkative and observant. Makes me so happy to hear his words. He told me all about the weather and that “it’s September seven two thousand and twenty-two not three.” He went on, “it’s almost fall and partly cloudy.” We kept walking by people and he would say, “hi Owen you can say hi Owen.” He wants them to say hi and he wants to say hi to them. When we came around the corner the wind picked up and he started talking about the weather again. “It’s windy” and then he put his hand on his new fireman hat and told me he didn’t want it to blow away. We got home and I once again was thankful for the kindness of others. We saw a man that Owen wanted to talk to but he was on his phone. He hung up and started talking to him. He realized Owen didn’t know exactly how to answer him so he kept going with both sides of the conversation. I was thankful for these moments and I’m thankful for the day. The night flew by with pizza for dinner, many talks about our walk, and about school and therapy tomorrow. My days are filled with a rollercoaster ride of emotions but it is days like this that keep me moving forward. Never give up on the hope for tomorrow. Miracles happen all around us. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Owen came to my bed around four. I think it was the first night I had slept more than an hour at a time in more days than I could count. He got into bed with me and we slept again. Before I fell back asleep I listened to hear if he still sounded like he was as stuffy and thankfully I thought he sounded better. We were both slow to want to get up but I said the magic words of his teacher’s name and he was up and on his way to the bathroom quickly. Surprisingly as we were getting ready he wasn’t watching me like a hawk to make sure I put blue jeans on. I walked out of my room and instant tears came from Owen. “Blue pants tomorrow,” he said. I had black jeans and a white shirt on. And his eyes filled with all the emotions he could process in ten seconds and then the tears fell over his eyelids like a raging waterfall. My emotions ran the gamut as I stood there watching him turn from happy to sad all because of the color of my pants. My feelings were strapped in that rollercoaster next to him but all I could think about is the tears in his eyes because of my wearing black jeans. Why is it so hard, what makes this a difficult thing for him, and where do we go from here? I didn’t have blue pants clean that were quick to get since they were in the basement so I put my black jeans on. He started repeating my wardrobes that he likes. “Blue pants pink polka dot pink shoes blue pants pink bunny pink shoes blue pants pink shirt pink shoes blue pants pink stripe pink shoes” and he would have kept going if I didn’t say to him would you rather I wear my camo pants? I wanted to stop his tears, I wanted to do anything to stop his tears. We didn’t have much time but I said I would put on my camo pants if that would make him happier but he still stood there crying. I went to the laundry hamper and I got a pair of blue jeans and I put them on. I don’t know what the answer is anymore. He’s been doing better about it in my mind but clearly, he’s still so emotional and fixated on this. He hadn’t moved from when I went to change. When I came out in my blue pants he came to me and his tears stopped. “Blue pants white shirt pink shoes,” he said. He talked to me about when I got him from the bus after school what he wanted me to wear but I told him I would be wearing the same thing. I do not want him to dictate everything I wear but I also want to walk out our door. There’s an answer to this somewhere and I will find it. I have been researching how the brain processes hearing and sight and I believe there are connections to how this all works together. Once we walked out of our door to get to the bus stop he was very happy. He wanted to translate different phrases again and asked for Santa the pirate to bring him an octopus hat. I love that he is requesting a “present it’s a gift” from Santa the pirate. He also told me he wanted a black hat. I always like to make sure that’s what he wants because I know that he has very specific items he wants but does not necessarily know how to express it so we are learning together and I show him the items online before I order them. When he came home from school I was wearing the correct clothes and he was pleased. I loved how many words he expressed and conversations we had. Plus, he ignored me but I try not to think about those moments. Kid stuff, I remind myself. He wanted to take an “extra long bath” before bed and I said he could. What he really wanted was for me to show him a Mickey Mouse game the entire time he was in the bath. I gladly did because it was more interactions with me. He fell asleep almost instantly when he got in bed but he told me “bed pull momma hair.” For some reason that is his new old thing. He used to always pull my hair and now if I lay next to him in his bed he will pull my hair and yell at me “we don’t pull hair.” I told him I wouldn’t get in bed with him anymore I would stand beside his bed. He tends to fall asleep quicker as well. We learn, we love, we grow. Owen has taught me so much about life and I’m thankful for every single lesson. Follow your heart, share your dreams, and inspire the world with your heart song. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Once upon a time, I liked my house. Now every single thing feels hard. I think about people that live in apartments and have a child with autism. I wonder if it is hard for them. Some may love it. My house is very much in the heart of the city. The hustle and bustle used to be cool. Now every noise has me on high alert waiting to see how Owen handles it. People don’t know that parking in front of my house causes him to have stress, sometimes, other times he wants to talk to them. The vacuum that they use at the carwash down the street from us is always up for debate. And yesterday a restaurant had bands performing all day long until ten o’clock last night. It shook my house. Owen handled it pretty well but it made him look for the noises all day long. I wasn’t mad at the restaurant, I actually think it is pretty cool, but all day long hearing an extra noise in your house is not much fun and especially when he was already in sensory overload. He sounded a little snotty yesterday and today his allergies were really bothering him. I’m hoping and praying for a good night of sleep and that he will feel better tomorrow. I don’t think it is an ear infection because it would have been quick since his ears looked great at his wellness checkup on Friday. That’s where my mind always wanders. In general, he hasn’t gotten many but when he is sick that is where it usually starts. He was still very playful and interactive today. He wanted to go to the park with his friend but it rained off and on all day. He ate a lot, requesting all his food throughout the day. I’m thankful he eats a wide variety and is truly starting to know what he likes. He asked to go see the firefighters today but I told him we couldn’t because it was raining. I don’t like to use that excuse because I don’t want him to think we can’t do anything in the rain but it is still hard since our pants generally get wet and this upsets him. He is starting to get the concept of drying objects off with a towel when they are wet but that doesn’t stop his emotions. He gets very concerned that something looks different. I know he is putting it all together though and soon he will have it. The day went quickly even though we really didn’t go anywhere. I pray he sleeps well and his allergies don’t bother him tomorrow. Thankful for a good day. Each step forward is a step. Keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Happy dance started at six in the morning because our day started at six in the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom but thankfully Owen did not wake up. One of us was in a better mood than the other when we woke for the day. Everything seems to be hard for him lately yet it really seems like he is bebopping along at the same time. I love when he is interactive with me. He wanted me to play his firefighter game with him on his tablet. There are different animals in the game and he started telling me about them. His favorite part is at the end when they get to kiss the hero and he says muah. I said can I give you a kiss and he leaned his forehead towards me and said, “muah kiss.” He was ready for church. So was I. Driving to church today I begged God for calm. I said please give me the message of hope I need to hear today. I took Owen to his classroom and I went to sit in the sanctuary. I always sit in the back. I sat for a moment and a lady asked me if I would like to sit with her. I had been crying but I don’t think she saw me at first. The last few weeks have been hard. I’m so tired of trying to figure out how to deal with all the broken things. It’s a never-ending list. Some bother Owen, some bother me because they bother Owen, and some just need to be fixed. And then add in everything else, plus I miss my brother so I pray. The lady was beyond kind. We had a few minutes to talk before the service and then when the message started I knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. When we left church Owen wanted chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger. As soon as we got home he wanted to go for a walk in the “little red wagon.” It was raining but I told him when it stopped we would go. I always walk him by the police and fire stations because I want him to know that if he ever needs help these are places he can go. Today we happened to walk by at the right time. They were pulling back into the station when we walked by. We watched them back up and then one of the firefighters came to talk to us. He then let Owen get into the truck and showed him all of the hoses and accessories. The fireman was very kind and followed every single bouncing ball he threw at him. Owen said the truck looked like a robot and the fireman went with it. He wanted to be buckled in and said, “seatbelt gotta put your seatbelt on” and he helped him put the seatbelt on. I could not have asked for a better person to show us around. It truly was a blessing. I always tell him that if he ever needs help to go to either place so the fireman showed him how to get in and where the doorbell was in case the doors were closed. It made me happy to know he meet one of them so they would know him. The fireman brought him two colored hats to choose from and he picked “orange.” I wish he had wore his orange glasses. We finished our walk and he still wore his hat. When we came home he ran to look at himself in the refrigerator. He likes to see his reflection in it. The rest of the night was mixed with numerous emotions but thankfully no meltdowns even though he wasn’t taking no for an answer even when there could be no other answer. He doesn’t always understand even if he wants something it doesn’t make it happen. And he can’t have everything he wants. Like an app, he already has and wants it again. But we made it through the rest of the night with more laughs than screams, except the fake ones he now has perfected that are from a video he watches. I’m thankful for an incredible day. I’m thankful for our blessings. As they say, I’m stressed but I’m blessed. Find your strength and keep pushing forward. Tomorrow even in the rain the sun will still shine. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Four o’clock and that was done. Owen came to me a few minutes after four in the morning. I thought at least it is after four. “Tablet,” he said. I was kind of surprised he came to me seeking it. He has been going straight to it unless he gets in bed with me. I pushed the coffeemaker button and off I went to the bathroom. I was cranky and Owen was giddy. Popcorn and waffles were the requested foods for breakfast and he ate them all. Today gave me a huge eye-opener on how I need to change the way I prioritize things. I see so much growth in Owen but there are skills I need to work on with him. I’ve been so focused on the things in our lives instead of the time in our lives. Many of his behaviors are repetitive but if I can work with him as they are happening they aren’t as bad. Like he is back to pulling my hair again. He will walk up to me and pull it without even thinking about it. It’s an attention-getter partly and also he knows that it is something I don’t like. I need to help him understand boundaries and emotions when he is dealing with other people. I’m also so tired of not being able to put something where I want it to be and instead it’s in the trash or on the floor. My mind spins with all of the ways to help him with this and stay ahead of everything he is doing. He runs to the bathroom, makes a mess in there, and then by the time I get that cleaned up he has run off to the next room. My room has now become where he wants to be and he doesn’t want me in it unless he wants me in it. This circles round and round. And I want my own room back. He ate his lunch which was a full plate of shrimp. I went to take his plate and asked him to wash his hands. Before I could go in one direction he ran off to my room and got in my bed. It’s partly because I get emotional about it and partly because he wants to get his tablet and hide under the covers but I tell him he has a bed. I sat with him, playing his game and he was laughing hysterically at an elephant and its eyebrows. He thought it was funny that the elephant didn’t have eyebrows. He was playing a firefighter game and he kept telling me that “fire is hot do not touch the fire with your hands.” I try to remind him to not touch anything hot like the microwave or stove. When he won the game he made the muah sound and he said, “pig gives him a kiss muah.” And then a heart floated across the screen. He must have played the game ten times telling me the same thing each time. The rest of the night was filled with him throwing my stuff away, hiding more of my stuff, and him putting other things on the ground. My goal is to declutter everything. It makes me cry thinking about how hard this is on him. I have to figure out a way to simplify all of the clutter and help him understand that not everything has to be in a specific place, especially when it is someone else’s. I breathe. I’m focusing on the good parts of the day. He told me he loved me and that means more than anything in the world. Find your strength and keep moving forward. Smiles to all and donut daze!
I heard Owen crying out to me around three in the morning. Usually, he comes to me. I got up as quick as I could and went to him. Something woke him and he didn’t want to go back to sleep at first but I got in his bed and he thankfully fell back asleep in my arms. I pretty much fell asleep when the alarm went off telling me I couldn’t fall back asleep. We got up, he listened to me, and we got in my bed until we had to get ready for school. I was thankful my coffeemaker had the coffee brewing by the time I got to it and I could sit drinking it while we played games together. He was in a great mood and once I drank a pot of coffee I was at least awake. We got ready to go to the bus stop and he was very calm, once again taking directions well. When we got there I showed him how we could make one of his app games come to life. The sidewalk has big squares and I had him say a number one through six like his game and then we moved forward on the squares. He didn’t quite see the connection but I talked to him about the characters and how they roll the dice. I think the more we try to play the game he will see how we can become the moving pieces like the game. I love spending these moments with him playing games and talking to him about things he likes. We got several phrases in that he wanted to translate before the bus arrived and then off he went to school. I told him I would pick him up so we could go to his wellness checkup. He loves going to see his doctor so I was glad it was something we were going to do today. It always makes him happy. Owen wears a seatbelt on the school bus and they have asked me if I think he still needs it because he sits so calmly now. I’m torn but I think he does. He still has huge meltdowns occasionally in the car about traffic, stoplights, or the direction we are going so I’m afraid this will happen on the bus at some point. With him being strapped in at least he can’t get up if he does get upset. It’s such an emotional journey for me. In my car I haven’t taught him how to push the button to unbuckle himself because I do not want him to be able to take it off randomly but this again is so hard. I need him safe so I try not to overthink any of it and remind myself that I can only do my best and the timing will come when he is ready to move on to different options. I picked him up from school and his teacher said he had a great day. I am so thankful he loves school and that he has an outstanding teacher. I love the connection they have and know that he has made so many strides because of her. We came home to get a snack and then off to the doctor we went. I always tell him that appointments like this are necessary and that the doctors and staff are always there to help us. I want him to feel good about going and not dread these appointments. I thought it was great they put us in a room decorated with pirates. Although he wasn’t impressed because it wasn’t what he had in mind for his treasure hunt. He had a great checkup and he has grown since the last time we were there. He has always been small for his age but is now catching up. He was still concerned about the doctor wearing blue pants but she is amazing and remembered that she was going to see him today and had promised him she would wear blue pants for him. When the appointment was over he did great in the car. He asked me for nuggets but then changed his mind and wanted to go home and have a “cheese sandwich.” The night felt calm compared to last night. There were a couple of moments but he mostly let everything go as soon as anything started happening. He knows that tomorrow he will “be with mommy” but after he said it a few times he was calm. I told him we could go do something but he said, “no” numerous times. We will see is what I replied and he just looked at me. He has Monday off from school. I’m not going to think too hard on that though. I’m thankful for his growth in so many ways. His is truly growing in mind, body, and soul. I'm trying to remember to focus on the little things that matter and hearing Owen laugh with his whole body shaking is joy to my heart. If my sweet baby O is happy I’m happy. Always remember the little things lead to the biggest of victories. Make today matter. Smiles to all and donut daze!
Thankfully Owen has been sleeping a little better through the night. He didn’t wake up until five, got into bed with me, and promptly fell back asleep for a little while. I think our walk wore him out yesterday. I know it did me. When he woke again he felt a little cranky but he laughed with me when I was tickling him and telling him it was time to get ready for school. He’ll sit with me sometimes in the mornings showing me his tablet but rarely does he just sit with me talking and laughing before he gets it. I think and rethink how I can or should change his tablet rules but that’s an emotional rollercoaster for both of us as well and he has learned so much because of his tablet that he has taught himself. So for today, I move forward. I picked him up from school and he had an amazing time at therapy. When we came home I could tell he was on sensory overload. Everything was something. The noises were too noisy, the lights were too bright, the doors were not open or closed enough, the drawers were all too much for him, and the laundry was the top of the cake. So I sat. He had a huge meltdown because I had clothes in my hands. Laundry is awful for him. I have to go to the basement to get it and I dread it every time. I need to not do it when he is here or awake but it doesn’t always happen that way. He was so afraid I was going to put it on my bed. He started screaming instantly about it. I put it on the chair instead. How can laundry cause him to have such a huge meltdown? Why does he scream about it? My heart just aches. It shouldn’t be this hard for him. Every door and drawer in this house was up for inspection tonight. I opened my nightstand table drawer. He was in the kitchen but heard me open it. I left it open for just a second because I was drinking the last of my coffee. He came into my room and closed the drawer. I wasn’t done doing what I needed to do but it needed to be closed. Then he runs to the living room. My closet door in there has a pull handle but it’s kind of spring-loaded. It doesn’t always stay shut depending on the weather. I have his trampoline in front of it because of this and knowing how much it bothers him but now he has figured out he can move the trampoline and will open and close the door because it won’t stay closed the way he needs it to. I heard a noise and I turn around to see him bringing me his CD player with the cord dragging behind it. He wanted it gone instantly. He told me to put it in a box. I knew where this was going. If I didn’t put it away the meltdown would start. For some reason when he makes up his mind like this if he continues to see the item it will be a huge problem. I don’t know how he decides or why something he loved before causes meltdowns for him but he knows what bothers him and he wants it gone. I convinced him after five minutes to walk out of the room so I could get rid of it. I hid it under a blanket and I quickly moved away from it. I knew he would be right back. He looked all around for it and then ran out of the room. One thing after another tumbled our night into these moments. He kept looking out the window for the man outside that he told me was outside when we came home. There was nobody there but he kept asking for him. Thursdays are the day he always thinks the roof guys will be here so maybe that’s who he was asking for. I got him to bed and he kept telling me that I needed to go to bed. I don’t think it will be long before I’m asleep I told my sweet baby O. And as soon as I got to my room, trying to be quiet a noise from outside had him screaming again. The earth shakes and the roar of the ant stirs him. Sensory days are the hardest. I pray for his comfort. I pray for calm. I never understood how emotional the floor creaking under my foot could be until it meant no sleep for hours to come. I breathe. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful for Owen’s progress and I’m thankful for the journey that I’m on with my sweet baby O. Bring joy to your life by watching the sun rise and letting the rays comfort your soul. Smiles to all and donut daze!
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AuthorI'm Lynn Browder. Owen's Mommy. The best moments in time are when I get to see the smile on his face and that giggle come from his heart. Archives
May 2024
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